Monday, November 25, 2024
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Anne Coulter, Ayaan Hirsi Ali Remind World They Hate Muslims, Too: Miffed By Pamela Gellar Taking Spotlight

NEW YORK, NY – At a press conference this morning, half-equine Islamophobe Ann Coulter reminded major media outlets of her unfortunate, continued existence.

“I’m still here and I continue my hatred of Muslims, too,” stated Coulter, who clearly has an Adams apple. “I just berated the 7-11 clerk while getting my morning coffee. Why is Pam getting all the love, you guys?!”

“I’m thinking of hosting a ‘Punch an Arab’ day. Would that make you love me again?” she asked reporters as her voice quivered.

Coulter joins a chorus of Islamophobes increasingly miffed that Pamela Gellar is robbing them of the spotlight.

“It used to be that you could walk up to your local FOX News affiliate and shout anything crazy about Muslims to get a little air time,” stated religious studies expert Reza Aslan. “Now, the conservative media is focusing on quality, screening for the most lunatic fringes of xenophobic paranoia.”

Noted Islamophobe Ayaan Hirsi Ali recently stated she believes, “Gella needs ta go to da back o’da line right quick,” adding she feels her book sales are being affected by Gellar’s recent hate-fueled events.

“Da Gella…she bad news. Oy, da devil in dose eyes, mon” stated Ali, who recently converted to the Rastafarian faith as an attempt to remain relevant and in the press headlines.

“Methinks I be needin’ anotha convertin to keep da reporta mon lookin’ dis way, yessa!”

Weekender – Progressive White Couple Excited to Try Ethnic Restaurants with Bad Service: "They served us our appetizers after dessert."

In search for eating establishments with less than stellar service, Patrick and Kathy Edwards embark on a life changing experience with occasional diarrhea.

Chicago, IL – Patrick and Kathryn Edwards are taking a break from their ordinary routine of eating at established venues with dependable service. Last weekend the twenty-something, progressive couple took to Yelp and tried ethnic restaurants in their neighborhood with less than stellar service.

“Patrick and I searched our phones for all sorts of ‘one to two star’ Indian and Pakistani restaurants near our condo on the North side. Who knew there was such a gold mine near our neighborhood!” said Kathryn Edwards, who suffered second degree burns from a spilled plate of hot samosas on her lap.

“We REALLY wanted to break free from our comfort zone of being taken care of with attentive service. That whole ‘valuable customer’ thing is overrated.”

The couple patronized three local eating establishments on Devon Ave near Chicago’s north side. Patrick Edwards recalled his experience at ‘Khan’s Palace’ – one of the venues visited by the couple last weekend.

“As soon as we walked in, we were greeted by the words ‘Our restroom is out of order, you go now’ by a sweaty Pakistani man with an accent,” said Edwards, a digital marketing professional.

“Then he served us cloudy water in spotted glasses, one that had a dried-up coriander leaf permanently stuck to the inside. We tried complaining, but he couldn’t hear us over the blaring TV’s tuned to some foreign satellite-fed channel. You can’t plan on that kind of authentic experience. It was amazing.”

When Kathryn Edwards ordered a Sprite, she was served a flat Pepsi. When she told the server he gave her the wrong drink, he told her “is same thing.”

“I remember when Shawn saw a finger nail in our boti kabab, our server plucked it from our plate, looked at us and said ‘is okay now?’ LOVE that attitude!”

“Then they served us appetizers after dessert.”

Khan’s Palace was unavailable for comment.

The Edwards look forward to a calling in sick Monday to their respective employers with violent cases of diarrhea.

Study: Scientist Discover Creature Inside Humans That Sucks Pants In Through Butthole During Prayer: New research reverses widely accepted 'inverted farts' theory

Scientist believe they have found an organism that sucks pants into the body via several orfices during prayer.

Houston, TX – A group of researchers at Houston’s South Texas Medical Center revealed the preliminary results of a on an ongoing study conducted earlier this year.

Scientist claim that one out of five men studied have a dormant organism that resides toward the lower portion of the large intestine. They have given it the working name, ‘Kiko.’

Dr. Alan Howard, Director of Research Studies at STMC, said ‘Kiko’ activates itself at specific times of day, or during activities such as prayer. Once active, it begins to suck underwear and pants into the body cavity via the anus, creating a wedge-like appearance for its hosts.

“We’ve found that the Kiko is most active during prayer, as it begins to suck garments into the body via the butt (hole),” said Howard as he showed file photos to a room full of members from the local medical community.

“In some cases, we’ve found the suction to be incredibly strong.”

Researchers were prompted to conduct the study after reports that many men were praying with ‘wedgees’ at the local Islamic center.

While there is no cure for the Kiko, officials say they can reduce the appearance of the ‘wedge’ by wearing looser garments including longer shirts and middle eastern style gowns (thobe).

A recent round of funding for the study has been approved, and research will continue through the end of the year.

Chronic Lateness Continues Despite Apple Watch: Technology Fails to Prevent Tardiness

CHICAGO, IL – Ahmad Khaleel, one of the millions who ordered the Apple Watch earlier this month, is one of the estimated 300 people actually receiving their order today. Despite production difficulties, Apple’s latest offering boasts many cutting-edge features. Khaleel’s reason for ordering the hot gadget, however, is far more basic.

“I was hoping it would help me be on time a little bit more,” boasted the proud owner. “I’m always late to stuff. Maybe having a $1,200 reminder on my wrist will make me look at it a little more often.”

Unfortunately for the 36-year-old entrepreneur his watch crashed during his morning commute, distracting him and leading to a collision with a utility pole.

“I was amazed looking at my heartbeat but then the screen went white and thought I was dying,” stated the man. “Then I had a panic attack and the next thing I know, I’m talking to a police officer and running half an hour late to my morning meeting.”

Despite his troubles, Khaleel is powering through the rest of his day. Thus far, he’s been late to all but one of his appointments.

“As sad as it sounds, it’s progress. I probably would’ve been late to all of them last week,” noted Khaleel. “In fairness, the watch overheated and burned me during a meeting. But at least that made me wrap it up and get to my next one on time.”

Khaleel hopes, “Maybe it’ll get [him] to Friday prayer before the second rakat” and excused himself from the interview after realizing he was late to his next appointment.

Islamic School Teacher Shares Heartbreaking Notes From Students: Amazing, Sad Peek Into the Minds of Children

A second-grade teacher at a local Islamic school recently asked her students to write about something they wished their teacher knew. She expected imaginative, uplifting notes of positivity from her little students.

The following, however, is a heartbreakingly honest look into the minds of small children and the gritty, honest realities they deal with in the classroom.

teacher2
I wish my teacher knew hitting kids is illegal.
teacher1
I wish my teacher knew good English.
teacher3
I wish my teacher knew how to teach.
teacher4
I wish my teacher knew Arabic.
teacher5
I wish my teacher knew it’s not good to gossip during a lesson.

HALL OF FAME