In Other News
Your Uncle Wants Someone To Explain Rules of Football At The Most Tense Time...
St. Louis, MO - "Please explain me this game," asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl's tense fourth quarter. "I just don't understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?"
Patel's...
Cleveland Indians Replace ‘Chief Wahoo’ with ‘Call Center Raj’
Cleveland, OH - Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new 'Call Center Raj.'
"Major League Baseball is committed to building a culture of...
BREAKING: Roy Moore Fondles Latest Exit Poll
Birmingham, AL - On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.
According to sources, the fresh, young poll was approached by...
White Shooter Trying His Hardest To Be Labeled A Terrorist
Paducah, KY - John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; one...
Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game
Seattle, WA - On Sunday, 32 year old Harris Kasem took a break from watching football to express his disappointment at comments recently made by President Donald Trump regarding NFL players kneeling during the...
Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal
Schaumburg, IL - In response to mounting pressure from the community, mosque officials issued a press release about their socially awkward Imam, assuring members that he is scandal-free.
"After an exhaustive assessment of Imam Khalid...
NASCAR Vehicle Quietly Kneels During National Anthem
New Hampshire Raceway - Controversy erupted on Sunday, as Lyle Bennett's No. 19 Car kneeled during the national anthem at the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series.
The two year old, neon green striped stock car...
Hurricane Tours Destructive US President
Houston, TX – Hurricane Harvey got a first-hand glimpse of the destructive leader of the free world on Tuesday, surveying the erratic entity as it flew over Southeast Texas.
Clouds above and floodwaters below joined...
White House Announces “IFFTAR BASH 2017”
Washington, DC - On Saturday, members of the White House staff announced the 'Make America Great Again IFFTAR BASH 2017.' This event is meant to mark the start of Ramadan, the sacred month when...
Before Leaving Saudi, Bannon Sprays “Muzlims Go Home!” On Side of Mosque
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – On Sunday evening as the Trump delegation left Saudi Arabia for Israel, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon reportedly requested the convoy to abruptly pull over at a nearby mosque....
Sensitive to Local Customs, Trump Lands In Saudi Arabia Wearing a Burqa
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Kicking off a five country swing across the Middle East and Europe, President Donald Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia donning a burqa, an outer garment some Muslim women wear to...
South Asian Mother Brings Up Her ‘Heart/Blood Pressure’ Condition To Win Argument Against Kids
Downers Grove, IL – On Sunday, forty-something mother of two, Azeeza Khan, reminded her youngest daughter of blood pressure issues during a heated exchange about a trip to the movies.
"I asked her if I...
Haram Researchers Invent New Way of Sneaking Pork Into Food
CAMBRIDGE, MA - Speaking via webcast yesterday, scientists at the Haram and Very Makruh (HVM) Institute announced a breakthrough, allowing them to stealthily infuse pork-based molecules into virtually all forms of food.
"This is the...
