Wednesday, September 30, 2020
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Overdramatic Mu’azzin Really Rippin’ Into Those Hyalalfalahs

On Friday, Hasan Khan's call to prayer took his fellow congregants on an 11 minute, melodic journey to the heavens.

On Friday, congregants at the Meadows Islamic Center were subjected to an 11 minute, animated version of the call to prayer by fellow mosque attendee and Theatre major Hasan Khan. Khan enthusiastically filled-in as the voluntary Mu’azzin (name for the person who gives the Islamic call to prayer, the Adhan), introducing his own extended version, chok-full of dramatic pauses and impressive vocals ranging from bass to soprano.

Khan’s acting resume includes performances from his high school musical productions of “Little Shop of Horrors” and “Marry Poppins,” and more recently a community theater role in “Guys and Dolls.”

Worshipper Hisham Abdullah described the moment as “bizarre and uncomfortable.”

“I’m pretty sure the first half of the Adhan was sung to the tune of ‘Ave Maria,'” recalled Abdullah as he searched for his shoes after prayer.

“It was strange. At the end, he turned around and bowed. I think he was expecting us to shower him with roses?”

While most mosque attendees were irked by the delays and histrionics of it all, some were moved and described Khan’s adhan as a “ballad sans music.”

“It’s almost as if he took us on a journey with him, entertaining us along the way,” said a teary-eyed Mustafa Ali who sat in the front row of the prayer hall during the performance.

“I think I gave him a standing ovation at the end. I think I was the only one who gave him a standing ovation at the end.”

Khan is expected to give the adhan at next week’s Friday prayer, and is reportedly working on an interpretive dance version.

Man Who Coined The Terms ‘Libtard,’ ‘Snowflake’ Dies From Covid-19

Dusty McPhilips, inventor of the words 'libtard' and 'killary,' passed away earlier today, but not before yelling out "Dumocrat Hoax."

An Arkansas man recognized for his invaluable contributions to the conservative lexicon widely adopted by Trump supporters and internet trolls, passed away from Covid-19 earlier today.

John “Dusty” McPhilips came up with popular conservative terms and phrases such as ‘libtard,’ ‘sheeple,’ ‘dumocrat,’ and ‘lamestream media.’ His prolific work helped millions of right-wing keyboard warriors add just the right amount of zing to their rebuke of “liberals destroying America.”

“There ain’t a comments section or discussion thread on the internet that don’t got true freedom lovers using them words,” commented McPhilips teary-eyed friend and fellow patriot Tim Hansen.

“It seemed like just yesterday we were sharing memes about Obummer being a secret Muslim.”

In a 2015 prime-time television interview, McPhilips revealed how he came up with the word “libtard.”

“I was sitting there in front of my computer drinkin’ my beer, you know enjoyin my freedoms,” said McPhilips wearing a Confederate Flag trucker hat and an undersized wife beater shirt.

“I kept looking at the word ‘liberal’ on one side of my screen, and the word ‘retard’ on the other. And I went back and forth for three dad-gum hours. And then all of a sudden I yelled ‘TARDLIB’ out loud!”

McPhilips went on to refine the word in the weeks to come, after some trial and deliberation.

McPhilips last tweet on July 22 was a comprehensive word salad of his favorite hits, which read: “Globalist dumocrats and their cabal of sheeples are promoting there marxist, comunist ways through masks, deep state, BLM, Antifa, and Shariah Law. It’s all a big HOAX. There ain’t no VIRUS! Wake up! #MAGA #KAG P.S. Obama still coming for your guns!”

According to Hansen, McPhilips had been working on something “big” and was going to wait until next month to unveil his magnum opus.

“He was going to introduce the nickname ‘Dr Fauxi’ into the world on a Breitbart website page… Ya gone way too soon Dusty!”

McPhilip’s funeral was delayed after the inscription for his tombstone was flagged by an admin.

Man Activates Emergency Bread Ration Plan as Saalan to Roti Ratio Reaches 10:1

Zeeshan Rizvi activated his emergency bread ration plan when his saalan to roti ratio reached a dangerous level of 10:1.

Skokie, IL – Panic ensued as Zeeshan Rizvi invoked an emergency bread ration plan when he noticed he was down to his last sliver of chapati while dealing with a plateful of daal and shaami kabab.

The 32-year-old instinctively kicked into roti survival mode, as he forced minuscule pieces of bread to take on ten times the recommended saalan workload.

How did it get to this point? Was it a lack of planning? Possibly an over-indulgence, or inefficient use of bread during the first half of the meal? Questions left to be answered some other time. Right now, it’s all about getting through this disproportionate amount of daal and meat with the provision in hand, or risk being left with nothing except his raw fingers.

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Trump Supporter Needs a “DADGUM MINUTE” To Morally Decay And Defend President’s Latest Racist Tweet

On Tuesday morning, Trump supporter Charles Wade asked an onslaught of reporters for more time in order to process, morally decay and defend the President's latest racist tweet.

On Tuesday morning, loyal MAGA supporter and American Flag bandana connoisseur Charles Wade indicated he needed more time to process, rot inside, and defend President Trump’s latest racist tweet.

“Now wait one dad gum minute! I dunno what the President said about them black people or immigrants,” shouted Wade when he was approached by local reporters looking for perspective on Trump’s morning rant, filled with racist tropes and xenophobic undertones.

“Hell, I barely got off the crapper and ya’ll bum-rush me to speak to something I ain’t got a Sam Hill clue about. I told you fake news animals before, it’s a process and it takes time. I gotta look at myself in the mirror every morning, say goodbye to the part of me I gotta sell in order to defend whatever tweet I need to defend to protect this country from them liberals. That’s a lot of moral decaying to do before 7 am. So back off!”

Chase then shifted his focus away from journalists to a foyer mirror affixed on the wall, as he grit his teeth and stared at himself with increasing disappointment.

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Guy Who Looted Indian Store Has No Idea What To Do With 43 Boxes of Shan Masala, Calling Cards

After looting an Indian grocery store in Southwest Houston, Mike Edwards is unsure of what to do with his boxes of Shan Masala, Pan Parag, and cases of calling cards.

Mike Edwards isn’t sure of what to do with the several items he looted from a neighborhood Indian store late last night.

Edwards spread his loot across a parking lot just 3 blocks away from the Bombay Bazaar, a grocery store specializing in south asian grocery and other convenient items.

“What the hell did I nab?!?” said a bewildered Edwards as he picked up and shook a can of Pan Parag in the air.

“Is this thing full of rocks?!?”

In his 4.5 minute smash and grab operation, Edwards was able to run out with 43 boxes of Shan brand maslala, 2 bags of Basmati rice, 3 boxes of Fair and Lovely, a bottle of Hajmola, and a stack of calling cards.

The 22 year old also reeked of a combination of turmeric and chili powder smells, even several hours after he vacated the store.

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