Tuesday, October 15, 2019
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Saudi Introduces New High Speed Tawaf Train

Tawaf High Speed Train
Saudi Arabia's latest effort to modernize Hajj for over 3 million pilgrims per year includes a train that can do tawaf at speeds up to 300 km/h.

Mecca, KSA – The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has taken another step to modernize Islam’s holiest city of Mecca. Now worshippers can conduct their tawaf, the circumambulation of the Kaaba required during Umrah and Hajj, at speeds of up to 300 kilometers per hour. This after the Saudi government unveiled a high-speed train that races in a circle seven times before screeching to a halt.

The Kingdom has been rolling out high-speed trains to address logistical transportation challenges experienced during the Hajj, and feels “The Tawaf Express” streamlines the fulfillment of a cornerstone ritual required of every pilgrim.

“There is no logistical aspect of Hajj that cannot be addressed by a high speed train,” said head engineer Khaled El-Sharouf. “Getting from Medinah to Mecca, high speed train. Doing Tawaf, high speed train. Doing ablution, high speed train with showerheads. Holding dissenting journalist accountable, high speed train… equipped with high speed bone saw of course…”

Not without failures, the train has derailed 1,456 times within the first 24 hours of operation, thanks in part to the massive centrifugal force exerted by the five-star luxury hotel in each car, and a soaring clock tower in tow.

On Tuesday, the braking system failed as 250 passengers were stuck on the train for 2 hours.

“We kept going and going, and went around the kaaba 2,500 times,” said one pilgrim from the United Kingdom. “That’s like 350 umrahs.”

Most other passengers were unavailable to share their experience with Islamica News, as many suffered whiplash or severe nausea and had to be rushed to nearby hospitals… on high speed train of course.


Islamica News recently compiled a list of the not-so-familiar Muslim-American pioneers breaking the mould. Scroll through below to read about their accomplishments and valuable contributions to the community!

Kanye West Speaks To His Bass

Observers dismissed Kanye West's confusing rant in the Oval Office as him simply "speaking to his bass."

Washington, DC – In a bizarre turn of events, Rapper Kanye West met Thursday with Donald Trump, telling the President in an Oval Office meeting before reporters why he has been a big fan of the POTUS.

News analysts claim that the perplexing and beatless dialogue exchanged with Trump was simply West “speaking to his bass.”

“Kanye always does this when he freestyles,” said wife Kim Kardashian. “He’s just trying to find a backbeat to his hook… without it, he just sounds crazy.”

Fallout from the artists erratic behavior is expected, and the artist may find himself in even more treble.

Khabib to Senate: “I LIKE BEAR.”

On Wednesday, UFC Champion Khabib Nurmagomedov testified before the U.S. Senate. Throughout his testimony, Nurmagomedov pointed out that he "liked bear."

Washington, DC – On Wednesday, UFC Lightweight Champion Khabib Nurmagomedov testified before the U.S. Senate, responding to questions about the melee that followed his victory over Conor McGregor. Today’s discussion primarily centered around the fighter’s adolescence, and his history with bear during that period of his life.

Islamica News has obtained a transcript of the hearing. Below is an excerpt:

Senator: First of all Mr. Nurmagomedov, congratulations to you on your victory. But sir, you jumped out of the Octagon right after the fight and that’s a violations of the rules. Unacceptable.

Khabib: He talked about my religion, my country, my father. He broke bus. So why people talk about me jumping over cage? I like bear.

Senator: Mr. Nurmagomedov, we’ll get to your history with bears in a moment, but you’re looking at some pretty serious fines not to mention a possible suspension and stripping away of your title.

Khabib: When I go home I know my father gonna smash me. Then I gonna smash bear. Maybe we share bear, smash together. I told you, bear is like tap machine.

Senator: I’m sorry you have bear on tap?!? Never mind. How many bears do you smash?

Khabib: I dunno, maybe something like 2… 3… 20. Something like this. I lose count. I like bear.

Senator: Have you ever blacked out from bear?

Khabib: I don’t know. Have you?

Lindsey Graham: WHO DOESN’T LIKE BEARS! I LOVE BEARS TOO! This whole thing is shameful!

Khabib: Who is crazy guy? Come to Dagistan. My father, he smash you too… Inshallah.

Senator: Anything else?

Khabib: Yes, who is man sleeping under table?

Senator: That’s Judge Brett Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh: I like beer.

Khabib: Not me. I like bear.

Khabib has been with bear throughout his younger life. Khabib really likes bear.


Facebook Unveils ‘Start Civil War’ Feature To Address Current Political Crisis

On Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced a new feature that will enable users to spark a real civil war with others nearby.

Menlo Park, CA – Starting Wednesday, all 2.3 billion Facebook users will be able to declare civil war on one another based on their proximity and interests. CEO Mark Zuckerberg unveiled the new feature at a developer conference in San Francisco earlier this week, and is part of an ongoing response by the social media giant to address the country’s divided political climate.

“Over the past two years we’ve focused our efforts in trying to address the damage done by cognitive bias shaped news feeds and the alternative realities they’ve spawned,” said Zuckerberg, who founded the company in 2004.

In the past, Facebook has publicly acknowledged its role in influencing elections and political outcomes across the world. It has also admitted the platform’s vulnerability to foreign interference, which includes Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections.

“I’m excited to share with you our findings. We’ve determined that the societal deterioration caused by our social experiment is irreversible, and now the only option is to double-down and advance it to the next level. So we’re proud to announce our newest feature, ‘Start Civil War.'”

Users can finally unload years of bottled-up aggression and declare civil war on their fellow countrymen representing a variety of different social personas – including groups with opposing political views, religious beliefs, rival sports teams, and strange culinary preferences.

“Imagine being able to take up arms against those whiney libtards you went to high school with. How about engaging in a bloody skirmish with those brainless goons at the MAGA rally down the street? Perhaps you’d like to rape and pillage Conor McGregor fans? All possible with a click of a button,” said Zuckerberg as he flipped through screens of conflict-laden imagery.

“And – I should add, all of it’s streamable on Facebook Live.”

Facebook fans enthusiastically welcomed the new addition. Conference participant John McAllister believes the new feature was a “no-brainer” as many users had exhausted all efforts to engage in any rational and respectful discourse.

“That angry emoji face wasn’t cutting it anymore,” said McAllister. “I’m ready to kick some treasonous ass!”

Facebook has projected its ad revenue will only increase once the new feature is activated. As of Tuesday afternoon, Facebook stock was up 5%.