FREMONT, CA – When Mrs. Wilson’s third grade class at Fremont Elementary School arrived at school Monday morning, they and others were greeted by a myriad of squad cars and special task forces for both local and California state agencies. For two days, the Fremont Police Department cautiously negotiated with Dr. Mukhail Sina, who reportedly kept the Islamic Society of Northern Fremont hostage over the weekend.

“Because we couldn’t collectively come up with one hundred thousand dollars,” cried recently released hostage Moin Kudair, “I had to miss Sunday football games and spend the night next to a caged hamster in some kindergarten classroom. Do you know how humiliating that is?”

The Islamic Society had been hosting their annual fundraiser at the elementary school to utilize its spacious cafeteria and lunch trays for serving. The hostile takeover began as a volatile Sina became frustrated over the community’s lack of pledging financially and donating jewelry. The motivational doctor boasted a previously-solid reputation for meeting minimum fundraiser goals.

“He told us that if we didn’t come up with the money, he would lock all the doors and that no one would be going home,” said an exhausted Maliha Siddiqui. “We all just laughed and thought it was part of his witty, charismatic style.”

Deen Saleem, the organizer of the dinner, panicked as the evening dragged on.

“I knew that if the audience didn’t get their tea by 10:30pm there was a strong chance they would revolt, exacerbating the situation. Luckily, there was tea.”

Saleem said that, fortunately, food was not an issue over the weekend.

“Based on last year’s experience, we knew there would have a surplus of two pans of biryani as well as unconsumed 2-liter bottles of Diet RC. No one ever drinks that stuff, unless of course you’re stuck in an elementary school for days.”

The community also lived off of the school’s sloppy joes and pre-plucked pepperoni pizza.

“We had to await a fatwa from Dr. Sina before we could eat it,” said Saleem.

Not all was bad during the crisis as Maliha Siddiqui, one of the hostages, became engaged for marriage during the ordeal.

“I’d always thought this guy from weekend school was a dork. During these past few days, however, our parents met, exchanged pictures and agreed that we’d be married by the next hostage…err.. I mean fundraiser dinner.”

The crisis ended when police used a crane to break through the roof of the elementary school cafeteria and lifted Dr. Sina out of the building.

“Once we saw Dr. Sina’s kicking body being lifted out, we all darted for the recycling bins that had our money and our wives’ jewelry,” reflected Moin Kudair. “What a jacked weekend.”

REDNECK COUNTY, IL – Nearly seven years have passed since the founding of the Muslim Student Association at Cornopolis Community College in Redneck County, but the student organization is still struggling to find out exactly what it should be doing.

“It’s hopeless”, lamented MSA President Qutub Butuq, “We don’t have any clue.”

“We hold fundraising dinners every few months and order pizzas at every general body meeting,” remarked Qutub while munching on a slice of deep-dish pizza.

While relatively small compared to other organizations on campus, the MSA currently has three executive board members, zero non-executive members and 12 Hindus that show up every week for free pizza.

Despite several failed attempts at doing something positive for the college community, several members of the MSA have begun questioning the existence of the organization, as well.

Defending the organization, MSA Vice President Ali Gora noted that the organization has made several attempts to “do Islamic stuff and make people Muslim” such as telling people that he’s Muslim, staring at them blankly for a while and then running away nervously.

MSA Secretary Chikita Banana added, “We’ve also ordered and distributed Dawa pamphlets into trash receptacles all over campus.”

The most noted activity in the history of the MSA occurred back in 1992 when the MSA successfully banned the use of pork in remedial math classes.

Prior to the ban, it was common practice for students of those classes to have a final exam that consisted of counting the number of toes on a pigs foot and receiving pork rinds as rewards for good deeds.

At a recent fundraising dinner organized by the MSA, President Qutub was asked exactly how the MSA plans to spend the money they have accrued over the past few years of inactivity.

“Here, have some pizza,” he replied with a nervous smile, “Would you like something to drink?”

In light of the recent flurry of questions regarding the validity of their organization, the MSA intends on holding an emergency meeting to discuss whether or not they should have a meeting to discuss the purpose of their meetings.

Deep-dish cheese pizza and non-alcoholic beverages will be served at the meeting.