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Your Muslim/Jewish/Humanitarian Friend on Facebook Warns of Continued Conflict Posts in Your Newsfeed: Groups may consider a momentary halt to posting before resuming outrage for yet another week

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Islamica News
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Your Muslim/Jewish/Humanitarian friend on Facebook vows to continue sharing and liking conflict related articles through the end of the week.

Facebook, CA – Failing to see any resolution in the Middle East conflict, your Muslim, Jewish, and Humanitarian friends (and any derivative thereof) on Facebook warn of the continued sharing and liking of any news story or content pertaining to the escalating crisis. The three demographic groups continued their bombardment of videos, articles and politically driven memes in an effort to raise your awareness on a topic you may or may not know enough about. Even if you know enough about it, the groups admit that you may not share their perspective, and are therefore complicit in general ignorance.

Thirty-two-year-old Sean Muller complains that for the past two weeks his newsfeed on Twitter and Facebook is full of content that’s either for or against the siege on Gaza.

“Man you make friends with one slightly brown or off-white person and BAM your newsfeed gets clogged with every overseas cause. Al-Jazeera all up in my face, 24/7,” says Muller, an online technology manager from the Chicago area. “This is deliberate!”

Many individuals outside of the three demographics claim that they’re caught in the content cross-fire, and desperately call on Facebook admins to intervene.

U.S. Resident and Israeli supporter, Irene Berkowitz warns of an extended campaign of sharing and liking pictures of soldiers from the Israel Defense Force as well as making sure she reiterates that she “Stands with Israel.” Asked if she felt that her consistent likes and shares are disrupting life for her social friends, she claims her method of ‘post-knocking’ is moral.

“Before I post or like, I warn my Facebook friends that I’m going to post, and that they have 30 seconds to ‘see less’ from me or unfriend me altogether,” says Berkowitz as she attempts to type “ISRAEL HAS A RIGHT TO DEFEND ITSELF” in caps lock. “No other Facebook user in the world warns their friends the way I do.”

Muller, who is Berkowitz friend and is apathetic to the current crisis complains that Berkowitz’s warnings are unrealistic.

“How is anyone supposed to unfriend in less than 30 seconds?!? What if I’m not by my computer or I’m in a meeting?!?”

Abdullah Hasan has also continued his campaign of sharing, and represents the other side of the conflict.

“Israel is the real terrorist here! Read this article about ‘Debunking 11 Israeli Myths,’ says the 42-year-old Palestinian American. “I know it’s been shared 8,000 times before, but maybe you didn’t see it the first time.”

Naomi Wolf and Jewish Voice for Peace have also declared that they will continue their sharing operations until the mission is complete.

Now with a cease fire in place that is as fragile as the sentiments of those that push its awareness, observers worry about the short and long-terms repercussions amongst social media circles.

CNN Poll: Majority of Americans Side with Israel, Results: 10% With Gaza, 90% Horse Shit: Poll conducted using 'Pull Numbers Out of Ass' method

By
Islamica News
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CNN's latest poll employs the 'Pull out of Ass' method, which has been popular for many news outlets covering the conflict.

Atlanta, GA – CNN released a latest poll that shows that the majority of Americans side with Israel. Per the CNN audience breakout, 10% empathize with Gaza, while the remaining 90% stand with Israel, or in technical terms “Horse shit.”

The team that conducted the poll used a method called ‘Pull Numbers Out of Ass,’ which has long been popular amongst news outlets in North America.

The method consist of pulling the biggest number a human can pull out of their anal orifice that supports Israel’s stance that “Israel has the right to defend itself.”

A survey spokesperson said that the poll confirms the wide belief that most Americans aren’t concerned with facts when it comes to this conflict, trumping any common sense or overwhelming evidence of human rights violation.

The poll also showed that most Americans had an unfavorable view of a man named Mr. Gaza.

Opinion: Brother Mujahid: Based on Your Son’s Foursquare Check-ins, He hasn’t been Fasting: Shaikh Khalid Mabuti's Editorial

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Islamica News
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Exhibit A - Burger King. For a guy who is fasting, this is a pretty crappy place to hang out.

mabuti
 The following is an editorial written by Shaikh Khalid Mabuti whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. @shaikhmabuti

Brother Mujahid, I wanted to break this to you earlier, but it’s not like you come to the Masjid any more. So I decided to write an Op-Ed and publish it on… well whatever this site is.

