Monday, January 24, 2022
Home Blog

New Mosque Still Looks Like Old McDonald’s

A new mosque on the city’s north side still looks like the old McDonald’s it used to be. Members from the Islamic Society of Northern Chicago acquired the 40 year old building and made minimal efforts to transform the structure from a fast food haven into a place of worship for area muslims.

A new mosque on the city’s north side still looks like the old McDonald’s it used to be. Members from the Islamic Society of Northern Chicago acquired the 40 year old building and made minimal efforts to transform the structure from a fast food haven into a place of worship for area muslims.

Various familiar structures remained visible through a veneer of green paint and makeshift signage. Letters were reshuffled on the facade of the building to spell ‘osque’ and appended to the restaurant’s iconic, golden arches.

“You can totally tell it used to be a Mickey D’s,” observed Mary Smith as she sipped on her latte at a coffee shop across the street.

“They used that 80’s playground thing as a minaret… and wow is that dome made out of a giant hamburger bun?!?”

Inside, patrons coped with a sudden craving for Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. Others sat obliviously in their car, stranded in the drive-thru line.

“I ordered a McRib, but instead they gave me something called a MaghRib?”

The Imam of the mosque, Shake Raniyal Mukh-Danniyal made an impassioned, venue-inspired sermon to a relatively small congregation.

“Islam is like a super-sized happy meal for your soul!” said Mukh-Daaniyal behind a cash register repurposed as a lectern.

“And parents make sure to register your kids for sundae school… because in heaven, the ice cream machine is never broken!”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram for the latest on this old McDonald’s ى ا ى ا و

Feeling Festive, Mosque Attendees Perform Christmas Ghusuls

On Saturday, attendees of a Dallas area mosque gathered in the men's room to perform a medley of Christmas ghusuls.

Feeling the holiday spirit, attendees of a Dallas area mosque gathered in the building’s restroom stalls to perform ghusul-renditions of popular Christmas carols.

The improvised, all-male quartet represented a wide range of deep and high notes as they masterfully coordinated body sounds, and splashes from their respective water vessels.

Some of their hits included:

  • Splish-Splosh Bells
  • Tableeghi Jamaat is Coming to Town
  • Miswaks Roasting on an Open Fire
  • I’m Dreaming of a White Convert
  • Ghusul While You Work
  • All I Want for Christmas is Eid
  • It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Depending on a lunar calendar and what moon sighting committee decides)

Audience member Noor Hussaini was visibly moved during the hour-long performance.

“It brought a tear to my eye,” said Hussaini as he frantically searched his pockets for a tissue.

“It’s either a tear, or a drop of water from all the splashing. Next time, i’m bringing a pancho.”

Follow @islamicanews as we reluctantly cover the encore.

Islamica News Asks: As a Muslim-American, do you celebrate Christmas?

For many Americans, the holidays can be a beautiful time of year. For others, it can be rather awkward. Islamica News asks 5 Muslim-Americans if they celebrate Christmas. Swipe through to read what they had to say!

  • Shaikh Mabuti on Christmas
  • Islamica Asks: Awad Family
  • Islamica Asks: Omar Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Habib Ali
  • Islamica Asks: Aza Mustafa
  • Islamica Promo: Happy Holidays

Like, follow, share. Islamica News, now on Instagram!

https://www.instagram.com/islamicanews/

Mosque Investigation Reveals All 5,000 Congregants Really Secret FBI Informants Trying To Entrap Each Other

Masjid-Ul-Informant
An internal investigation of an Ohio mosque revealed the entire congregation worked for the FBI.

An internal investigation into a Ohio area mosque revealed that all 5,043 attendees were working diligently as FBI informants seeking to incriminate one another.

Mosque officials conducted a full readout of the results from the shocking month-long probe, to worshippers at last week’s Friday prayers.

“We’ve always suspected a government operative had infiltrated our sacred space, but the extent of this surveillance is mind boggling,” announced mosque President Khalid Hammad shaking his head before running through a long list of individuals involved.

“Folks who worked with the FBI include our very own Imam, our resident muezzin, the announcement dude, the guy in the hallway who dishes out extra judgmental stares every week… even the crying 2 year old kid from the sisters section was in on it.”

As Hammad continued to call out members, visibly red-faced patrons looked down in embarrassment and avoided eye contact with each other.

“We caught that uncle from the wudu area who clears his throat so loud the entire mosque can hear, trying to rat out the other uncle who over dramatically blows his nose for an hour. We also found men in the bathroom stalls trying to entrap each other, but the recorded audio was completely muffled by all the ghusal-ing.”

Hammad condemned his entire congregation and branded them as sellouts before he divulged one final, ironic detail.

“The only guy not involved is the white convert everyone thought was the informant.”

Follow (don’t surveil) @islamicanews as more information surfaces about Masjid-ul-Squeal.

Halal Steak Had Very Haram Past

Halal Steak Had Haram Past
Do you know where your halal meat’s been? The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The results from a background check of a halal steak recently served at a Chicago area restaurant showed the animal led a demonstrably haram life.

The 18 month old bull named “Beevs” (now a 1 LB. New York Prime Strip amongst other cuts), spent much of his adult life at Creekwater Ranch taking part in drug-fueled parties, casual cattle orgies, and habitual gambling.Once considered the go-to herd sire by cattle farmers, Beevs took a precipitous fall from grace, and often showed up to work too drunk to breed.

“While the halal authenticity of this steak isn’t in question, the irony of its lifestyle is not lost on us,” wrote Inspector General Waleed Ali of the Halal Council of America.

Details from the report uncovered other disturbing finds.

“We were shocked to discover Beevs was in possession of a high interest-rate credit card, and often engaged in the wrong kind of marshmallows.”

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram to find out what’s at steak!

HALL OF FAME