Monday, July 6, 2020
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“You’re All Going To Hell!” Yells Drunk Uncle At Iftar Drinking Straight From Rooh Afza Bottle

Irfan Siddiqui went on a drunk tirade against family and friends at a family Iftar after consuming too much Rooh Afza.

Things got pretty heated at the Siddiqui household iftar dinner when Uncle Irfan went off on a drunk tirade after consuming too much Rooh Afza.

“You’re all going to hell with your opening-fast-one-minute-early shenanigans!” slurred the 39 year old day trader as he guzzled the red sugary syrup straight from the bottle.

Siddiqui struggled to keep his mouth moving as the thick, sticky concentrate began to seal his lips together and dribble down his rose-stained chin.

“Kids, when I was your age, I had to walk 50 miles in the snow to do wudu! *hiccup* And by the time I’d get back, it would be bro- bro- broken.”

Uncle Irfan then began to sob uncontrollably before passing out in a pool of his red vomit with a blood sugar level of 400.

Follow @islamicanews for the latest, and please don’t Rooh Afza and drive!

Update: Heaven Definitely Not Under Dad’s Feet

A recent study concludes that heaven is definitely not under dad's feet.

Religious scholars, scientific researchers and household kids all concluded that heaven is not under, over or anywhere near the situation known as dad’s feet.

Curious minds in the community commissioned the study in order to answer the question : ‘If heaven lies under the feet of the mother, what then lies under the feet of the father?’

“A lot of hair and funk,” said seven year old son and research team lead Faraz Hussain.

“My dad has smelly carpet feet, and my mom has to run a vacuum cleaner on them.”

Follow @islamicanews as we continue to cover hairy situations. 

Pakistani Father Ends Shelter-in-Place Lockdown For Sons, Not For Daughter

Pakistani father Khalid Riaz masterfully imposed double standards between his sons and daughter this week.

Area Pakistani father, Khalid Riaz, declared the end to a shelter-in-place order for his sons, but has extended it indefinitely for his college-age daughter.

“Today I announce the lifting of the stay at home order for certain segments of my household, and extending it for daddy’s precious gem,” announced Riaz this morning at the family kitchen table.

“Sorry beta, you will be emancipated by marrying a nice, educated boy who probably just had his shelter-in-place order lifted as well.”

Daughter Fatima Riaz claims her lockdown began well before the pandemic.

Follow @islamicanews for more double standard coverage.

Department of Justice Drops Criminal Charges Against Michael Flynn After It Suspects He Killed A Black Man

On Thursday, DOJ dropped all criminal charges on Michael Flynn (right).

The Department of Justice announced that it is dropping all criminal charges against Michael Flynn after it suspected that he may have killed a black man.

In spite of damning evidence and lying to the the FBI, and a guilty plead, prosecutors felt that Flynn may have murdered a black man at some point in his life, and therefore redeemed himself completely.

Follow @islamicanews for the latest updates and other racial injustices in real time.

Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

Study Finds 98% of Disputes in Muslim Households Are Over Prayer Timetable

A recent study reveals that 98% of domestic disputes in Muslim households are caused by prayer timetables affixed to the refrigerator door.

Family counselors typically find a spike in cases around Ramadan, as the precise point to open the fast becomes a hot topic for many in the community.

“The mosque sponsored prayer schedules commonly found in Muslim kitchens serves as the flash point for heated disagreements and tension between members of the family,” says marriage counselor Aisha Khalil.

“Usually it’s the person that brings the timetable home that has to defend the method of calculations being used said schedule versus everyone else.”

Area husband and father Jamal Beydoun thinks the timetable in his kitchen is part of a greater conspiracy to send him to hell. “How do they expect me to believe that it’s sunset when my BROWN a** can go outside right now and get sunburned in 2 seconds?!?”

Make sure to pray on time and follow @islamicanews on Instagram for some scheduled comic relief.