Your son Yousef isn’t fasting. Now you’ll probably get all offended and defensive and all that – JUST SHUTUP AND YOU LISTEN TO ME! You go around and tell all the people of the community that he is, but I follow him on Foursquare, and he isn’t. I noticed last week he began the day checking into Burger King. I told myself ‘Well maybe he’s looking for a job, and picking up an application…’ But then he tweeted, “BURRRRP! Hash browns hit the spizot! #yum”

I clicked back and forth between Foursquare and Twitter at least five times, no caching issues, no mistaken profiles, 100% Yousef! If that wasn’t bad enough, he then checks into a place called, ‘Bambi’s All Girls Revue.’ Let’s just say he wasn’t there for their all you can eat shrimp special, but wait a minute, maybe he was, because HE WASN’T FASTING.’ Any way if the egg and cheese biscuit didn’t break his fast, i’m sure the lap dances did. BTW – I don’t want him near my wudu areas until that boy’s been hosed down.

If it’s any consolation, I was sure that boy was gay, so… congratulations.

On top of that, you tell every one that he’s almost done memorizing the Quran… BOLOGNA!!!! (<--- HALAL). Two weeks ago, I had him lead the prayers at the masjid, just to see how much this stoner actually memorized. He could barely recite Surah Fatiha! Then he recited something I couldn't understand. It started out like Surah Ikhlas, but then he started saying the 'Pledge of Allegiance'.... I think he even said Hallelujah a few times! Then during Sunnah, I looked down at this toe nails. They were so long, they almost took my eyes out during sujood. Don't you teach him anything about hygiene?!? Does he even know he has to trim the hairs in the crotches. If it's anything like his toe nails, I'm sure it's like the Amazon down there. More like 'Shave the Rainforest' if you know what I mean. Anyhow, I hope this doesn't make things awkward if/when I see you at Eid... but please raise your kids right and slap them a few times, or I'll have to call out your bs in another column. That's all. Oh wait, your daughter is dating a white dude who said he converted, but he ain't no converted. Mabuti out. @shaikhmabuti

Stuttering Hafiz Still Leading Taraweeh: Congregation continues on through morning of Eid-ul-Fitr

By
Islamica News
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The Northside Houston congregation is running behind in its Taraweeh schedule because of the stuttering Imam.

Houston, TX – A Northside mosque prayer hall turned into somewhat of a forced slumber party as Imam Hafiz Dawoood Thalath Mahmoood still led the Taraweeh congregation at Masjid Bilal well into the morning of Eid-ul-Fitr, the day after the end of Ramadan.

Mahmoood, who suffers from a lifelong and untreated speech impediment, is sluggishly reciting his way through the evening prayers. The speed of the Imam has become somewhat of a challenge for the 38 worshippers of the congregation.

As the Imam slurred and stuttered on every other arabic word, worshippers could be seen swaying from side to side, running in place, and doing push-ups during sajdah, desperately trying to prevent atrophy from setting in. Those standing at the end of the prayer rows could be seen leaning on walls. Some managed to fall asleep standing up with their heads tilted back, drooling and snoring.

Community members stumbled upon the dilemma when many came to the mosque to participate in the Eid prayers. Many were shocked to find that the congregation from the previous two evenings still had not disbanded.

“When I walked into the prayer hall, I saw the congregation had started, but turns out it was last night’s Taraweeh!” said a shocked Mohsin Malik as a button popped out of his tight sherwani (an Indian variant of a Tuxedo).

“We’re supposed to be finished with Surah Nas. We’re only on Surah Furqan! Send help!” said a worshipper who asked to remain anonymous. “I haven’t been home in two days. I’m pretty sure my Wudu broke a few times.”

As more and more families arrive to participate in the Eid prayers, community members are concerned about the resulting back log of traffic, and are trying to avert a potential disaster.

Imams and Hafizes from nearby mosques have been called in and are expected to be deployed later this evening.

Last Minute of Fast Extends Into Third Hour: Final minute "taking forever"

By
Islamica News
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Seven-year-old Musa Khan's last minute of fasting is taking "foreeeeever."

Seattle, WA – In what seems to be a lifetime, the last 60 seconds of fasting is “taking forever” for young Georgetown resident, Musa Khan. The ambitious seven-year-old committed himself to fast for the very first time despite discouragement from his parents who say he’s “too young.” He is determined to prove them wrong.

Ever since the last minute of his fast started, Khan has looked at the clock 27 times, waiting for the moment he can eat again. Per the second grader, that was “three hours ago.”

“All day he’s been staring at the chocolate cake I bought for him. It’s his reward,” says Musa’s mother, Huma Khan. “I honestly don’t think he’ll make it.”

Khan began drooling, babbling, and sucking on his t-shirt’s ringer.

At the time of this article, there were 25 seconds left in Khan’s fast — that’s 2 hours in “Musa time.”
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