On Thursday the British Empire announced it had conquered a territory measuring three and a half feet wide, eight feet long, and six feet deep.
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British Queen Colonizes Grave
MBS Assumes His Place As Rightful Heir To British Throne
On Thursday, Prince Muhammad bin Salman of the Saudi royal family assumed his position as the King of England after the passing of Queen Elizabeth II earlier in the day.
MBS removed Charles, Prince of Wales, as the rightful heir to the throne, triggering controversy and confusion throughout the international community.
The U.S. State Department remained skeptical on the latest succession of power with the British Royal family, however bin Salman was quick to push back on American interference.
“We would remind our American friends to not meddle in Saudi royal affairs, as we do not meddle in theirs,” said bin Salman as he awkwardly maneuvered a jewel studded crown over his keffiyeh. He then quickly looked around, seemingly in search of something.
“A bone saw! A bone saw! My kingdom for a bone saw!”
By the evening the entire British Royal family was placed under palace arrest and charged with corruption.
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“Hey America, We killed some scary brown guy over there!”
“Hey America! We just killed another scary brown guy over there. He had one of them big, scary beards with a big black turban. His name was Abu Aba Bubbalicious Gum. Caught him hiding out in the mountains of Kazplakistan. Here watch this file footage of him walking somewhere with a machine gun strapped over his shoulder. I’ll just keep talking over this spooky visual while we loop it endlessly. Scary right? See how he’s talking to his fellow terrorists. What are they talking about? Probably plotting to kill you. But don’t worry, we got him. Collateral damage? A bruise to Al-Qaeda’s morale for sure. Innocent lives lost? I dunno, but here look at this downward arrow showing lower gas prices. Let’s bring in this video of a bald eagle flying around. America. Back to scary guy video. Look at his funny looking clothes. Where’s his ice cream cone? Would you trust anyone without an ice cream cone? I’d like to thank the brave, heroic and valiant efforts of the drone that made this happen. We’ll award it with our highest honor of opiates to treat its PTSD when it gets back. God bless America. Note: Use this script every two years to boost approval ratings. Woops! I wasn’t supposed to read that last part out aloud. Anyways, we now return you to Season 35 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
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Supreme Court Rules Imam Can Recite Entire Surah Baqara In First Rakah On High School Football Field
The Supreme Court of the United States dealt a 6-3 win for a Washington state Imam, allowing him to recite the longest chapter of the Quran in the first rakah during congregational prayer on a high school football field.
Critics say the court’s decision further erodes the nation’s separation of church and state, and many worshippers claim it erodes their ability to stand still in the congregation for an extended period of time.
“This has got to be the strangest version of the national anthem i’ve heard,” remarked one frustrated parent in the stand watching the game.
“When he recited that one thing about ‘Deaf, Dumb, and Blind,’ I wonder if he was talking about these terrible refs.”
The Imam then extended his arm out as a way to stop the band from marching in front of him, but inadvertently clotheslined the entire drumline.
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Muslim Man Forgets He’s Fasting, Accidentally Eats Entire Ham Sandwich
On Monday, 28 year old Ali Faruq forgot he was fasting and robotically devoured an entire ham and cheese sandwich positioned on a plate in front of him.
During the month of Ramadan, Muslims all over the world fast from sunrise to sunset. However, many experience transitional challenges as they adjust to a new routine.
“It was 3 PM, and I just watched him in horror as he swallowed an entire ham sandwich down his pie hole,” said friend Rashid Wallace.
“I tried to stop him, but it just all happened so fast… so much to unpack. Do I call out his fast-nesia? Do I throw myself in between him and the hell-ridden, swine sandwich?!? Like how did that sandwich get there? Did he make it? I just froze and let out this whimper of defeat.”
“Oh crap!” Faruq exclaimed after realizing what he’d done. He then let out a three second-long burp as mustard still oozed from the side of his mouth.
Other friends observed Faruq was the first person they met who had Ramadan breath AND ham breath on the same day.
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