Supreme Court Rules Imam Can Recite Entire Surah Baqara In First Rakah On High School Football Field

The Supreme Court of the United States dealt a 6-3 win for a Washington state Imam, allowing him to recite the longest chapter of the Quran in the first rakah during congregational prayer on a high school football field.

Critics say the court’s decision further erodes the nation’s separation of church and state, and many worshippers claim it erodes their ability to stand still in the congregation for an extended period of time.

“This has got to be the strangest version of the national anthem i’ve heard,” remarked one frustrated parent in the stand watching the game.

“When he recited that one thing about ‘Deaf, Dumb, and Blind,’ I wonder if he was talking about these terrible refs.”

The Imam then extended his arm out as a way to stop the band from marching in front of him, but inadvertently clotheslined the entire drumline.

Follow @islamicanews for continued SCOTUS coverage.

Muslim Man Forgets He’s Fasting, Accidentally Eats Entire Ham Sandwich

On Monday, 28 year old Ali Faruq forgot he was fasting and robotically devoured an entire ham and cheese sandwich positioned on a plate in front of him.

During the month of Ramadan, Muslims all over the world fast from sunrise to sunset. However, many experience transitional challenges as they adjust to a new routine.

“It was 3 PM, and I just watched him in horror as he swallowed an entire ham sandwich down his pie hole,” said friend Rashid Wallace.

“I tried to stop him, but it just all happened so fast… so much to unpack. Do I call out his fast-nesia? Do I throw myself in between him and the hell-ridden, swine sandwich?!? Like how did that sandwich get there? Did he make it? I just froze and let out this whimper of defeat.”

“Oh crap!” Faruq exclaimed after realizing what he’d done. He then let out a three second-long burp as mustard still oozed from the side of his mouth.

Other friends observed Faruq was the first person they met who had Ramadan breath AND ham breath on the same day.

Follow @islamicanews – and please hold the ham.

New Mosque Still Looks Like Old McDonald’s

A new mosque on the city’s north side still looks like the old McDonald’s it used to be. Members from the Islamic Society of Northern Chicago acquired the 40 year old building and made minimal efforts to transform the structure from a fast food haven into a place of worship for area muslims.

Various familiar structures remained visible through a veneer of green paint and makeshift signage. Letters were reshuffled on the facade of the building to spell ‘osque’ and appended to the restaurant’s iconic, golden arches.

“You can totally tell it used to be a Mickey D’s,” observed Mary Smith as she sipped on her latte at a coffee shop across the street.

“They used that 80’s playground thing as a minaret… and wow is that dome made out of a giant hamburger bun?!?”

Inside, patrons coped with a sudden craving for Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Others sat obliviously in their car, stranded in the drive-thru line.

“I ordered a McRib, but instead they gave me something called a MaghRib?”

The Imam of the mosque, Shake Raniyal Mukh-Danniyal made an impassioned, venue-inspired sermon to a relatively small congregation.

“Islam is like a super-sized happy meal for your soul!” said Mukh-Daaniyal behind a cash register repurposed as a lectern.

“And parents make sure to register your kids for sundae school… because in heaven, the ice cream machine is never broken!”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram for the latest on this old McDonald’s ى ا ى ا و

Feeling Festive, Mosque Attendees Perform Christmas Ghusuls

Feeling the holiday spirit, attendees of a Dallas area mosque gathered in the building’s restroom stalls to perform ghusul-renditions of popular Christmas carols.

The improvised, all-male quartet represented a wide range of deep and high notes as they masterfully coordinated body sounds, and splashes from their respective water vessels.

Some of their hits included:

  • Splish-Splosh Bells
  • Tableeghi Jamaat is Coming to Town
  • Miswaks Roasting on an Open Fire
  • I’m Dreaming of a White Convert
  • Ghusul While You Work
  • All I Want for Christmas is Eid
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Depending on a lunar calendar and what moon sighting committee decides)

Audience member Noor Hussaini was visibly moved during the hour-long performance.

“It brought a tear to my eye,” said Hussaini as he frantically searched his pockets for a tissue.

“It’s either a tear, or a drop of water from all the splashing. Next time, i’m bringing a pancho.”

Follow @islamicanews as we reluctantly cover the encore.

Islamica News Asks: As a Muslim-American, do you celebrate Christmas?

For many Americans, the holidays can be a beautiful time of year. For others, it can be rather awkward. Islamica News asks 5 Muslim-Americans if they celebrate Christmas. Swipe through to read what they had to say!

