Brother Mujahid, I wanted to break this to you earlier, but it’s not like you come to the Masjid any more. So I decided to write an Op-Ed and publish it on… well whatever this site is.
Your son Yousef isn’t fasting. Now you’ll probably get all offended and defensive and all that – JUST SHUTUP AND YOU LISTEN TO ME! You go around and tell all the people of the community that he is, but I follow him on Foursquare, and he isn’t. I noticed last week he began the day checking into Burger King. I told myself ‘Well maybe he’s looking for a job, and picking up an application…’ But then he tweeted, “BURRRRP! Hash browns hit the spizot! #yum”
I clicked back and forth between Foursquare and Twitter at least five times, no caching issues, no mistaken profiles, 100% Yousef! If that wasn’t bad enough, he then checks into a place called, ‘Bambi’s All Girls Revue.’ Let’s just say he wasn’t there for their all you can eat shrimp special, but wait a minute, maybe he was, because HE WASN’T FASTING.’ Any way if the egg and cheese biscuit didn’t break his fast, i’m sure the lap dances did. BTW – I don’t want him near my wudu areas until that boy’s been hosed down.
If it’s any consolation, I was sure that boy was gay, so… congratulations.
On top of that, you tell every one that he’s almost done memorizing the Quran… BOLOGNA!!!! (<--- HALAL). Two weeks ago, I had him lead the prayers at the masjid, just to see how much this stoner actually memorized. He could barely recite Surah Fatiha! Then he recited something I couldn't understand. It started out like Surah Ikhlas, but then he started saying the 'Pledge of Allegiance'.... I think he even said Hallelujah a few times! Then during Sunnah, I looked down at this toe nails. They were so long, they almost took my eyes out during sujood. Don't you teach him anything about hygiene?!? Does he even know he has to trim the hairs in the crotches. If it's anything like his toe nails, I'm sure it's like the Amazon down there. More like 'Shave the Rainforest' if you know what I mean. Anyhow, I hope this doesn't make things awkward if/when I see you at Eid... but please raise your kids right and slap them a few times, or I'll have to call out your bs in another column. That's all. Oh wait, your daughter is dating a white dude who said he converted, but he ain't no converted. Mabuti out. @shaikhmabuti