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Interview: Blind Imam Reappoints Self as Moon Sighting Committee Chair: Community worries Ramadan will last forever

By
Islamica News
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Last year Imam Hammoudi refused to declare the start of Ramadan, even though there was a full moon right behind him.

Utica, IL – The Islamic Community of Utica’s Imam has reappointed himself as leader and chairperson of this year’s Ramadan moon sighting committee. Imam Jameel Hammoudi, who was also committee chair last year, stirred up a fair share of controversy with his decisions on both the start and end dates of Ramadan. The Imam, who has been blind for his entire life, adheres to the visual confirmation method for determining the start of the Islamic months. Unlike the Gregorian calendar, the Islamic calendar correlates to the lunar phases of the moon. The Imam asserts that his method follows historic tradition and rejects any suggestion to follow pre-determined phases of the moon that are based on astronomical calculations.

However, both members of his own community and outside observers remain perplexed by his self-proclaimed position and confidence with his decisions. Last year, the Imam did not declare the start of Ramadan until 17 days after the rest of the Muslim world, and subsequently declared Eid-ul-Fitr (the end of Ramadan) at the end of November, citing that he could not confirm any credible moon sighting report. Members of his community endured a Ramadan that lasted three and a half months.

Islamica News interviewed the Imam a week before the start of this year’s Ramadan. The following is the transcript of that conversation:

IN: Thank you for your taking the time for an interview. We know it’s a busy time of year for you being so close to the start of the holy month.

Imam: Start of holy month? Who said this? Not even close, no.

IN: Imam, your position is stirring up a lot of controversy in the community, around a subject that is already shrouded in so much controversy. People think it’s quite a paradox that you’re leading a committee in charge of moon sighting given that you’re –

Imam: [Cutting off] Given that I’m an interpretive dance instructor? I’ve had a passion for interpretive dance ever since birth. That’s the card I was dealt. However, I don’t let that interfere with the primary responsibilities to my community. People can talk all they want, it’s a male only class.

IN: We were going to say, given your condition…

Imam: Rumors. Those boys were all 18. There is not a label for this.

IN: Your community members are confused and some are even critical of your decisions around the sighting of the moon. Last year you were asked why you hadn’t declared Ramadan yet, even though it was fifteen days in and there was a full moon right behind you at the time you were questioned about it.

Imam: SHI’AH RIGHT – And I’m the pope… WMDs in Iraq my *expletive*. Where was the evidence of this moon?

IN: There’s a picture of you and the moon from last year’s press conference.

Imam: I hear there is a store you can go to that makes fake pictures. I think it’s called a photoshop.

IN: The picture was authentic. Even if one were to assume that your starting date was accurate, by your logic, Ramadan lasted 119 days. Ramadan can only last a maximum of 30 days. How can you defend this decision?

Imam: I still haven’t seen any evidence of a moon sighting. The tradition is that if you see the moon with your naked eye, stop fasting. I didn’t see it.

IN: See it with your naked eye? Imam, you’re blind. How can you justify your decisions, let alone your position?

Imam: What?!? I’m blind?!? Well thank you Captain Obvious! You don’t think I’m reminded of that every morning when I wake up and walk over to my eye chart?

IN: We apologize for any disrespect Imam. Skipping the irony of the eye chart in your room, a big part of the controversy that surrounds you is that you’re just not qualified for the position you’ve appointed yourself to. How do you defend this?

Imam: Does it really make any one more qualified because that person can see, or have access to fancy telescopic machinery? Even without me, is there still not controversy?

IN: Ummm –

Imam:[Cutting off] – Back when I was a small child there was a show called a Romper Room, where a woman, who clearly exhibited western values, would look into the camera and read off names of kids she could see in ‘televisionland.’ Did she ever once say she could see Jameel? Hell no!

IN: To be fair, she didn’t really see any of those kids.

Imam: Exactly my point! Everyone’s full of crap!

IN: So that’s your defense? Romper Room?

Imam: Romper, bomper, stomper boo.

IN: Imam, we’d like to thank you for your time with Islamica News.

Imam:Islamica News? You’re not Peter Jennings. This is not ABC?

IN: Peter Jennings died nine years ago.

Imam: Get out of my house.

Terrorists Claim Responsibility for Messy Apartment: Things Got Out of Hand, Explain Apologetic Jihadists

By
Islamica News
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Neighbors described the night's events as the "party of the century" despite the stench afterwards.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Earlier today during a routine inspection, an area landlord was terrified to discover one of his tenant residences in shambles.

“It looks like a bomb went off in here. There’s garbage and hookahs everywhere,” explained the building manager. “We have a strict no-smoking policy which they’ve obviously ignored.”

Neighbors described the previous night’s events as “burly bearded dudes gone wild” and animal control crews were called onto the scene after a baby camel was discovered asleep in the bathtub.

The tenants, a previously-unknown terrorist group known as “La-la-la-khhh,” was quick to claim responsibility for the mess via their Twitter account.

“We messed up,” tweeted @Lalalakhhh. “The party was totally radical, as planned, but things escalated way too quickly.”

National security experts believe the group was planning a suicide operation and perhaps enjoying their last night alive.

“One of our car bombers showed up with a bag of opiates, things turned sideways and I think we all blacked out,” noted @Lalalakhhh. “We woke up covered in the stench of sheesha and camel urine. This is rock bottom.”

“We keep screwing things up,” noted the reflecting, depressed faction.

The self-deprecating group went on to explain that things haven’t been going “very well” for them, noting many members are alienated from friends and family and question whether or not they’re “terrorist material.”

