Atlanta, GA – As a result of continuous interactive map coverage, full of John King’s finger swipes and toggles, CNN’s infamous touch-screen monitor became spattered with what appears to be food smears and fecal matter.
“We’ve been trying to project a winner for Colorado, but we can’t tell if the state is red, blue, or -eww brown,” said CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer.
During commercial breaks, CNN’s election coverage team said they’ve witnessed King pick his nose, sneeze violently into his hands, and eat melting Hershey’s Kisses. One cameraman noted King failed to wash his hands after running out of the bathroom stall.
“I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE MAP!” yelled King, as he flailed his dirty fingers down the hallway.
“He’s got a monopoly on that screen, because no one else wants to touch it,” said Blitzer.
Blitzer passed out after he observed King’s fingers continuously trailing along the map, in between plucking wax out from his ears.