Monday, November 25, 2024
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Israel Relieved World Finally Looking Other Way: State Enjoying Apartheid, Killings Without Media Scrutiny

Netanyahu stated he looks forward to "killing a few dozen Arabs" without intense scrutiny from the media.

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL – At a recent weekend retreat, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu expressed relief the world is finally “over it” regarding continued human rights violations and marginalization of minorities in their region.

He cited the “casual media mention” of a recent discrimination incident against Ethiopian Jews as evidence Israel can continue “business as usual.”

“So what if we don’t let a few kushim [Ed: Israeli racist term for black people] rent property? It’s not like we were bombing hospitals,” he commented, before being cut off and corrected by his press secretary.

“Anyway for a while there, you couldn’t shoot a few kids on the beach without the press going insane about it,” noted Netanyahu. “Come on, we’ve killed over 1,500 Palestinian children since 2000.”

Netanyahu stated Israeli officials endured much hardship during their most recent Gaza assault, noting “[Israeli Spokesman Mark] Regev was bummed about all the hurtful things in social media.”

“We put Regev in a tough spot, not gonna lie,” stated Netanyahu. “It’s hard to keep a straight face and tell CNN we’re not intentionally targeting civilians. He totally ad-libbed the ‘roof knock’ thing and I give him props for not busting out laughing on live television while explaining it.”

Crippling blockades have also been largely ignored by the mainstream press. Canned goods, building materials, soccer balls, crayons and wheelchairs are some of many expressly-forbidden items leading to dire conditions.

“[Israeli Senior Advisor Ron] Dermer said we should ban crayons for the hell of it,” added Netanyahu while laughing hysterically. “Crayons? Ron is such an evil bastard but I love him.”

Netanyahu declared Israel looks forward to continued killings, annexation and bulldozing “whenever we feel like it,” adding the Israeli military is poised for an overly-aggressive response the moment any Palestinian “throws a rock or something.”

Chicago Muslims Divided on When to Mourn End of Rose’s Season: Disagreement Over When to Declare Annual "Eid-ul-ACL" Day of Mourning

Disagreement over when to mourn the injury has divided the Chicago Muslim community.

CHICAGO, IL – The annual season-ending injury of Chicago Bulls Star Derrick Rose’s season has deepened rifts within the Chicago Muslim community. Reports of Rose’s torn meniscus spread quickly online and fans immediately took to social media voicing their thoughts and concerns.

“I can’t believe it. Another season lost,” tweeted DePaul MSA President Jamal Ebrahim. “We’ll be mourning tomorrow.”

Not everyone, however, is in agreement that tomorrow should be the official “Eid ul-ACL” for Chicago Muslims.

“With the advent of new technologies, information can spread quickly but we mustn’t forget tradition,” stated Chicago Hilal Committee Spokesman Amjed Hashmi. “Authentically determining the date of Eid ul-ACL requires awaiting the official Chicago Bulls press conference and verification with three credible witnesses of the injury. ”

Hashmi also noted the severity of Rose’s injury is unknown and he may yet return this season. Others aren’t so optimistic and frustrated with the lack of agreement on when to mourn the Bulls stars’ yearly injury.

“This is crap man, come on. Not debatable. The man’s scheduled for surgery,” stated longtime Bulls fan and CAIR-Chicago Executive Director Ahmed Rehab. “And who put the moon the sighting guys in charge of this?”

With the widening chasm in their community, many Chicago Muslims expressed sadness regarding this growing disparity.

“I’m sad because we’re mourning Rose’s season-ending injury today but our neighbors are going to wait until tomorrow,” stated 7-Year-Old Jibraeel Ahmed. “This has been going on for nearly half my life. I hope to see the day where we can all mourn Rose’s ACL tear on the same day.”

Breaking: Muslim Latecomers Struggling to Find Qibla on Red Carpet: Worried They Might Miss Maghrib Prayer

The nominees were confused, angry and quite late.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – According to scattered reports, a group of tardy Muslim Oscar nominees just arrived at the Dolby Theater. They’re gathered in an empty area on the red carpet and struggling to find the correct direction in which to pray the traditional Maghrib sunset prayer.

The three erupted into a heated debate and one lost wudu during the scuffle. He was spotted seeking dirt to make tayammum.

