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Netanyahu Flees Police In Boxers After ICC Issues Arrest Warrant

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Netanyahu Flees Police In Boxers After ICC Issues Arrest Warrant

On Monday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu darted down the street in what appeared to be polka-dot boxers, as he attempted to flee police during an intense pursuit. This, after the International Criminal Court issued a warrant for his arrest.

“The ICC is Hamas! You’re all Hamas!” shouted a barefoot Netanyahu as he desperately stumbled down fire escapes and maneuvered through back alleys.

“You can’t arrest me, there’s too many babies still left to kill!”

Police caught Netanyahu when he failed to jump over a dividing wall that separated Israel from Gaza.

Follow @islamicanews because it’s whatcha you gotta do when they come for you!

Israeli Settler Arrives At College Gaza Protest Encampment, Steals Tent, Moves In

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Israeli Settler Arrives At College Gaza Protest Encampment, Steals Tent, Moves In

New York, NY – An Israeli settler who traveled all they way to a Gaza protest encampment near the Columbia University campus, evicted a protester from his tent and claimed it as his own.

“If I don’t take it, someone else will,” said the 58 year old native of Florida who admitted he never attended a college in his life, nor is he affiliated with the school.

“It is my God given right to be in this… Coleman tent.”

Follow @islamicanews for this rather unsettling settlement situation.

Saudi Arabia To Participate In Miss Universe By Sending Model’s Male Guardian

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Saudi Arabia To Participate In Miss Universe By Sending Model’s Male Guardian

For the first time in the Kingdom’s history, Saudi Arabia will participate in the Miss Universe beauty pageant by sending their contestant’s male guardian on her behalf.

29 year old model and content creator Rumy Albakhtani will be represented by her older brother Rashad bin Abdullah on the world stage.

“As a little boy I always dreamed of representing my sister or future wife in a beauty pageant,” said bin Abdullah as he struggled to fit into a sequin-laced bikini for the event’s swimsuit competition.

“This is a responsibility I take seriously, and that’s why i’m getting a perm for my chest and back hairs.”

Follow @islamicanews as this story gets hairier.

Airdropped US-Supplied Aid For Gaza Obliterated By US-Supplied Missile Fired On Gaza

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Airdropped US-Supplied Aid For Gaza Obliterated By US-Supplied Missile Fired On Gaza

On Saturday, U.S. supplied humanitarian aid dropped into Gaza was obliterated by U.S. supplied missiles and bombs also meant to be dropped on Gaza.

Personnel at U.S. Central Command were reportedly frustrated as pallets of over 38,000 meals were destroyed by weapons delivered on pallets by President Biden just months prior.

“This has become a bit of a logistical conundrum for us,” said one official.

“We need to figure out if we want to drop our 2 ton bombs before we drop the humanitarian aid, or after. If we do it before, then what’s the point? BUT if we do it after, then what’s the point?”

The same officer mentioned that the Biden administration is open to more efficient delivery options.

“Perhaps if we place the bombs INSIDE the aid boxes, it will save us a trip?”

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#satire

To Win Muslim Customers Back, Starbucks Will Put Hijabs On Every Drink

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To Win Muslim Customers Back, Starbucks Will Put Hijabs On Every Drink

In an effort to win Muslim customers back, Starbucks announced it will begin to put hijabs on its entire menu of drinks.

Over the past couple of months, Starbucks found itself at the center of a global boycott campaign which alleges the coffee giant’s support for Israel. They intend to put these allegations to rest with the introduction of the ‘Caramel Hijab-uccino,’ and other beverages.

Customer reactions to the new cups have been mixed. Some celebrated the efforts for inclusion and the business’ product innovation. Others struggled, as they spent 35 minutes ‘unraveling’ their coffee.

One Muslim patron complained about a grande sized strand of hair showing in his medium roast.

Some non-Muslim Americans were outraged and accused Starbucks of pushing the “Islamiization” of America

“This is terrorist coffee!” said Hank Williams at a drive-thru window in Arkansas.

“While I’m here, can I get two creeps of Splenda in my Shariah creep?”

