PENSACOLA, FL – In a bid to enjoy the last few moments of their sinful ways, alcohol-drinking local Muslims raised their glasses to toast their final drinks for the next 70 days or so.
Gathering at a bar off the interstate, a crowd of 15-20 attended their annual “Ramadrink” festival. The event has sparked outrage from the local Muslim community, many of whom waited in the parking lot to beat friends and/or relatives who may be in attendance.
“It’s an annual, global celebration, really,” stated longtime drinker Sameeul Adham. “We bid the sauce a tearful goodbye and in a month or two, who knows? Just kidding. We all know.”
Adham noted that he plans to purify his body by abstaining from eating pork, drinking alcohol or smoking “excessively” during the month. He also noted he plans to attempt fasting at least “once or twice” if he’s “feeling it.”
“Ramadan was started like 100 years ago. It’s a long tradition of not doing bad things and drinking and smoking. The devil is away or in a box or something right? Where is he? I don’t [expletive] know. Alls I’m saying is the Quran or hadith or Google tells you not to drink for 40 days or you go to hell or something,” he rambled between sobs, belches and flatulation.
Adham, a longtime marijuana smoker, intends to stop getting stoned for the same time period of time “just to be safe” despite being unsure as to why he arbitrarily abstains from any of these substances in this specific manner.
At press time Adham enjoyed a “TAK Beer,” seemingly unaware his mother and older brother are in the parking lot prepared to beat the living crap out of him.
