“Hey America, We killed some scary brown guy over there!”

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On Monday, President Biden announced the USA had killed "some scary brown guy over there."

“Hey America! We just killed another scary brown guy over there. He had one of them big, scary beards with a big black turban. His name was Abu Aba Bubbalicious Gum. Caught him hiding out in the mountains of Kazplakistan. Here watch this file footage of him walking somewhere with a machine gun strapped over his shoulder. I’ll just keep talking over this spooky visual while we loop it endlessly. Scary right? See how he’s talking to his fellow terrorists. What are they talking about? Probably plotting to kill you. But don’t worry, we got him. Collateral damage? A bruise to Al-Qaeda’s morale for sure. Innocent lives lost? I dunno, but here look at this downward arrow showing lower gas prices. Let’s bring in this video of a bald eagle flying around. America. Back to scary guy video. Look at his funny looking clothes. Where’s his ice cream cone? Would you trust anyone without an ice cream cone? I’d like to thank the brave, heroic and valiant efforts of the drone that made this happen. We’ll award it with our highest honor of opiates to treat its PTSD when it gets back. God bless America. Note: Use this script every two years to boost approval ratings. Woops! I wasn’t supposed to read that last part out aloud. Anyways, we now return you to Season 35 of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

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