Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game

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Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game

Seattle, WA – On Sunday, 32 year old Harris Kasem took a break from watching football to express his disappointment at comments recently made by President Donald Trump regarding NFL players kneeling during the national anthem.

Trump told a crowd at a rally in Alabama that NFL team owners should fire any player who disrespects the flag, and referred to a dissenting athlete as a ‘son of a bitch.’

“I was completely upset and offended by the President’s words,” said Kasem, as the TV blared an afternoon divisional game in the background. A rather tense moment followed as his team headed into a third down and long situation.

“These players are human beings with families and deserve resp — OH YOU F*CKING IDIOT! GET RID OF THE BALL!” yelled an instantly livid Kasem, as his team’s quarterback suffered his second sack of the game.

“So anyways, these players and their families don’t deserve that kind of degrading rhetoric – MAKE THE DAMN TACKLE YOU SON OF A WORTHLESS WHORE!” shouted a beet red Kasem, as he launched the remote control across the room.

As Kasem sluggishly lifted himself off the couch to retrieve the remote, he expressed his disbelief at how an athlete’s behavior could be the object of a President’s ire.

“Like seriously? Don’t you have other things going on to be worked up about? How about focusing your energy on — NO! NO! NO! YOU MISSED THE EASIEST FIELD GOAL! I WILL RIP OFF YOUR HEAD, PEEL THE SKIN BACK AND F*CK YOUR SKULL!!!!”

A distraught Kasem then picked up a football from the floor and immediately simulated violent fornication with it for thirty seconds, before passing out in exhaustion.

Kasem plans to write a letter to Congress on Monday.

Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal: "The community should rest assured that our introvert of an Imam is not a threat to anyone."

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<span class=Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal: "The community should rest assured that our introvert of an Imam is not a threat to anyone."" title="Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal: "The community should rest assured that our introvert of an Imam is not a threat to anyone."" />

Schaumburg, IL – In response to mounting pressure from the community, mosque officials issued a press release about their socially awkward Imam, assuring members that he is scandal-free.

“After an exhaustive assessment of Imam Khalid Azeem’s activities, the board has found no improper behavior, and ZERO opportunities for any allegations at this time,” said ISGS President Ibrahim Latif.

“With his inability to connect to the youth, his irrelevant sermons, and his inapproachable demeanor, Brother Khalid remains harmless to even the most vulnerable members of our community.”

Latif went on to note that Azeem’s online personality is just as trivial, with only 8 followers on Twitter (mostly family members) and a Facebook page that’s rarely updated. He once accidentally streamed a sermon live on Facebook while his phone was in his pocket.

Latif also mentioned that the mosque tracked the Imam’s free-time activities, saying that Azeem spends an exorbitant amount of time miswak-ing his teeth.

“He really goes to town on that upper left cuspid.”

One member of the community remarked that Azeem’s last sermon, ‘Don’t Do Bad Things and Stuff,’ mostly implored worshippers to use only one paper towel after performing wudu.

Azeem, who has been Imam at the mosque for over five years, fulfills his role in a bare minimum fashion. Aside from sermons and prayers, Azeem occasionally attends community outreach activities with very limited participation.

Senior Pastor John Denna, whose Lutheran Church is adjacent to the ISGC, describes his interactions with Azeem as “challenging.”

“At last week’s interfaith dialogue, he walked in, shook our hand, mumbled something about Jesus also being a Prophet in Islam, and then hid behind a curtain for the rest of the night,” said a perplexed Denna.

“We knew he was hiding there. You could see his bathroom slippers poking out from the bottom of the curtains.”

The ISGS will continue to monitor Azeem, and anticipates it will be “business as usual” with their less than engaging Imam.

 

 

NASCAR Vehicle Quietly Kneels During National Anthem: Outraged fans call for disciplinary action, as ratings plummet.

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New Hampshire Raceway – Controversy erupted on Sunday, as Lyle Bennett’s No. 19 Car kneeled during the national anthem at the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series.

The two year old, neon green striped stock car quietly sunk down to the ground as the crowd color-coordinated the American flag from the stands. Its sponsor logos only partially visible amidst the sea of its competitors. Its morale noticeably deflated.