In related news: Government of France Bans Hijab Coffee Cups

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Netanyahu Quietly Asks Elon Musk To Change Gaza’s Wifi Password

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Netanyahu Quietly Asks Elon Musk To Change Gaza’s Wifi Password

On Monday, Benjamin Netanyahu quietly asked Elon Musk to change Gaza’s wifi password in order to prevent Palestinians from broadcasting real-time images of devastation and genocidal crimes to the rest of the world via social media.

Netanyahu made the request of Musk during the billionaire’s visit to Israel to address “information security” matters.

“I am not someone who is – how you say – tech savvy – or – how you say – honest,” said Netanyahu to Musk as he walked him over to a data closet right outside the Gaza strip.

“Perhaps you can reset the password to something else like ‘ithamasfault123’ or ‘ilovekillingbabies01’ or ‘idontwashmyhandsafterpeepee00’ so that they can’t log on.”

The Israeli Prime Minister also asked Musk to clear his web browsing history while he was at it.

Follow @islamicanews – for free wifi and free 🍉

Multi-talented Woman Has the Ability to Condemn Killing Of Certain Children and Promote The Killing of Certain Other Children All at the Same Time

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Multi-talented Woman Has the Ability to Condemn Killing Of Certain Children and Promote The Killing of Certain Other Children All at the Same Time

25 year old, multi-talented Leah Coen can simultaneously condemn the killing of certain children while advocating the indiscriminate murder of certain other children in impressive, dissonant form.

The Brooklyn resident is remarkably capable of expressing two diametrically opposed thoughts without a discernible flinch.

“It’s disgusting what Hamas did to those babies, and it’s important that Israel continues to obliterate those other babies that had nothing to do with these babies and we should all be able to coexist because it’s our land not theirs and they need to leave and go somewhere else because we need to preserve life by killing every Palestinian man, woman and child. Peace, love and no ceasefire,” said Coen as she pouted her lips and posed for the gram.

Follow @islamicanews for more conflicted thought coverage

IDF Shows Inside Of Alleged Hamas Member’s Home And His “Bomb-Making Leather Sectional”

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IDF Shows Inside Of Alleged Hamas Member’s Home And His “Bomb-Making Leather Sectional”

On Wednesday, the Israeli Defense Forces led a handful of reporters through the living room of an alleged Hamas militant’s home for an exclusive look at explosive manufacturing devices including a modern, 2 piece, leather bomb-making sectional and two violently plush velvet recliners.

“We are standing in what is the lion’s den of a vile Hamas operation,” announced Admiral Daniel Levin as he showcased a professionally interior designed space with midcentury flare.

“As you can see, this top-grain, tan leather seating arrangement is where they probably built rockets. They acquire these tools from the extremist government of Iran, or Wayfair… because they hate the West… Elm.”

After Levin paraded several seasonal decor items and “projectile” throw pillows, he picked up a TV remote to show how Hamas used wireless tech for destruction.

“This button here says ‘Netflix’ which is arabic for triggering explosion and other Stranger Things.”

Follow @islamicanews for our exposé of the world’s most dangerous floral arrangements.

Navigating The Word Game: Part 1

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Navigating The Word Game: Part 1

Police Bomb Texas Elementary School To Stop Active Shooter, End Up Killing 250 Children

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Police Bomb Texas Elementary School To Stop Active Shooter, End Up Killing 250 Children

In an effort to stop an active shooter suspected of hiding inside a Texas school, Ezrael County Police bombed Lakeland Elementary killing all 250 students.

Chief Benjamin Yahu dismissed any responsibility and claimed the gunman, identified as 32 year old Burt Shamas, used the children as human shields.

“The Ezrael County Police Department has a right to defend itself,” stated Yahu against the backdrop of mutilated bodies and limbs, ranging in ages between 5 and 9 years old.

“If these children didn’t want Shamas, why did they and their parents let him into the school? Why did they let him live amongst them? Why did they vote for politicians who supported Shamas to have access to these deadly weapons? This is on Shamas and all the folks that allowed him to exist.”

Yahu mentioned the gunman is still at large, and could be hiding in area hospitals.

President Biden, is expected to visit later today and deliver remarks as well as more weapons to the Ezrael County Police Department.

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