The trio was nominated for a technical award, which they lost during an unaired pre-show event, and are unaware they’re not invited to the primetime event.

Campbell’s Announces New Haram Line of Soups: Latest in Unsettling "Islamophobic Products" Trend

Many Muslims were critical of the blatant, "super-haram" approach taken by the soup enterprise.

CAMDEN, NJ – Looking to capitalize on growing anti-Muslim sentiment across the US, Campbell’s Soup unveiled its new “Haram” line of soups. The soups feature ingredients forbidden and offensive to Muslims including “Beer-n-Cheese with Beef & Bacon”, “Lard-n-Gelatin with Diglycerides” and “Pork-n-Rennet with Adultery.”

“We recognize consumers are struggling to put quality food on the table while simultaneously expressing their hatred of Islamic culture and the Muslim faith,” stated Campbell’s Spokesman Donathan McCrab. “Our new soups are low in both sodium and tolerance.”

As expected, reactions are mixed.

“I don’t like soup but I hate those Obama-loving savages enough to buy a few cans for my fallout shelter,” stated one man. “Shariah law’s a’comin!”

The Muslim Consumer Group (MCG) issued a joint press release with the Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) stating, “We’re disappointed at the continued anti-Muslim trend in our nation. Muslims have a long history of contribution to American culture and we’ll continue our work to promote peace and tolerance. Also, we’re unsure how ‘adultery’ was canned by Campbell’s but we have an active FDA inquiry and advise everyone to avoid that particular soup.”

Campbell’s “Haram” soup line is the latest in a growing “Islamophobic products” trend, including Milton-Bradley’s “Shirkopoly” board game, Fruit of the Loom’s “Silk and Gold” mens boxers, and Crayola’s “Draw Mohammad” crayons.

Nearly Half of Islamophobes Are Devout Muslims Practicing ‘Taqiyya’

Members of the anti-Islam group Americans Against Shariah Law estimate up to half of their members are devout Muslims practicing taqiyya.

Garland, TX – In the mid-afternoon Texas sun, a blonde haired, blue eyed male with deep anger lurking in his face, holds up a tired “Muslims GO HOME!” sign, exposing the defiant eagle and confederate flag tattooed on his round, expanding belly.

Reads like the description of a cookie-cutter Islamophobe in action, right? Wrong.

Meet Mark “Ibrahim” Williams, a devout Muslim disguised as an anti-Islam activist from Fort Worth, TX. Williams, who converted to Islam five years ago, has perfected the art of Taqiyya, a form of deception to conceal one’s identity or intentions.

And he’s not the only one.

Members from the southern-based ‘Americans Against Shariah Law’ (AASL) have estimated that “stealth jihadists” make up nearly half of their organization. Their profiles are practically indiscernible, as all are US born, white, registered gun owners that hate Obama (at least on the surface). Ironically, they are the most “committed” to the cause, and their passion is evident in their strong voices protesting the Islamization of America.

In video footage that emerged online from a recent protest in Garland, Texas, Williams can be heard clamoring vitriolic, anti-Muslim slogans for 45 consecutive minutes. He was then seen suspiciously leaving the rally during sunset, a time that coincides with the fourth prayer of the day for Muslims.

“I’m so pissed right now!” said Doug Adams, a native Texan who recently joined the AASL. “Who the hell do we trust? This is like a f****d-up ending of Scooby Doo, but how the hell do we pull off the masks?”

The situation has left right-wing conservatives in a dilemma, as they turn on each other to root out the ‘cancer’ that has infiltrated their ranks.

“I’m sitting there watching Michelle Bachmann on the TV, and I’m thinking to myself, she is so a Muslim doing taqiyya.” said AASL Executive Director, Mary Gold.

To add to the confusion, some pseudo-members have started to add layers to their complex-schemed taqiyya. One individual is suspected of being a Muslim convert, cloaked as a lesbian, who then pretends to be a born-again Christian from India, ultimately identifying himself as the governor of Louisiana.

“A taqiyya within a taqiyya… within a taqiyya?” asks a hopelessly bewildered Doug Adams. “It’s like a twisted taqiyya version of Inception.”

Shortly thereafter Adams was unavailable for comment, as his head had exploded.

Members of the AASL and other anti-Islamic groups will continue their vigilance and remain suspicious of each other.

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