Tuesday, August 9, 2022
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SauDisney Now Open: Kingdom of Saudi Meets Magic Kingdom

SauDisney hopes to further commercialize the area.

JEDDAH, KSA – “Kingdom of Saudi, meet the Magic Kingdom,” announced Disney CEO Michael Eisner at the grand opening of SauDisney, his entertainment empire’s latest theme park in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia.

The park opened earlier this month after being plagued with delays over the past 14 years, mostly due to changes required to conform with traditional Islamic etiquette.

Local competitors such as Habib's Camel Rides (above) are understandably nervous about the opening of the theme park.

Popular Disney characters such as Minnie Mouse, famous for flaunting around in a mini-skirt, can now can be seen donning the customary hijab and jilbab, forcing Mickey to lower his gaze. Other modifications include the replacement Disney’s popular “Gay Day” in favor of “No Gay Day.”

“We only recieved about four bomb threats this morning which is always a good, low number for this time of year,” stated Mujabr El-Mukhara bin Lulu, a local deputy.

Many local residents are welcoming the park. SauDisney represents a vast change for the landscape of a country that usually consists of bedouins, camels, and the occasional mini-mall.

“This is a much-needed change from the same old stupid camel rides,” raved Afeef Abdul-Majeed, a local camel ride operator.

Eisner concluded the opening cermony by enthusiastically proclaiming, “Mickey loves everyone, even you people.”

Islamica Finally Reveals Secret!: Uncles, Aunties Ain't Too Happy

Protests like this one last weekend have led Islamica to question their pact with the devil.

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Feeling under pressure from the public and parents alike, the boys at Islamica revealed the source for their creative, yet controversial ideas. At a news conference held in a Suburban Chicago garage last Friday, company CEO Faisal Khan told all about the longtime coveted issue.

At that point, Khan began laughing hysterically.”You’re not going to like what I have to say,” Khan began, “but we get our ideas from the Jews.”

“I’m just joking…it’s not the Jews!”

Then with a solemn face Khan revealed, “Seriously though, the real source for our ideas is the devil.”

Baig went on to explain that the company hired the devil at its inception, and has been enjoying his input since.

The news angered many Chicago-area Muslims who took to Devon Avenue in protest. Hundreds chanted ‘Islamica sucks!’ as police tried to keep the crowd under control.

“Islamica?” 28-year old Rehan Siddiqui shouted. “They should rename themselves Haramica!”

Siddiqui was unaware his brother, Tahami, currently holds the position as Public Relations officer at Islamica.

Local area mosques pleaded with protesters to take action.

“We can’t sit back now,” a local mosque leader told people. “We have to write our respective congressmen and tell them to ask Islamica to…to stop talking to the devil or something like that.”

The news did not come as a shock to many, and simply reaffirmed the older generation’s longtime suspicion.

“I knew them boys were up to no good,” said 58 year old Sartaj Farooqui. “I’ve seen their shirts, now I hear they’ll be making miniskirts.”

Islamica, however, sees the issue under a completely different light.

Company CIO and Webmaster Azher Ahmed was all compliments toward their evil associate. “The devil is a genius when it comes to graphic arts,” Ahmed raved. “Whenever we work together, I just give him the mouse and watch in awe. I love that little guy.”

The accord with the devil was news to longtime Islamica board member Mustafa Siraj.

“I didn’t even know we worked with the devil,” Siraj grumbled. “I just thought that voice saying ‘eat pork’ was inside my head.”

It appears that Siraj wasn’t the only member who had problems with the prince of darkness.

Former member Adnan Dhakan gave the company an ultimatum a year ago.

“I told them it was either me or the devil,” Dhakan said. “I can’t believe this crap.”

Some current Islamica members have complained about the devil’s work ethic at the office.

“I walked into the coffee room once,” related board member Afeef Abdul-Majeed, “and he was putting rum in the drinking water…yeah I’m pretty sure it was rum.”

Could this be the face of evil?

lslamica Chief Financial Officer Sadat Khan states that the devil comes into his office after-hours and tells him to take from the company’s funds. “I tell him to go away,” Khan mentions. “I ask him ‘What are you the devil or something?’ to which he looks back and smiles. Then we both laugh for a while.”