@Lalalakhhh tweeted “We never meant to hurt anybody” but quickly backtracked, clarifying they meant to kill infidels, however openly questioned how they could tell whether or not people were actually infidels.

“In the end, we obviously have to do some soul-searching. This is shameful, even by our standards,” noted the remorseful group. “We’ve got to get our lives back together, so we’re checking into rehab and will probably bomb the clinic afterwards.”

Later tweets mentioned their explosives specialist is still missing and requested anyone with clues of his whereabouts to contact them.

Woman Honored by Attempts to Kill Her: Village Elders Keep Trying Despite Numerous Failures

By
Islamica News
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Akhtar repeatedly expressed gratitude at the attempts to bring honor to her family and village.

BALOCHISTAN, PAKISTAN – Speaking before a small crowd in the village square, Rubina Akhtar expressed her gratitude over multiple recent attempts at murdering her to preserve the dignity and honor of her family and community.

The 25-year-old rape victim was viciously attacked three weeks ago and her assailants remain at large. Rather than focusing on apprehending the perpetrators, tribal elders elected to stone two witnesses to death and are currently focusing their efforts on honor killing Akhtar.

“Words can’t express my profound gratitude over the numerous attempts at ending my life,” stated Akhtar. “I agree we shouldn’t inconvenience the teenagers who brutally raped me. I obviously did something wrong to bring out their natural urges to rape women, children and occasionally other men.”

Despite four attempts at honor killing Akhtar, villagers have thus far been unsuccessful.

Village leader Wali Kayoti, known for his dramatic flair, insisted on making an example of Akhtar and many have criticized his elaborate attempts for being too “over the top” and ineffective.

Kayoti initially instructed a band of toddlers to bludgeon her with broken glass bottles, but that only resulted in minor injures. An attempt to tie Akhtar to a pole and blow her up with dynamite resulted in the death of the village explosives expert due to premature detonation.

“I feel bad for him,” commented Akhtar. “He will hopefully be a shaheed for his efforts.”

An attempted acid attack was abandoned as villagers lacked a basic understanding of chemistry. The most recent attempt, launching Akhtar into outer space on a rocket, was also abandoned due to similar lack of scientific knowledge.

“My village is unfortunately full of many idiots,” explained Akhtar. “Thankfully, they’re very persistent so someone will hopefully put me out of my misery soon. A girl can only endure so much honor.”

At press time, Kayoti was instructing villagers to build a 7-foot tall lota to attempt drowning Akhtar.

Fat Muslims Dread Coming Ramadan: Obese Scramble to Find Excuses

By
Islamica News
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Fat Muslims are worried their taste buds might not survive prolonged fasting as required by their faith.

MILWAUKEE, WI – Overweight Muslims everywhere are collectively dreading the start of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month that includes obligatory fasting from sunrise to sunset. Many lament giving up their habits of constant snacking and excessive consumption of sugary beverages.

“Why can’t we be more like Catholics? They give up sitcoms for lent,” questioned one large, bearded man. “I need my food. And drink. And seconds. And maybe another refill.”

Since the weak and ill are excused from fasting, many rotund Muslims have resorted to arbitrarily self-diagnosing themselves with “low blood sugar.”

“It’s the ideal loophole,” noted a longtime user of this excuse. “I don’t even know what blood sugar is, but it sounds delicious.”

Advances in technology, however, have enabled many to use Google search and realize a diagnosis of “low glucose” requires evaluation by qualified medical professionals.

This has forced many fat Muslims to get more creative with their excuses.

“I need to eat. I think I might be pregnant,” mentioned a visibly strained Muslim woman. Despite having the appearance of being eight months pregnant, her husband claimed she uses this excuse every year.

And there’s Sufwan Elahi who claims he’s “still too young” to fast, despite being 24 years old.

“Xbox, pause. I need my [Mountain] Dew and jerky,” explained Elahi while gaming furiously in his basement. “Titanfall isn’t the same without it. Xbox, help!”

Perhaps the most creative excuse, however, belongs 49-Year old Milwaukee native Mudassir Ben Aissa. He regularly converts to Buddhism one week prior to the start of Ramadan and reconverts back to Islam upon the moon sighting declaring the end of Ramadan.

“I’m rolling the dice, so I’m hoping I don’t get hit by a bus during that window of time,” stated Ben Aissa. “But it’s an acceptable risk knowing that I can keep eating Big Macs.”

Miami Muslims Leave Friday Prayers Early: Many Leave After Khutba Leading to Questions of Faith, Loyalty

By
Islamica News
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Many early deserters were frustrated by the parking lot conditions.

MIAMI, FL – In a move that shocked many of the mosque administration and longtime congregants, several worshippers at the American Airlines Mosque in downtown Miami left Friday prayer services early, immediately following the speech.

“I wasn’t really feeling the speech,” stated one man as he dashed to get his sandals. “He wasn’t addressing the topics I hoped and frankly, I was expecting it to be a lot more motivating and up-tempo. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.”

Some worshippers could be heard booing the sermon.

“The parking lot is a joke so I wanted to get out before everyone else, but some [expletive] double parked behind me. What the [expletive]?” questioned another early departer.

The actions of this minor, vocal group has many longtime congregants concerned.

“They started showing up here when we hired the new imam,” stated one worshipper. “Obviously, Imam Faisal has a certain star quality and he brought in a few other knowledgeable people who have amassed quite a following.”

According to critics the insurgence of new followers, however, are all fair-weather worshippers and often don’t attend without significant incentive.

“If it’s not Eid or they’re not feeling like they’re down 3-1 in the NBA Finals, they’re probably not showing up,” stated a frustrated eyewitness. “It’s especially annoying they all wear Heat jerseys to prayer, too.”
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