Monday, April 6, 2020
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“NO! NO! NO! YOU NINCOMPOOP!” Fauci Explodes At Trump During Coronavirus Press Conference

Earlier today, Dr. Anthony Fauci appeared to lose it as President Trump announced that laxatives were proven effective against the coronavirus.

Dr. Anthony Fauci grew visibly frustrated during Trump’s daily coronavirus press briefing, as the President indicated that a regimen of laxatives and Liquid Drano proved effective in flushing out the virus from “millions” of patients, and would soon be put to trial later this week.

The infectious disease expert in charge of advising the White House’s response to the pandemic desperately charged the podium in an effort to muzzle the President. “No! No! No! You damn Nicompoop!” exclaimed Fauci as he ran up with arms flailing in panic.

“Have you lost your f#%king mind?!? I can’t do this anymore! I was supposed to be retired living in a yurt by now.” mumbled the esteemed medical expert who served under six American Presidents.

With an irate invoked blood-red complexion, Fauci positioned himself behind the microphone and began to correct the six factually inaccurate statements made by the President moments earlier.

In other news, Amazon reports it has sold out of Liquid Drano. 

Imam Leaves Live Streaming On After Sermon

On Friday, Imam Shaikh Mabuti went live on Facebook for his weekly sermon, but forgot to shutoff his feed.

Elgin, IL – Well after he live streamed a Friday sermon, Shaikh Mabuti, Imam of a suburban Chicago mosque, still appeared to be broadcasting from his camera phone.

Online followers desperately tried to alert the Imam via the Facebook Live streaming service comments section, as he walked into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and did his thing while singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

Over 200 followers also observed the Imam make himself a sandwich, wash his hands over a dozen times, and blow burps into his children’s faces. As of 5:30 pm, the Imam was still broadcasting on Facebook as he binge watched a season of Friends. 

Update: Mabuti’s live stream ended after his cell phone battery discharged on Saturday afternoon. It also appeared that it was finally brought to the Imam’s attention, based on a recent tweet from his account.

8 Things the United States Government is Doing To Protect the Country Against Coronavirus

As the coronavirus pandemic sweeps through the country, Islamica News highlights 8 key things the US government is doing to protect Americans. Swipe through the below gallery to find out! Follow @islamicanews for ongoing coverage of the pandemic.

Nation Sees Increase in “Quarantined Dad Fart Trauma”

A recent report indicates that the number of trauma cases stemming from dad-gas has increased due to regional shelter-in-place orders.

Chicago, IL – A nonprofit organization monitoring the nation’s mental health issued a troubling report which showed an increase in trauma among children who have had to endure their father’s constant flatulence while subjected to home quarantines. The published study showed kids that were exposed to “daddy stinkies” for an extended period of time were more likely to exhibit symptoms of grief, including short bouts of screaming words like “ewwwww” either alone, or in unison with their siblings.

“We’re detecting elevated levels of methane exposure with some of these kids,” says Dr. Saima Khan of the National Alliance for Pediatric Mental Health.

“The short of it is that dad has nowhere to go. Kids have nowhere to go. Farts have nowhere to go. And as the old adage goes, ‘shelter in place makes it fester in place.’”

Area father and working from home professional Faraz Ahmed showed no remorse, as he justified his behavior with his own two children.

“The way I see it, they came from something inside me, they can handle the other stuff inside me too,” said Ahmed as his kids dry heaved behind him.

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram and Twitter, but don’t follow dad after dinner.

Friend Who Never Prays Will Make Sure To Keep You In His Duas

Your friend who doesn't pray, wants you to know that he'll definitely keep you in his duas.

Your friend who rarely ever prays wants you to know he’ll definitely keep you in his duas. By some miracle perhaps he will, but most probably not since the last prayer he offered was 3 years ago on Eid. 

Follow @islamicanews on instagram for even more empty promises.