Because of the recent protests, Islamica states that they will look into some of the complaints they’ve been receiving throughout the past years.

At the news conference, many inquired what the devil looked like, to which Mirza Baig replied, “Well he looks a lot like eighties television star Webster.”

Matrimonial Service Celebrates 20 Years, Four Marriages: Anticipation Builds For Possible Fifth in 2004

The Akhtars demonstrate their "point and pray" strategy for matching marriage prospects.

BERWYN, IL – Late yesterday afternoon Convention Marriages Incorporated (CMI) announced their fourth marriage successful marriage arrangement, making them one of the most successful Muslim matrimonial services in North America. Co-owners Habib and Bisma Akthar issued a press release that was generally ignored by all local-area newspapers.

“We’re disappointed this event isn’t gaining more press coverage. Maybe we should bomb something,” stated Mr. Akhtar with a nervous chuckle.

The Akthars bought CMI five years ago after previous owners arranged three marriages in 15 years and count their own marriage amongst CMI’s four total marriage arrangements to date.

Sales comparisons for the top matrominial services
Sales comparisons for the top matrominial services

Mrs. Akhtar stressed CMI has a competitive advantage by stating, “We have such a huge selection of individuals to choose from. Ages range from 4 to 97, so I believe that people have a lot of choices from our candidate pool.”

CMI anticipates a flurry of activity to take place in the near future and is rumored to be pursuing a possible fifth marriage arrangement sometime in the next decade or two.

“If thing keep going as well as they are we’re thinking of going IPO,” exclaimed Mr. Akthar. “Our research leads us to believe we can keep this incredible pace for some time to come.”

Doctors Ticked At All These ‘New Computer Guys’: "We worked too damn hard for this"

Doctor Chaudry is one of several MD's who have become addicted to Novocain in order to cope with the decreased demand for doctors.

LOS ANGELES, CA – “They’re like cockroaches, I tell you!” exclaims Dr. Sikandar Ahmed at an annual Muslim American Medical Association (MAMA) convention in Los Angeles. “These computer guys are ruining everything!”

What is Ahmed ranting and raving about, you might ask? It’s the sudden surge of computer professionals flooding the market and snatching away fine pieces of an abundant silicon pie.

“I worked too damn hard for this!” shouts Dr. Abbas Ali, a Neurosurgeon at Chicago’s Columbus Hospital. “I spent 23 years in school just to be upstaged by a…a…geek!”With an unprecedented demand in the information technology arena, individuals in the computer industry have surpassed professions in the medical and legal fields to become the highest-averaging paid individuals in the nation. But while software developers and web architects smell green, doctors cry foul.

Ali’s sentiment is echoed throughout the medical community’s fresh graduates who feel economically and socially violated.

“Can you count the number of gray hairs on my head? Well can you?!” Bilal Shahid asks while nervously pointing to his head. Shahid, 43, is one of the latest batches of fresh MD’s to come out of the University of Texas’ Medical School. Shahid went on with his histrionics by plucking out a gray hair and explaining, “This is the byproduct of years and years of molding and refinement. Can you honestly say that this equates with a four year, two-cent Bachelor’s in Information Systems?”

“This sucks!” were the first words echoed by Shafaat Ali Khan upon his return to the country after spending 10 years in medical school overseas. “You know that story of Rip Van Winkle and how he fell asleep for a hundred years, only to wake up and find everything changed?” Khan asks. “Well that’s how I’m feeling right about now. By the way, what’s an HMO?”

Some doctors have begun forms of retaliation such as Dr. Ahmed (pictured) preparing to inject his patient - an Internet systems analyst making twice his annual salary - with enormous dose of elephant tranquilizers.

What angers the medical community most is the low threshold the computer industry holds. A four-year degree in computer science demands a higher average starting salary than that of a medical specialization in dermatology. Furthermore, it has become commonplace to find computer professionals without any Bachelors degrees whatsoever.

Many aspiring medical students find themselves hanging up their stethoscopes and picking up keyboards.

Tahami Siddiqui was a former medical student at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine until he made the switch. Siddiqui was one semester away from his MD before joining the waves of MIS students.

