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“Sculpt Mohammed” Contest Fails Miserably: Organizer Claims Terrorists Sabotaged Event

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Islamica News
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Most of the slabs remained as city officials struggled with cleanup efforts and providing urgent medical care.

EL PASO, TX – The wave of anti-Muslim sentiment continued earlier today as the “Freedom of Speech Rally III” moved ahead with their “Sculpt Mohammed” contest, despite a slew of backlash and difficulties. Event organizer Robert “Billy Bob” Williams devised the concept while heavily intoxicated and watching televised coverage “Freedom of Speech Rally II.”

“There was this CAIR guy hollering how Muslims don’t want no artwork of Mohammed on account of idol worship or some idealization crap,” explained Williams. “I said to myself, Billy Bob, you can’t draw worth a damn but you can carve up some rocks. Let’s teach these Arabs some good old-fashioned American freedom!”

“Then I crapped myself and passed out,” added Williams.

Williams somehow managed to have Amazon.com ship an estimated 30 tons of granite, marble and limestone to an open field yesterday and that’s when his plans began to unravel.

“Carving stone of this size is a painstaking process that can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months,” explained one participant. “They booked this venue for eight hours.”

Dozens were injured as amateur sculptors feverishly fumbled with chisels, hammers and an assortment of power tools. One reporter was seriously injured by flying shrapnel when a participant attempted to sculpt with his Gloc-9 firearm.

“I’m willing to die protecting the first amendment with the second amendment!” noted the participant. When asked to name other amendments or the basic premise of the constitution, the man declined to comment and shouted, “Liberals!”

Despite being a largely nonviolent event, some Muslim counter-protestors pelted statues with stones however contestants were happy to have additional material to work with.

In an ironic twist, one participant carved a figure resembling the Virgin Mary and others flocked to a makeshift altar surrounding the statue.

The winning entry, a Play-Doh sculpture entitled “Ball with Stick on Top,” was from three-year-old Mark Davidson from Dallas, Texas.

Williams believes the event was sabotaged by unspecified “terrorists” and vowed to continue efforts of hatred, paranoia, self-promotion and vanity in the name of freedom.

Imam Claims Shia LaBeouf Plagiarized His Friday Sermon: Word for Word Rip, He Claims

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Islamica News
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The imam claims many of his "signature moves" were plagiarized by LaBeouf.

TORONTO, ON – Actor Shia LaBeouf’s recent viral YouTube motivational speech has a local imam crying foul. Riaz Hamouda, imam of the Pickering Muslim Society, claims LaBeouf stole it from his past Friday sermons.

“I deliver this speech, word for word, every week,” claims the imam. “He’s stolen my signature moves, down to my hand gestures. It’s [a] total rip. I should be the one being parodied on the YouTube.”

Hamouda explained the mosque struggled with fundraising efforts and he devised his “signature” speech to get donations for continued, perpetual masjid construction projects.

He proudly claims his speeches have resulted increased donations “in excess of $20 a week.”

“They’re 90 seconds of confusing, powerful motivation,” claimed a worshipper. “We regularly leave feeling like we have to do something. Sometimes we even flip double-parked cars in the parking lot.”

The imam was considering legal options against LaBeouf but it’s believed the matter has been settled out of court for an undisclosed “generously donated” sum.

LaBeoufs video has garnered over 3 million views since being posted last week.

What if Diet Coke Can Technology Fell Into the Wrong Hands?: The doomsday scenario would be impossible to aspar-tame.

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Islamica News
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Authorities are concerned that Coke can technology could fall into the wrong hands, prompting a worldwide cafeteria food fight and thirst quenching.

Washington, DC – Authorities are on high alert after unopened cans of Coke were purchased in bulk from area Costco and other wholesale and discount stores.

The Department of Defense released a report based on intelligence gathered over the past several weeks. The recent report was published on the heels of Friday’s incident in which a Muslim woman requested an unopened can (the most dangerous type of can) of Diet Coke on a United Airlines flight. The woman claimed the unopened cans were more ‘hygienic.’

Coincidentally, crates of Coke cans disappeared overnight in ISIS strongholds across Syria and Iraq. Sources could not confirm if the cans were unopened or ‘diet-grade.’

A video released by the terrorist organization shows a group of masked men gripping Diet Coke cans in their hands, chanting, “Yes we CAN, yes we [Diet Coke] CAN!”

