WASHINGTON, DC – According to a recent Pew Research Center study, a growing number of terrorists are choosing to work remotely. Over the past five years, the number of jihadists choosing to “terorrize from home” rose nearly 200%.
“The commute is long and chaotic,” cited one respondent. “Our terror office location is ever-shifting since we’re constantly targeted by drones. I never know if camels will be blocking the commute or even if a road exists.”
Many teleterrorists felt working from home gave them a better “terror/life” balance, granting them extra time to spend with their radicalized friends and family.
“We can easily Skype or do a Google Hangout demonstrating how to wire an ignition system,” stated another respondent. “It’s a lot safer to collaborate and experiment building IEDs remotely, that’s for sure.”
Many respondents noted the absence of camaraderie from an office environment but several were much happier not being in close proximity with suicide bombers.
“They’re a depressing bunch,” stated one man. “Not to mention some have very short fuses.”
ISIS recruiters have had great success using LinkedIn and the recent launch of terror portal “Death to America Online” makes it even easier to coordinate their evil affairs.
Despite this, several noted terrorizing from home has drawbacks.
“The bombers have it easy when it comes to their cell phone detonators, but we can’t exactly hijack a plane via Facetime,” noted one hijacker. “We tried that. It doesn’t work.”
Remote jihadists also noted an average 10% weight gain and many stated household distractions are a barrier to their incendiary efforts.
“It’s a balancing act. My wife and kids often forget daddy’s working and they can’t play on my laptop,” stated a car bomber. “My three-year-old accidentally detonated an explosive while the car was being driven to its target. That little runt’s gotten me fired from my last five gigs.”