Thursday, March 28, 2024
Home Blog Page 26

IndoPak Muslims Urge Return to Ramzan, Khuda Hafiz, Slalekum: "Allah Miya wants this!"

Festival organizers are hoping to take Desi Urban Muslim Pride (DUMP) to the next level this year.

CHICAGO, IL – Muslims of Indian and Pakistani descent are demanding a return to their roots, rejecting the recent “Arabization” of their language and culture.

“The transient subcontinent culture takes great pride in arbitrarily deleting vowels, syllables, and logic when borrowing words and ideas from other cultures,” explained Professor Shakeel Ahmed from the University of Indians and Chinese (UIC). “Not long ago, Muslims from the subcontinent would say Khuda Hafiz when leaving someone’s house during Ramzan“.

“We won’t be told what to do by dirty Arabs!”

Ahmed elaborated terms such as “Ramadan” are attempts to reform the longstanding “Ramzan” mispronunciation of their Persian ancestors. Other example include “Allah Hafiz” recently supplanting “Khuda Hafiz” and “Assalamualaikum” replacing the traditional “Slalekum.”

“We’re also willing to accept variants such as ‘Salekum,’ ‘Asakalekum,’ and random gargling sounds. Maybe even ‘Namaste.’ We want to return to an arbitrary point in history we consider our roots, but must be careful not going so far back we become Hindu again, or worse – primates.”

“That’s exactly what the jinns want.”

Others are joining Ahmed in pushing for “Desi Muslim Pride.”

“Sorry for being late,” explained Pervez Khan, founder of the Desi Urban Muslim Pride (DUMP) Parade. Arriving two hours late to our interview, he offered no explanation for his tardiness.

“Anyway this year, we are taking DUMP to next level. We will have floats with all colors of the rainbow and signs with original Hindi and Urdu words all over them. No Arabic! Allah Miya wants this!” explained Khan, “Devon Avenue will be plastered with DUMP!”

Khan anticipates the DUMP Parade taking place “later this month or something like that” but many are skeptical. Traditionally in past years, DUMP organizers have delayed festivities while haggling city officials for required license fees.

“Bloody Amreekan rules!” lamented Khan.

New Mosque Built Entirely Out of Tossed Date Pits: Walls of Ramadan breath waft through the 11,000 square foot structure

The 11,000 square foot mosque is the first of its kind, comprised of 10 million date pits and a 'Pul-pit' for its Imam.

Parsippany, NJ – The Muslim Association of New Jersey (MANJ) is celebrating the opening of their new mosque, which is built entirely out of disposed date pits. Community members are lauding the successful construction project as both innovative and environment-friendly.

Haris Adeeb, president of MANJ, said he got the idea when he slipped on a cluster of date pits during one of the community’s iftar events, leaving one pit permanently lodged in his forehead.

“Every year we’re stuck with industrial-sized piles of tossed date pits,” said Adeeb, who is an immigrant of Morocco. “When I hit my head on the floor, I could have gotten angry – but instead I got serious… about date pits.”

Mosque officials consulted with architects and engineers, many of which refused to participate in the project citing structural concerns.

The 11,000 square foot building required nearly 10 million date pits to construct. Every year, the community generates only 8 million date pits, leaving a 2 million date-pit-deficit. Officials had to turn to the community to fundraise the additional seed count.

For two weeks straight, Adeeb implored congregations to raise pit counts by reaching deep into their pockets and fish out any random date pits.

Long time congregant Jameel Wallace, made a pledge to eat 10,000 dates over the course of two iftars.

“All I remember is chewing, spitting, chewing, spitting, chewing, spitting,” said the generous Wallace who sprained his jaw in the process.

The project suffered more than a few glitches including a leaky roof, swarms of fruit flies and the persistent odor of Ramadan breath emanating from the date pits. The community has dubbed the main room, the “Prayer Hall-itosis.”

“Brother Fareed forgot to wash the date pits before we used them for construction,” said a resentful Adeeb. “Which doesn’t surprise me, because he NEVER washes his pits, if you know what I mean.”

Another feature at the new mosque is the Imam’s “Pul-pit” – a lectern made from exotic Mejool date pits.

The community is expected to host an official opening ceremony at the end of Ramadan, but no final date has been announced (no pun intended).

Microwave Clock Totally Messing with Fasting Man: Regrets Following it Religiously

The man claims it's been stuck at 8:30 for "at least the last half [expletive] hour."

MOBILE, AL – Late last evening, a local Muslim man held a press conference claiming his various timepieces and home appliances are “totally [expletive] messing with” him during the holy month of Ramadan.

“I’ve been following the clock religiously,” stated the man. “I stop eating the pre-dawn meal right on time, but when it’s time to break my fast I think something’s wrong.”

He explained despite numerous attempts to synchronize his microwave clock, it’s always “a few minutes off”. He also noted it often freezes for several minutes and “the damn thing” has, on at least one occasion, appeared to wind backward.