“I remember thinking to myself: the hell with this!” Siddiqui said. “This ‘noble profession’ won’t get me married to a beautiful Pakistani as fast as coding in C++ will.”

Marriage is definitely another area where doctors feel they’re losing they’re reign. Upon hearing the word “doctor,” Muslim mothers would flock to the source. Nowadays that flock has turned into a sluggish stroll.

“I hate computer people,” says Nabil Chaudhry, an MD. “I was supposed to marry this girl named Fatima. When I graduated medical school, I found out she married a FOB version of Bill Gates. I hope that marriage crashes…haha get it?”

Chaudhry walked away laughing frantically.

At the turn of the century, this nation is witnessing a new rivalry brewing between two professions which are so different, yet somehow battle for the same territory. The entire medical field sits up in arms over this issue as their adversaries continuously take to the bank.

At a medical convention in Los Angeles, Dr. Ahmed raved on, “I got in this profession to help people. Now give me some recognition dammit! Show me the money…show me the money!!!”

Khabsistan Adds More Nations To “Worst Insult” List: List expected To Exceed 100 By End of Week

At a recent press conference, Khabsistan Prime Minister Boutros Gilani rejected all citizens of Mexico from marrying his daughter.

YOMAMA, KHABSISTAN – In what seems to be a habitual pattern of souring international relations, Prime Minister Iftikhar Boutros Gilani of the self-declared nation of Khabsistan announced yet another severing of diplomatic dealings.

Khabsistan, which is still trying to gain its geographical recognition next to Pakistan on the globe, has spent its past two weeks cutting off ties with other nations around the world. So far, leaders from the United States, Russia, Laos, Luxembourg, Portugal, China, and Mexicans all around the world have been banned from marrying Gilani’s daughter.This time Gilani has focused his rage towards Zaire’s premiere, standing high in the nation’s legislative court exclaiming, “That idiot in Afrikha, he cannot do it! He cannot marry my daughter!”

Analysts estimate that this list of nations is expected to exceed 100 by the end of the week.

“If I even catch them looking or talking to my daughter, I will kill him to the death!” Gilani shouted, waving his mahogany cane in the air.

“I know what they want to do it, but I will let them not!”

Gilani does not appear to be an individual who would freely issue the nation’s worst insult. His appearance is more of a pacifist, standing at 5’6″ (Khabsistan’s tallest) in the traditional loongi (the western equivalent of a wraparound plaid skirt), an occasional tobacco stained T-shirt, and extravagant bathroom slippers.

“But boy does he pack a donkey’s kick when he talks,” says Raj Pakhanawala, one of the 150 residents living in the country. “When babajee speaks, two of my ears listen!”

But are the rest of the worlds’ two ears really listening?

When President Clinton was asked for comment, he replied “Khabsa-who? Listen we’re working on the Timor situation the best we know how at this moment. Peace will blossom in that part of the world.”

Gilani demonstrates the possible impact of renouncing marriage rights for TWO daughters.

Tony Blair of Britain jokingly remarked, “If I were interested in skinny girls with mustaches, then it may matter to me…but seriously, I’m married already.”

The Khabsistan male population echoes numerous sentiments of concern. One of the country’s homeless cries as he urinates in the metropolitan river, “If ‘Babajee’ were to ever restrict me from marrying his daughter, I don’t know what I would do. I’d lose my dignity.”

The local population seems to ignore the fact that Gilani does not even have a daughter.

In last week’s tirade, Gilani went on to point out that he wished he had two daughters so he could pack twice the insult.”Just the thought of such a horrible deprivation is enough for me,” says Bobby, the country’s finance minister as well as Commander of the court’s Military. “I sure feel sorry for that Harry Clinton.”

Currently, tensions are developing between Khabsistan and the Men’s World Homosexual Federation.

“The last thing this sovereign power needs is gayism ideology” Gilani defends. “I’m afraid there is a slight possibility for them to receive the insult.”

For the upcoming weeks, the rest of the world must sit and watch this small man wave his mahogany cane in the air, anticipating who next will be unworthy of his imaginary daughter.