Sunday, November 24, 2024
Facebook Twitter
Home Blog Page 27

Microwave Clock Totally Messing with Fasting Man: Regrets Following it Religiously

By
Islamica News
-
The man claims it's been stuck at 8:30 for "at least the last half [expletive] hour."

MOBILE, AL – Late last evening, a local Muslim man held a press conference claiming his various timepieces and home appliances are “totally [expletive] messing with” him during the holy month of Ramadan.

“I’ve been following the clock religiously,” stated the man. “I stop eating the pre-dawn meal right on time, but when it’s time to break my fast I think something’s wrong.”

He explained despite numerous attempts to synchronize his microwave clock, it’s always “a few minutes off”. He also noted it often freezes for several minutes and “the damn thing” has, on at least one occasion, appeared to wind backward.

“See? We’ve been talking for like five minutes and the thing hasn’t changed at all! I see pink streaks in the sky. That’s gotta give the green light, right?”

The man named his oven clock and mobile phone as a co-conspirators in this “blatant deception of time” along with his wristwatch, wall clock and backyard sundial.

According to friends, the man has gained little from fasting beyond hunger and thirst.

ISIL Challenges Hamas to Dance-Off: "It's On in Ramadan!" Claim Militants

By
Islamica News
-
The bizarre 8-hour video has puzzled the international counterterrorism community.

Aleppo Province, Syria – Earlier today, ISIL militants released an 8-hour online video criticizing Hamas for their failures. In the video, a Che Guevara lookalike ranted for 15 minutes and challenged Hamas leaders to a dance-off to settle the matter.

“You knew this was coming. We finna drop a dope beat,” shouted the gunman, removing his turban and donning a backwards Yankees baseball cap. “You ready? It’s on like Ramadan! We gonna kick some Hamass!”

A “Teen Wolf” doppelgänger donned sunglasses, raised a boombox onto his shoulder and played some classic Run DMC tracks. The wolf man howled incessantly while the rest of the crew shook various limbs, showcasing their discombobulated dance skills.

“We’ve miscalculated their level of insanity and the overall threat,” stated a CIA spokesman. “They appear to lack basic hand-eye coordination and frankly, Obama dances better than them.”

After wiggling for approximately two hours on video the lead gunman, drenched in sweat, grew frustrated.

“Damn it, guys, we practiced this!” shouted the gunman, firing and killing a literally-dead ringer of Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. “Did I say to stop dancing, Akheel? And stop howling!”

In the final six hours of the video, the remaining three members danced until collapsing of apparent dehydration.

Perspective: You Muslim Kids In The US Have No Idea What It Was Like Here Forty Years Ago: A 70's Muslim immigrant reflects back on a life full of adversities

By
Islamica News
-
Shafique Mansoor immigrated to Lubbock, Texas from Pakistan to study Civil Engineering. As the only Muslim in a fifty-mile radius, Mansoor recalls a life of hardship.

The following is an editorial written by Shafique Mansoor whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News.

Hey guys, it’s me… the uncle who migrated to the United States from Pakistan back in the early seventies to pursue an education, and ultimately go back to my country but never did.

I just wanted to tell all of you Ramadan Mubarak, and I hope you’re having a great time tweeting pics of every damn crumb of food that enters your face-hole during sunset.

You know, you Muslim kids living in the North America have it so good nowadays. Back when I first migrated to this country, I was one of THREE Muslims living in a fifty-mile radius. And the other two weren’t real Muslims at all — one of them was a white guy who played the voice of Hadji from Jonny Quest. Oh, what an accent!

Today you have mosques EVERYWHERE — for shi’ahs, sunnis, sisters-only mosques, creepy brothers centers – AND YOU STILL COMPLAIN! What I wouldn’t give to have one good mosque to go to back then. The closest thing we had to a mosque was a condemned mobile home that we shared with a KKK grand wizard and a gaze of raccoons. Our Friday sermons consisted of some white supremacists telling us to go back to Nicaragua!

Technically they weren’t Islamophobes. No one knew what to hate because no one really knew what we were.