The recent report begs the question: What will violent groups do with the unopened cans of Coke? Furthermore, will they obtain the technology to mass produce diet-grade soda cans and distribute them across their growing army?

These questions are being posed to officials at the National Can-Violence Prevention Conference (NCVP) happening in Mclean, VA this weekend. Officials will also discuss how they will safeguard stockpiles of Coke cans across the world, and alert foreign governments to raise their respective security levels.

Authorities fear that an angry group of Muslims with malicious intent could throw multiple unopened cans at unsuspecting people, resulting in a ‘thunk’ sound effect. A series of these actions could result in a painful, yet comical montage of events.

Defense officials are closely monitoring the situation, and have issued a temporary ‘bottle-only’ order.

Hero Stewardess Thwarts Diet Jihad: FBI Warns of Potential Further Snack Terror

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Islamica News
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Reactions to her courageous act are divided.

CHICAGO, IL – A quick-thinking United Airlines flight attendant is being hailed as a hero for resolving a beverage terror incident yesterday. According to authorities, the would-be assailant was an “overtly Muslim” woman traveling for reasons unknown.

“I started to get suspicious when she wasn’t giving her full, undivided attention to the pre-flight safety instructions,” stated the air hostess. “She was also wearing some form of protective headgear [Ed: hijab] which made her agenda very clear.”

The stewardess went on to explain that if one of “those people” somehow glued multiple aluminum cans together, it could form a “soda sword” or “cola bat” that could be used to subdue the crew.

“Who knows? If our pilot’s diabetic, an attacker could use a bunch of non-diet sodas to induce a coma,” she added. “Don’t get me started on what they could do with pretzels!”

The flight crew was helped by a courageous passenger who valiantly shouted insults and obscenities at the Muslim woman to “keep her in her place.”

Not everyone, however, believes this is a heroic act. Some believe this is a precursor to major airlines removing complimentary snacks from flights. Others insist that “hazardous beverage fees” are on the horizon from most major airlines.

This was the first snack-related terror incident since the foiled 1972 “Peanut Hijacking” aboard a Delta Airlines flight.

Bike Rally Participants Blocked-In Parking Lot by Mosque Latecomers: Protestors Can’t Move, Late for Work

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Islamica News
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Biker gang protestors grew frustrated at their Anti-Islam rally in Phoenix as many were boxed-in and couldn't return to work on time.

Phoenix, AZ – Lost amongst a sea of Toyota Camrys, Honda Accords, and other Japanese imports is an island of Harley-Davidsons and chopper motorbikes belonging to armed protestors. This is the scene at todays anti-Islam protest in a Phoenix area mosque parking lot. The demonstrators, largely comprised of local-area biker gangs, had their motorcycles boxed in by Muslim latecomers oblivious to conventional parking protocol.

“I’m late for work!” exclaimed Jon Dougin, a frustrated protestor and self-proclaimed patriot. “My damn bike’s surrounded by three cars and I can’t go nowhere! Never seen these many Camrys in my life!”

The anti-Islam protestors maintain they are peaceful, as many brandish semi-automatic weapons while families with children walk past.

“There I was gripping my TEC-9, sneering at some raghead toddler,” said a peaceful protestor who goes by the name Haterade.

Haterade was shocked to witness such blatant disregard of parking etiquette, remarking, “Who are these savages?!?”

Another biker claimed he wasn’t part of the biker gang rally, but rather part of the Muslim Tableeghi Jama’at.

Demonstrators were further frustrated by the Muslims’ lack of punctuality, having to endure the congregation’s hour-long delay. Inside the mosque, leaders could be heard over the P.A. system announcing a long list of makes, models and license plates of cars allegedly blocking protestors’ motorcycles.

“Brothers, I tell you every damn week. If you’re blocking cars in the parking lot, move out right away,” announced Kamal Ashfaq, director of the Islamic Community of Phoenix. “That principle also applies to motorcycles and, should the need arise, unicycles.”

Delayed, some confused and hungry protestors succumbed to their hunger and bought food being sold for a mosque fundraiser, including tea and middle-eastern shwarmas.

“I heard they were selling beer,” said Haterade. “But it’s really some [expletive] they call Beer Yaani? Anyways it’s [expletive] delicious.”

As of 4PM, a small group of demonstrators could still be seen sitting on their bikes waiting for the remaining congregants to move their cars. Out of the estimated 30 rally participants, six are believed to have converted to Islam.
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