Wednesday, April 24, 2019
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Stuttering Hafiz Still Leading Taraweeh: Congregation continues on through morning of Eid-ul-Fitr

The Northside Houston congregation is running behind in its Taraweeh schedule because of the stuttering Imam.

Houston, TX – A Northside mosque prayer hall turned into somewhat of a forced slumber party as Imam Hafiz Dawoood Thalath Mahmoood still led the Taraweeh congregation at Masjid Bilal well into the morning of Eid-ul-Fitr, the day after the end of Ramadan.

Mahmoood, who suffers from a lifelong and untreated speech impediment, is sluggishly reciting his way through the evening prayers. The speed of the Imam has become somewhat of a challenge for the 38 worshippers of the congregation.

As the Imam slurred and stuttered on every other arabic word, worshippers could be seen swaying from side to side, running in place, and doing push-ups during sajdah, desperately trying to prevent atrophy from setting in. Those standing at the end of the prayer rows could be seen leaning on walls. Some managed to fall asleep standing up with their heads tilted back, drooling and snoring.

Community members stumbled upon the dilemma when many came to the mosque to participate in the Eid prayers. Many were shocked to find that the congregation from the previous two evenings still had not disbanded.

“When I walked into the prayer hall, I saw the congregation had started, but turns out it was last night’s Taraweeh!” said a shocked Mohsin Malik as a button popped out of his tight sherwani (an Indian variant of a Tuxedo).

“We’re supposed to be finished with Surah Nas. We’re only on Surah Furqan! Send help!” said a worshipper who asked to remain anonymous. “I haven’t been home in two days. I’m pretty sure my Wudu broke a few times.”

As more and more families arrive to participate in the Eid prayers, community members are concerned about the resulting back log of traffic, and are trying to avert a potential disaster.

Imams and Hafizes from nearby mosques have been called in and are expected to be deployed later this evening.

Last Minute of Fast Extends Into Third Hour: Final minute "taking forever"

Seven-year-old Musa Khan's last minute of fasting is taking "foreeeeever."

Seattle, WA – In what seems to be a lifetime, the last 60 seconds of fasting is “taking forever” for young Georgetown resident, Musa Khan. The ambitious seven-year-old committed himself to fast for the very first time despite discouragement from his parents who say he’s “too young.” He is determined to prove them wrong.

Ever since the last minute of his fast started, Khan has looked at the clock 27 times, waiting for the moment he can eat again. Per the second grader, that was “three hours ago.”

“All day he’s been staring at the chocolate cake I bought for him. It’s his reward,” says Musa’s mother, Huma Khan. “I honestly don’t think he’ll make it.”

Khan began drooling, babbling, and sucking on his t-shirt’s ringer.

At the time of this article, there were 25 seconds left in Khan’s fast — that’s 2 hours in “Musa time.”

Rami The Ramadan Ram Ignites Controversy: Many Accuse IslamiCorp of Profiteering from Holy Day

While cute to some, many were concerned about Rami the Ramadan Ram's perceived "demonic eyes."

CHICAGO, IL – Backlash continues after last weeks unveiling of “Rami the Ramadan Ram,” IslamiCorp’s new Eid mascot. While the majority aren’t criticizing the undeniable cuteness of the furry animal, many are critical of what they perceive as a “PR stunt” by the company as an effort to commercialize the popular Muslim holiday. Criticisms snowballed to yesterday, when crowds rallied on Devon avenue to protest the mascot.

“We don’t need no Santa Christ for Eid,” stated one angry protestor. “IslamiCorp always pulls this crap and I’m sick to my stomach, but that may just be because of the awful smell of Devon.”

The odorous rally had it’s fair share of casualties with paramedics responding to six fainting incidents, two cases of explosive diarrhea and countless cases of heat exhaustion.

In a statement released to the press, IslamiCorp stated, “We apologize for any perceived offense by unveiling our cute, adorable mascot. Plush dolls are available for sale at your local halal butcher for $10. In light of this backlash, we are re-examining our plan to slaughter Rami, along with his pal ‘Gamal the Geriatric Goat,’ this coming Eid al-Adha.”