And we couldn’t afford a real Hafiz, so we paid some guy that kinda knew Surah Ikhlas. I remember that first Ramadan… he read Surah Ikhlas for ALL 20 TARAWEEH RAKAHS! We’d ask him questions on fiqh, and he’d just respond with ANOTHER recitation of Surah Ikhlas!

Wudu centers were a luxury. To do wudu, we had to report a fire so that the local fire department could come hose us down three times!

You kids have it so good with all your abundant sources of halal food. Do you think there were halal meat stores during our time?!? NOPE. We had to go into survival mode and resort to eating bacon. Delicious bacon every single morning with tears streaming down our cheeks. This was way before Google, so there was no way to research what pepperoni pizza really was. We’d scarf down ten slices at a time and wash it down with cold beers (no Google, remember?). Many years later, our version of a Halal Food Festival was a bag of kosher marshmallows sold from the back of some random dude’s van.

And holy crap! You have marriage apps now?!? You know how tough it was to find someone suitable to marry?!? We were forced to engage in the local nightlife  to find the closest thing to a Muslim female. Forget ‘people of the book.’ We had to settle for ‘people who heard of a book.’

But I must give it up to heavier white women. For decades they were Pakistani men’s guaranteed pathway to citizenship. God bless them. Even though that first marriage lasted all of 47 minutes. (BTW – If Debbie Auntie asks about me, tell her they threw my brown butt into Guantanamo Bay).

Anyways, you kids should be WAY more grateful than you are. Be thankful for the communities you have and the people you live with. If you think your life is full of challenges, just remember a younger, smellier version of me eid hugging myself to sleep every night.

 

 

RamaDo’s & RamaDon’ts: Helpful Tips to Stay on Task During the Holy Month

By
Islamica News
-

Ramadan is a time of immense blessings, but also brings some challenges.

Below is an assortment of pro tips to help maximize benefits during the holy month. If you have any you’d like to add, please drop a line to [email protected].

ramados-ramadonts1

ramados-ramadonts2

ramados-ramadonts3

ramados-ramadonts4

ramados-ramadonts5

ramados-ramadonts6
ramados-ramadonts7

Dozens Injured as Ramadan Breath Onslaught Continues: Many Fear Worst Is Yet to Come

By
Islamica News
-
Alarming emanations from Kamal's mouth are leading to a windfall of nausea, headaches and vomiting.

DEARBORN, MI – The community is reeling as local IT worker Mohsin Kamal continues his merciless assault on anyone within a 10 foot radius. Only days into fasting in the holy month, Kamal is exhibiting careless disregard for his rapidly-deteriorating oral condition.

“Ramadan is a blessed time. We believe the breath of the faster is revered in the sight of our Creator,” stated one close Muslim friend. “But there’s a limit to that funk. Do they make an electric miswak?”

According to friends Kamal, 32, routinely stands “too damn close” and frequently gets excited, spraying saliva onto helpless bystanders. Local mosque officials blame dwindling congregation numbers largely to Kamal’s antics.

“He’s one of those guys that shouts ‘Ameen’ during prayer, causing others to become disoriented and injured,” stated the imam. “Frankly, it smells like someone defecated in the prayer hall. We’re not sure if he’s farting and blaming his breath. Either that or maybe he eats garbage for suhur?”

According to numerous reports, Kamal’s wispy beard was burnt off by his toxic breath fumes. Some, however, positively remarked his “circle of stank” forms a natural protective barrier around the mosque, guarding worshippers from Islamophobic attacks and protests.

His co-workers, however, are demanding Kamal be reassigned to a less public, non-helpdesk role.

“Everyone’s been calling in sick just to avoid Mo,” stated receptionist Jenny Bradford. “We only have eight employees but need to either get remote assistance or everyone’s buying gas masks.”
1...262728...67Page 27 of 67

HALL OF FAME

Follow us on Instagram @islamicanews

© Copyright Islamica Corporation. All rights reserved. Any unauthorized copying, duplication or reproduction of site content is strictly prohibited and punishable by law.