Although its behavior was quiet and peaceful, critics accused the car of blatant disrespect of the flag and the nation’s military.

Outraged fans could be heard booing, as the car emerged from the pit halfway through the race. Some shouted at the Toyota engine model and told it to go back to its country.

Neither Bennet, nor the No. 19 vehicle were available for comment.

 

Hurricane Tours Destructive US President: Climate elements over Texas get a first-hand glimpse of the active threat to the US mainland, full of tweet-storms.

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<span class=Hurricane Tours Destructive US President: Climate elements over Texas get a first-hand glimpse of the active threat to the US mainland, full of tweet-storms." title="Hurricane Tours Destructive US President: Climate elements over Texas get a first-hand glimpse of the active threat to the US mainland, full of tweet-storms." />

Houston, TX –  The latest Atlantic hurricane got a first-hand glimpse of the destructive leader of the free world on Tuesday, surveying the erratic entity as it flew over Southeast Texas.

Clouds above and floodwaters below joined in awe as they witnessed the threatening specimen capable of menacing policy and tweet-storms, make its way across several Gulf Coast counties.

As Marine One skimmed the Texas sky, the once Category-4 storm witnessed bright flashes of orange light-up the dark and stormy skies.

Unlike events in the past, this Commander-in-Chief is expected to sustain damaging budget cuts well into the next 3 years – revealing its epic magnitude.

In a related event, at 12 PM on Tuesday, the “Border Wall Idea” checked in safe on Facebook.

The President is expected to makes its ways back to the east coast, and strengthen again along the way.

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White House Announces “IFFTAR BASH 2017”: This year's Iftar will be held during lunch, and will serve 'porkorays'

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Washington, DC – On Saturday, members of the White House staff announced the ‘Make America Great Again IFFTAR BASH 2017.’ This event is meant to mark the start of Ramadan, the sacred month when Muslims abstain from food and drink during the daylight hours.

Islamica News has obtained a copy of the open invitation (pictured above).

Before Leaving Saudi, Bannon Sprays “Muzlims Go Home!” On Side of Mosque: Tillerson: “I remember thinking it didn’t make any sense… aren’t they already home?!?”

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<span class=Before Leaving Saudi, Bannon Sprays “Muzlims Go Home!” On Side of Mosque: Tillerson: “I remember thinking it didn’t make any sense… aren’t they already home?!?”" title="Before Leaving Saudi, Bannon Sprays “Muzlims Go Home!” On Side of Mosque: Tillerson: “I remember thinking it didn’t make any sense… aren’t they already home?!?”" />

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – On Sunday evening as the Trump delegation left Saudi Arabia for Israel, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly requested the convoy to abruptly pull over at a nearby mosque. Much to the confusion of the entire staff, a frustrated Bannon then pulled out a can of spray paint from his attaché, draped him self in a beige hoody and quickly made his way toward the mosque.

The former Breitbart executive painted the words: “Muzlims go home!” before scurrying back to his limo, and prompting the driver to “go, go, GO!” as banjo getaway music blared through the speakers.

As the limo screeched away from the mob of angry locals stampeding toward them, a shocked Rex Tillerson asked Bannon about what he just witnessed.

“I asked him, ‘what did you do?!?’” recalled the U.S. Secretary of State. “Steve just responded ‘What I should have done when I got here – told them all to go home!’”

“I remember thinking it didn’t make any sense… aren’t they already home?!?”

As the scandal unfolded, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, issued the following statement on Monday morning during a scheduled press conference:

“What the Chief Strategist clearly meant to say is that those Muslims should go more home, even more than they were currently at the time. Like if you’re in the front of your home, you should move to the center. Look it’s not a bad thing to go home since that’s where your bed and toothbrush is. Who doesn’t like a bed? Some people don’t have beds. I’m sure if you were a mosque attendee you would feel good about it. I would. And that’s all I’m going to say about this.”

The Press Secretary then pretended to be a White House statue to avoid any further questions.

As the President’s team arrives in Tel Aviv, a spokesperson assures Israel they will keep Bannon clear of any Synagogues.

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