SNAP Gets Ready For ‘Night of Power’: Back-to-Back Shows "Gettin Kinda Hectic"

90's group SNAP gets ready to hit the North American Mosque circuit during the last 10 days of Ramadan

Eurodance group SNAP has their hands full as the holy month of Ramadan enters its last 10 days. The 90’s chart-topping, German team has booked non-stop shows at mosques spanning across nine states and 12 cities.

The 27th night of Ramadan, known as the “Night of Power,” is better than 1,000 nights of worship. North American Muslim communities have booked the artists as a way to attract the 30- and 40-something demographic back to their congregations.

Each evening around 10pm, Front Man Turbo B and American Singer Penny Ford start at their first gig of the night by performing in either a mosque prayer hall or a Muslim Community Center. They perform only one song: their 90’s hit “The Power,” to the backdrop of dancers with 6-inch block-afros, wearing MC Hammer pants – and then it’s off to the next mosque.

Turbo B admits the engagements can get exhausting, as they have to do so many shows within the 10 days.

According to Turbo, this is the only time of the year they can find work, and he feels it is his obligation to the community.

“I’m the lyrical Jesse James,” the 48-year-old says with an assertive, wide-eyed expression as if he were staring into a camera lens. At the time, no cameras were present.

Worshippers at a Sacramento area mosque say they were caught off-guard as the musicians stormed the prayer hall and started performing.

Rashad Taleeb recollects how he was stunned for the first few minutes.

“I’m in the middle my Sunnah prayer, and all of a sudden I hear this weird sound like someone was being electrocuted, but that was just the first eight seconds of their song,” says Taleeb, who has been coming to the California mosque for 20 years.

“They just started shouting ‘I GOT THE POWER’ every five seconds of the song. I tried explaining the girl, ‘Sister, only Allah has the power,’ but I don’t think they heard me over all the commotions… then my hips started involuntarily moving.”

Some in the congregation were too young to recognize the band. For others, SNAP’s performance triggered a moment of nostalgia and excitement.

A disappointed Fatima Khan was looking forward to another song, as she pleaded with the group to stay.

“What?!? No, ‘Rhythm is a Dancer’?'” said the 39-year-old mother of three.

SNAP has another 20 shows through the end of Ramadan. The group says they’ll be back next year.

Scarlett Johansson, Sodastream Cause Another Uproar: Controversial New Flavors Include Gaza Grape, Palestinian Blood

Ads depict Johansson happily drinking the new Palestinian Blood soda.

AIRPORT CITY, ISRAEL – Sodastream is once again in hot, fizzy water over their latest ad campaign featuring celebrity spokesperson Scarlett Johansson. In the ads, Johansson touts new flavors in various Gaza war zones including a bombed hospital, child beach massacre, and an IDF beating of women and children.

“We really wanted to connect with timely, current events and this is the perfect way to do that,” the company stated in a press release last week.

Johansson is no stranger to controversy, having been criticized earlier this year for lending endorsement to a company that operates in illegally seized territories in the West Bank. The macabre images within the ads aren’t the only thing evoking complaints, however, as Sodastream announced several new flavors including Zionist Raspberry, Gaza Grape, and Palestinian Blood.

“When she signed on with Sodastream, it was evident [Johansson] didn’t give a damn about humanitarian causes,” stated one upset consumer. “But these new ads are an all-time low. Drinking blood out of transfusion bag in a crowded hospital? Really?”

Despite objections, the Palestinian Blood flavor is already a hit with the “Sderot cinema,” a group of beach-going Israeli jackasses who watch the Gaza massacre as if it’s a sports event.

“The Palestinian Blood flavor has a bit of an iron taste,” stated one Sderot cinema miscreant. “But we’ve already dehumanized them to the point where drinking their blood is strangely alluring.”

In a press release, Johansson’s publicist stated, “We’re sorry the ads and flavors can potentially be interpreted as offensive to a small number of people, mostly Islamics and terrorists. We stand by our decision to take large sums of money in exchange for endorsing a corporation built on the flesh and blood of the Palestinian people. Israel has a right to defend the Palestinians into oblivion.”

Earlier this week, Sodastream was forced to discontinue sales of a fourth flavor, White Phosphorus Peach, after numerous consumers complained of stomach cramps, ulcers, esophageal tears, melting body parts and, ultimately, death.

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