Wednesday, February 8, 2023
Home Blog

Qatar Awards Messi With Country’s Most Prestigious Hand Bidet

Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani awards Argentina’s Lionel Messi Qatar’s highest and most prestigious award: a stainless steel hand-held bidet, with 3 adjustable speeds.

After a spectacular World Cup finals match, Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani awarded Argentina’s Lionel Messi Qatar’s highest and most prestigious award: a hand-held bidet.

“Today, we bestow on you a deep piece of Qatari culture… this Muslim hand shower, made from the highest quality stainless steel, with 3 adjustable speeds,” announced the Emir as he handed Messi the metallic water nozzle, seemingly still connected.

“This one is from my very own collection, and will always be tethered to one of my palace’s 137 toilets… enjoy.”

The 35 year old professional footballer was also gifted a spool of 8,288 miles long extension hose which will unravel as he flies back to Buenos Aires.

Tamim then turned to a jubilant stadium crowd to thank attendees who visited Doha from all over the world.

“… And I hope all of you have enjoyed our hotel and public bathroom hand bidets and will remember us as you return to your dry, toilet-paper-centric lives.”

Follow @islamicanews – for all of bidet’s headlines.

Company Issues Recall On Ultra-High Powered Muslim Shower

Halalco issued a massive recall on their 15,000 PSI, Ultra-High Powered Muslim Shower - the industrial-grade, handheld bidet many Muslims use to rinse their nether-regions as prescribed by their faith.


Halalco issued a massive recall on their 15,000 PSI, Ultra-High Powered Muslim Shower – the industrial-grade, handheld bidet many Muslims use to rinse their nether-regions as prescribed by their faith. This, after a number of customers experienced several bidet-related accidents, some resulting in major injuries.

Consumer protection advocates warn the high pressured jet stream of water from the bidet’s nozzle can strip off entire layers of skin, and eventually cut through bone, resulting in severed limbs.

Earlier today, first responders walked into a north side residence to find 41 year old Imran Ali lodged in the bathroom ceiling at his waist, apparently launched into the air by a single pump of the bidet’s handle hours, or possibly, days before. His suspended body trembled, as his legs dangled down with pants pulled down around the ankles. Ali then tried to unsuccessfully twist and turn his torso through the 12 inch hole in the dry wall, only to grow more frustrated.

“Is someone down there? Can you… Can you grant me some dignity and cover up my backside?” asked Ali seemingly unaware his gluteus maximus had just been completely dismembered from the rest of his body.

“All I wanted was a squeaky clean ass.”

Halalco defended its product, saying customers are instructed to use the Muslim Shower with glancing blows.

“The instruction clearly state, no direct pressure to pee pee, poo poo places,” said a company spokesperson.

Follow @islamicanews and have a great bidet! 

Halalco Introduces Prayer Crossing Gate

In response to a spike in prayer related accidents and sujood lane violations, Halalco revealed a first-of-its-kind Prayer Crossing gate.

In response to a spike in prayer related accidents and sujood lane violations, Halalco revealed a first-of-its-kind Prayer Crossing gate.

According to the Salat Safety Council (SSC), when used properly the gates are expected to dramatically reduce trips and collisions. In addition, the number of “death-by-prayer-clothesline” is expected to dramatically fall.

Known for its innovation, Halalco has released several notable products such as its line of Halalcohol beverages (including ‘Tak Beer’), as well as the now recalled, industrial-grade, 15,000 psi muslim shower.

Follow @islamicanews – we’ll be there in a few, just held up at this prayer crossing.

Social Media Erupts After Little Mermaid Makes Appearance In Burqa

A theatrical trailer for The Little Mermaid triggered backlash after the movie’s main character, Ariel, appeared to be covered head to toe in what appeared to be a burqa.

A theatrical trailer for The Little Mermaid triggered backlash after the movie’s main character, Ariel, appeared to be covered head to toe in what appeared to be a burqa.

Some welcomed the more inclusive take on the amphibious Disney character, as it provides rare visibility for an otherwise marginalized community.

“We need to be seen,” said Hasan Tulaiba as he maneuvered his phone around to somehow look under the mermaid’s black cloth covering.

“What better way than a Muslim fishy thingy, covering up her… you know… mermaid boobies.”

Another scene from the preview showed a glimpse of a frustrated Sebastian struggling to untangle a beaded tasbeeh from his pinchers.

Follow @islamicanews – from under the sea to under shariah.

British Queen Colonizes Grave

British Queen Colonizes Grave
On Thursday the British Empire had announced it had just conquered a territory three and a half feet wide by eight feet long with about six feet of depth.

On Thursday the British Empire announced it had conquered a territory measuring three and a half feet wide, eight feet long, and six feet deep.

Follow Islamica News on instagram, and long live the king!

HALL OF FAME