In Other News
President Trump Assures Iftar Guests: Dinner and Waterboarding Will Start After Sunset
Washington, DC – Wednesday evening, at an Iftar dinner hosted by the White House, President Trump and CIA Director Gina Haspel assured all guests that dinner and waterboarding would not start until after sunset....
New Speedy Gonzales Mosque Will Finish Taraweeh Tonight
Saudi Ariba, Mexico - In a fast-paced outcome, Masjid-ul-Speedy Gonzales announced its congregation will complete taraweeh tonight, twenty-three days earlier than scheduled. Taraweeh is an evening supplication typically performed during Ramadan and consists of...
Palestinians Keep Getting Dead Somehow
Israeli authorities are baffled as they investigate mass deaths in Jerusalem following recent Palestinian protests. The death toll is somehow rising despite Israel doing nothing harmful whatsoever and just minding it's own beeswax. They...
NRA Cash Falls From Sky During Paul Ryan’s Response To Mass Shooting
Washington, DC - NRA money fell from the sky during Thursday morning's live broadcast of the GOP response to the latest US mass shooting.
Swaths of cash could be seen falling over House Speaker Paul...
Man 88% Sure He Still Has His Wudu
Sterling, VA - As Saleem Mushtaq walked into the prayer hall at a DC area mosque Wednesday afternoon, he paused for a moment to recall if he still had his wudu from earlier in...
Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Manimals
Chicago, IL - On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of guarantee the...
Your Uncle Wants Someone To Explain Rules of Football At The Most Tense Time...
St. Louis, MO - "Please explain me this game," asks a 62-year-old Saleem Patel during the Super Bowl's tense fourth quarter. "I just don't understand how you score. Why are they always falling down?"
Patel's...
Cleveland Indians Replace ‘Chief Wahoo’ with ‘Call Center Raj’
Cleveland, OH - Amid criticism and protests, the Cleveland Indians announced they will replace the divisive Chief Wahoo mascot with the new 'Call Center Raj.'
"Major League Baseball is committed to building a culture of...
BREAKING: Roy Moore Fondles Latest Exit Poll
Birmingham, AL - On Tuesday, U.S. Senate candidate Roy Moore allegedly fondled an exit poll minutes after exiting a voting station just out of Birmingham.
According to sources, the fresh, young poll was approached by...
White Shooter Trying His Hardest To Be Labeled A Terrorist
Paducah, KY - John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; one...
Man Offended By Trump’s NFL ‘SOB’ Comment, Curses at Losing Team During Game
Seattle, WA - On Sunday, 32 year old Harris Kasem took a break from watching football to express his disappointment at comments recently made by President Donald Trump regarding NFL players kneeling during the...
Area Mosque Confirms Less-Than-Charismatic Imam Free From Scandal
Schaumburg, IL - In response to mounting pressure from the community, mosque officials issued a press release about their socially awkward Imam, assuring members that he is scandal-free.
"After an exhaustive assessment of Imam Khalid...
NASCAR Vehicle Quietly Kneels During National Anthem
New Hampshire Raceway - Controversy erupted on Sunday, as Lyle Bennett's No. 19 Car kneeled during the national anthem at the Monster Energy NASCAR Cup Series.
The two year old, neon green striped stock car...
