Baton Rouge, LA – Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal introduced a new line of facial and bath soap on Monday at a press conference near his residence in Baton Rouge. The 55th governor unveiled a mix of bar soaps called ‘White Club’ which, according to a spokesperson, leaves a person feeling clean with a “whiter and brighter future.”
The first rule of White Club: You do not talk with an Indian accent.
Jindal claims that the patented formula in ‘White Club’ soap is the solution America needs to preserve its Judeo-Christian values.
At the product launch party, members of the press were seen wearing sunglasses to protect themselves from Jindal’s “brown-bright” complexion.
“I’ve been using White Club for several years now, and I can’t tell you what a difference it’s made on my complexion, accent, and esteem,” said the 44-year-old Jindal, whose birth name is Piyush.
“Growing up I used to scrub myself with regular soap for hours a day, and then run to the mirror only to discover the same old skinny brown boy looking back. But after using the formula in ‘White Club’ I not only look brighter, but now I can fully embrace anti-immigration reform!”
The soap has proven its results in many lab tests and has drawn fervent testimonials from its users:
Juan Garcia: “I first used ‘White Club’ soap while I was crossing the Rio Grande into the states. After successfully making it into America, I arrested myself and immediately deported my ass back to Mexico. Thanks ‘White Club!’”
Ismail Patel: “White power! Go back to my country! And other things I have no idea why I’m saying”
The label on the package warns of some potential side effects, including self-loathing, exaggerated southern accents, and creepy grins.
For now, the product is available in two variants: ‘Affluent Ivory’ and ‘Coconut Spirit.’