Tuesday, January 26, 2021
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Bored Moon Sighting Committee Declares Eid For The Hell of It

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

Bored out of their minds, an area moon sighting committee decided to declare a random, never-heard-before Eid just for the hell of it.

The all male, veteran team of 6 struggled to find ways to be relevant, as the start of Ramadan was still over 6 months away.

“Our committee’s function is very specific,” explained 71 year old Abdul Malik as he played a game of bridge with the other men, robotically sipping on styrofoam cups of tea.

“We see the moon, we declare Eid. It’s what we do. It’s all we do.”

Through an audible yawn, Malik asked the team if they should just declare Eid tomorrow.

“I anticipated some push back, but the other guys just shrugged their shoulders and nodded without looking away from their playing cards.”

Malik resisted recent calls from the community to disband until necessary, and has indicated his group may declare several more Eids, now that they’ve set a precedent.

“It’s called job security baby.”

Follow @islamicanews but don’t follow these guys for Eid announcements.

Before Leaving Washington, Trump Turns Around And Shouts “Allah-U-Akbar!”

Seconds before Marine One lifted him away from White House grounds, Trump turned around and stunned observers as he shouted, “Allah-hu-Akbar!”

“It was bizarre,” described journalist Millie Andrews.

“He stopped for a second, turned around, and shouted the Muslim chant of ‘God is Great’ in arabic.”

Melania Trump could be seen donning a zebra striped burqa shortly thereafter.

Witness said they could hear ululations sound fade out into the sky.

Mysterious Toyota Camry Monolith Appears in Mosque Parking Lot, Blocks Traffic

A mysterious Toyota Camry monolith appeared in a mosque parking lot during Friday prayers, causing delays for worshippers.

Sugarland, TX – A mysterious Toyota Camry monolith appeared in a Houston area mosque parking lot during Friday prayers, blocking in other attendees as they tried to get back to work.Late arriving worshippers were bewildered as they ran past the 2010 Camry LE obelisk carelessly positioned between two giant “No Parking” signs.

Imam Khalid Mabuti of the Islamic Center of Sugarland made an announcement, urging the owner to immediately move the 11 ft tall geometric slab, or risk being towed.“If you are the owner of a silver Toyota Camry monolith with an ‘I Love Islam’ bumper sticker, please move it now as you’re preventing all of these IT workers from returning to their livelihoods.

”The Imam’s announcement prompted all 500 worshippers to run out and check if the monolith was theirs.“With a description like that, everyone assumed it was their own,” said mosque attendee Kareem Abdullah as he waited in a standstill queue of 100 other Camrys.

“When it comes to vehicle selection, I guess you could say the Muslim community IS a monolith.”

By late afternoon, the hashtag #JUMANOLITH started to trend on Twitter.

Follow @islamicanews, and remember to follow monolith parking etiquette at your area mosques!

Indian Man With Paan-Stained Mouth, Scary Teeth, Wearing A Sherwani Explains To Neighborhood Kids He’s Not Count Dracula

Syed Hussain spent a big part of Halloween trying to convince kids from his neighborhood that he wasn't supposed to be Count Dracula, even though his sherwani and paan-stained mouth suggested otherwise.

A suburban Indian-American man spent 10 minutes at his door trying to explain to neighborhood trick-or-treaters that he isn’t Count Dracula. 39 year old Syed Hussain opened the door to children wearing a sherwani, (a formal longcoat commonly worn in parts of India), chewing paan, as red syrup oozed from the sides of his mouth.

“Are you Dracula?” inquired a little girl in a princess costume, as she waited for Hussain to fill her bag with candy.

“What? No. I’m not the Dracula.” responded Hussain in a heavy Indian accent, visibly offended by the monstrous association.

“I am wearing the sherwani for family wedding and chewing the paan… you know the paan?”

Hussain then reached in his bowl and distributed one pack of Shahi Deluxe to each child.

“This is supari. It is like a Indian jawbreaker. Highly addictive. You will like.”

“Is that why your teeth are like that?” asked another kid.

“Like what?” replied a confused Hussain.

Follow @islamicanews on Instagram for more frightful updates.

Provocative French Cartoonist Disappointed His Drawing of Prophet Muhammad Resulted in Only One Beheading

Provocative French cartoonist, Jacques Moulin, was disappointed after discovering that his drawing of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) resulted in only one beheading.

The following is an opinion piece by French cartoonist and provocateur Jacques Moulin, and does not represent the viewpoints of Islamica News.

Bonjour! It is moi, your favorite Frenchman and rabble rouser, Jacques Moulin. This week I tried to piss off my breakfast croissant because it was slightly burned, and I was like “you look like refugee croissant, you probably hate our freedoms. Go back to ISIS Boulangerie! I draw cartoon of you now and make you angry and then get everyone to feel sorry for me when you lash out… Blah!”

Anyways, I… how you say… digress. Oui?

Maybe you saw it in daily paper, but I drew a picture of the Prophet Muhammad, and quite frankly, I’m disappointed with the response it got. One measly, half-assed beheading. This is unacceptablah!

As France’s top provocateur this side of the Seine, this is total embarrassment. I put a lot of extra work into that piece… even added some extra, extra mockery. Did they not see it? Did they not appreciate my attempts at eliciting an emotionally charged outrage?!? I MEAN THERE’S 1.8 BILLION OF THEM… YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE A MUCH MUCH BIGGER REACTION. Not even .00000001% of them did anything? Nothing. This is bull crepe.

And now i’m miserablah.

Look the only way I can get sympathies is if they do something. But it seems I can’t even get many of them to react. Maybe i’m losing my touch?

No i must push on! Vive la provocateur!

Can i get a “Je suis Jacques Moulin?”

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