Sunday, January 19, 2020
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Friend Who Never Prays Will Make Sure To Keep You In His Duas

Your friend who doesn't pray, wants you to know that he'll definitely keep you in his duas.

Your friend who rarely ever prays wants you to know he’ll definitely keep you in his duas. By some miracle perhaps he will, but most probably not since the last prayer he offered was 3 years ago on Eid. 

Follow @islamicanews on instagram for even more empty promises.

Mosque Community Delighted Islamophobe Spelled ‘Muslims’ Correctly on Wall

Community officials at a Memphis area mosque were ecstatic when they saw that a Islamophobe spelled the word 'Muslims' correctly on their wall.

The Islamic community in Memphis was ecstatic after it appeared that a recent incident of vandalism was done by a well informed and learned islamophobe.

“The last guy who vandalized our mosque used all sorts of misspelled verbiage, and spelled Muslim with a Z and an O,” said Imam Abdul Saleem. “It’s good to see the fruits of our efforts on display here… right next to a giant swastika.”

Community members were also impressed that the vandal removed his shoes before entering the prayer hall to smash glass and litter it with pig heads.

Muslim Scientists Clone Hamza Yusuf To Meet Busy Islamic Conference Schedule

In preparation of a busy Islamic conference season, Muslim scientists have successfully cloned a widely popular scholar.

It’s no coincidence Hamza Yusuf has appeared on every Islamic conference flier the past few months. Muslim scientist have successfully cloned the popular Shaikh after receiving requests for him to speak at concurrent Islamic conferences.

“We have 4 Hamzas scheduled to speak tonight in Chicago, Houston, Los Angeles, and Oakland,” said project director Muhammad Afzaal. “By this time next year, we’ll have quadrupled capacity.”

Geneticists have noted the effort has met some challenges, as each clone exhibits a more progressive position on hot topics.

“Last week, Hamza 3 decided to pull out his Fender, and riffed a guitar solo in the middle of his lecture on preserving Muslim identity.” 

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram and Twitter to keep track of all the Hamzas.

To Attract Younger Demographic, Mosque Adds Giant Slide To Minaret

A midwest mosque added a giant slide to one of its two minarets, in an effort to attract a younger audience and provide the muezzin a thrilling way down.

In an effort to attract a younger demographic, a mosque in suburban Detroit has added a giant, twisty slide to one its two minarets.

The spiral slide also provides the muezzin, (person who does the adhan/call to prayer) a more efficient yet exhilarating way down.

“I don’t know if the word ‘weeeeee’ is an orthodox part of the adhan, but it seems to be the case at this mosque,” said attendee Jaafer Raza.

Other attendees noted that the slide increases minaret utilization from 5 times a day, commenting, “There’s never a bad time to slide.”

Others were more critical of the new addition saying it’s a slippery slope.

“The mosque isn’t a playground!” said Mariam Khan. “What’s next? A bouncey house mosque? That slide might as well descend into the Hellfire while we’re at it!” 

Israeli Bulldozer Demolishes ‘Jeopardy!’ Contestant’s Podium After ‘Palestine’ Response

An Israeli bulldozer appeared on the set of Jeopardy to demolish a contestant's podium after uttering the word 'Palestine' on an internationally televised game show.

Witnesses say an Israeli bulldozer appeared on the set of ‘Jeopardy!’ and demolished a contestant’s podium shortly after she identified Palestine as the location of the Church of The Nativity.

While it is still unclear who ordered the demolition, an Israeli spokesperson issued a statement saying they’ve addressed the threat within the guidelines of policy. “The terrorist has been neutralized,” read the brief press release.

By the end of the show, construction of settlements were already underway, placing Palestine in final jeopardy.

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