  • Shaikh Mabuti on Christmas
  • Islamica Asks: Awad Family
  • Islamica Asks: Omar Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Habib Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Aza Mustafa
  • Islamica Promo: Happy Holidays

Like, follow, share. Islamica News, now on Instagram!

https://www.instagram.com/islamicanews/

Mosque Investigation Reveals All 5,000 Congregants Really Secret FBI Informants Trying To Entrap Each Other

An internal investigation into a Ohio area mosque revealed that all 5,043 attendees were working diligently as FBI informants seeking to incriminate one another.

Mosque officials conducted a full readout of the results from the shocking month-long probe, to worshippers at last week’s Friday prayers.

“We’ve always suspected a government operative had infiltrated our sacred space, but the extent of this surveillance is mind boggling,” announced mosque President Khalid Hammad shaking his head before running through a long list of individuals involved.

“Folks who worked with the FBI include our very own Imam, our resident muezzin, the announcement dude, the guy in the hallway who dishes out extra judgmental stares every week… even the crying 2 year old kid from the sisters section was in on it.”

As Hammad continued to call out members, visibly red-faced patrons looked down in embarrassment and avoided eye contact with each other.

“We caught that uncle from the wudu area who clears his throat so loud the entire mosque can hear, trying to rat out the other uncle who over dramatically blows his nose for an hour. We also found men in the bathroom stalls trying to entrap each other, but the recorded audio was completely muffled by all the ghusal-ing.”

Hammad condemned his entire congregation and branded them as sellouts before he divulged one final, ironic detail.

“The only guy not involved is the white convert everyone thought was the informant.”

Follow (don’t surveil) @islamicanews as more information surfaces about Masjid-ul-Squeal.

Halal Steak Had Very Haram Past

The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The 18 month old bull named “Beevs” (now a 1 LB. New York Prime Strip amongst other cuts), spent much of his adult life at Creekwater Ranch taking part in drug-fueled parties, casual cattle orgies, and habitual gambling.Once considered the go-to herd sire by cattle farmers, Beevs took a precipitous fall from grace, and often showed up to work too drunk to breed.

“While the halal authenticity of this steak isn’t in question, the irony of its lifestyle is not lost on us,” wrote Inspector General Waleed Ali of the Halal Council of America.

Details from the report uncovered other disturbing finds.

“We were shocked to discover Beevs was in possession of a high interest-rate credit card, and often engaged in the wrong kind of marshmallows.”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram to find out what’s at steak!

Imam Giving Friday Sermon Clearly Has Side Gig As Mall Santa

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On Friday, worshippers at a north side Chicago mosque observed Imam Hasan Takloz give a passionate sermon while peculiarly dressed liked St. Nick.

For 30 minutes, Takloz admonished his congregation to maintain their Islamic identity and not succumb to cultural norms, while the metallic bells on his wrist subtly jingled with each emphasis.

“I’m pretty sure my kid was on this guy’s lap this morning at the Lincoln Park Mall,” Hashim Khan whispered to a friend sitting next to him.

“In fact, I think my wife was too… wtf dude.”

Takloz reminded worshippers that God is always watching.“And my dear brothers and sisters… he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake,” chanted Takloz, visibly restraining himself from full-on Christmas carol mode.

After prayer, the Imam announced that his sleigh was blocked-in by two Toyotas.

Follow @islamicanews for more ho ho ho-akbar!

Single Indian Man Would Like You To Know His Pronouns Are ‘Hum Aur Thum’

An Indian man’s matrimonial profile designated his preferred gender pronouns to be ‘hum/thum/phir bacha.’

The pronouns, which translated from hindi mean ‘me/you/and then a baby,’ preceded a string of other confusing phrases. The following is an excerpt from Sameer Shah’s online profile:

Sameer Shah
Age: 32
Hum/Thum/Phir Bacha/Her e Mirchi/Something like that one/Me Need Green Card/She then make a Chai to me

Follow us/this @islamicanews

Bored Moon Sighting Committee Declares Eid For The Hell of It

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

The all male, veteran team of 6 struggled to find ways to be relevant, as the start of Ramadan was still over 6 months away.

“Our committee’s function is very specific,” explained 71 year old Abdul Malik as he played a game of bridge with the other men, robotically sipping on styrofoam cups of tea.

“We see the moon, we declare Eid. It’s what we do. It’s all we do.”

Through an audible yawn, Malik asked the team if they should just declare Eid tomorrow.

“I anticipated some push back, but the other guys just shrugged their shoulders and nodded without looking away from their playing cards.”

Malik resisted recent calls from the community to disband until necessary, and has indicated his group may declare several more Eids, now that they’ve set a precedent.

“It’s called job security baby.”

Follow @islamicanews but don’t follow these guys for Eid announcements.