“See? We’ve been talking for like five minutes and the thing hasn’t changed at all! I see pink streaks in the sky. That’s gotta give the green light, right?”

The man named his oven clock and mobile phone as a co-conspirators in this “blatant deception of time” along with his wristwatch, wall clock and backyard sundial.

According to friends, the man has gained little from fasting beyond hunger and thirst.

ISIL Challenges Hamas to Dance-Off: "It's On in Ramadan!" Claim Militants

The bizarre 8-hour video has puzzled the international counterterrorism community.

Aleppo Province, Syria – Earlier today, ISIL militants released an 8-hour online video criticizing Hamas for their failures. In the video, a Che Guevara lookalike ranted for 15 minutes and challenged Hamas leaders to a dance-off to settle the matter.

“You knew this was coming. We finna drop a dope beat,” shouted the gunman, removing his turban and donning a backwards Yankees baseball cap. “You ready? It’s on like Ramadan! We gonna kick some Hamass!”

A “Teen Wolf” doppelgänger donned sunglasses, raised a boombox onto his shoulder and played some classic Run DMC tracks. The wolf man howled incessantly while the rest of the crew shook various limbs, showcasing their discombobulated dance skills.

“We’ve miscalculated their level of insanity and the overall threat,” stated a CIA spokesman. “They appear to lack basic hand-eye coordination and frankly, Obama dances better than them.”

After wiggling for approximately two hours on video the lead gunman, drenched in sweat, grew frustrated.

“Damn it, guys, we practiced this!” shouted the gunman, firing and killing a literally-dead ringer of Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine. “Did I say to stop dancing, Akheel? And stop howling!”

In the final six hours of the video, the remaining three members danced until collapsing of apparent dehydration.

Perspective: You Muslim Kids In The US Have No Idea What It Was Like Here Forty Years Ago: A 70's Muslim immigrant reflects back on a life full of adversities

Shafique Mansoor immigrated to Lubbock, Texas from Pakistan to study Civil Engineering. As the only Muslim in a fifty-mile radius, Mansoor recalls a life of hardship.

The following is an editorial written by Shafique Mansoor whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News.

Hey guys, it’s me… the uncle who migrated to the United States from Pakistan back in the early seventies to pursue an education, and ultimately go back to my country but never did.

I just wanted to tell all of you Ramadan Mubarak, and I hope you’re having a great time tweeting pics of every damn crumb of food that enters your face-hole during sunset.

You know, you Muslim kids living in the North America have it so good nowadays. Back when I first migrated to this country, I was one of THREE Muslims living in a fifty-mile radius. And the other two weren’t real Muslims at all — one of them was a white guy who played the voice of Hadji from Jonny Quest. Oh, what an accent!

Today you have mosques EVERYWHERE — for shi’ahs, sunnis, sisters-only mosques, creepy brothers centers – AND YOU STILL COMPLAIN! What I wouldn’t give to have one good mosque to go to back then. The closest thing we had to a mosque was a condemned mobile home that we shared with a KKK grand wizard and a gaze of raccoons. Our Friday sermons consisted of some white supremacists telling us to go back to Nicaragua!

Technically they weren’t Islamophobes. No one knew what to hate because no one really knew what we were.

And we couldn’t afford a real Hafiz, so we paid some guy that kinda knew Surah Ikhlas. I remember that first Ramadan… he read Surah Ikhlas for ALL 20 TARAWEEH RAKAHS! We’d ask him questions on fiqh, and he’d just respond with ANOTHER recitation of Surah Ikhlas!

Wudu centers were a luxury. To do wudu, we had to report a fire so that the local fire department could come hose us down three times!

You kids have it so good with all your abundant sources of halal food. Do you think there were halal meat stores during our time?!? NOPE. We had to go into survival mode and resort to eating bacon. Delicious bacon every single morning with tears streaming down our cheeks. This was way before Google, so there was no way to research what pepperoni pizza really was. We’d scarf down ten slices at a time and wash it down with cold beers (no Google, remember?). Many years later, our version of a Halal Food Festival was a bag of kosher marshmallows sold from the back of some random dude’s van.

And holy crap! You have marriage apps now?!? You know how tough it was to find someone suitable to marry?!? We were forced to engage in the local nightlife  to find the closest thing to a Muslim female. Forget ‘people of the book.’ We had to settle for ‘people who heard of a book.’

But I must give it up to heavier white women. For decades they were Pakistani men’s guaranteed pathway to citizenship. God bless them. Even though that first marriage lasted all of 47 minutes. (BTW – If Debbie Auntie asks about me, tell her they threw my brown butt into Guantanamo Bay).

Anyways, you kids should be WAY more grateful than you are. Be thankful for the communities you have and the people you live with. If you think your life is full of challenges, just remember a younger, smellier version of me eid hugging myself to sleep every night.

 

 

HALL OF FAME