BRIDGEVIEW, IL – In its growing paranoia of domestically funded international terrorism, the FBI announced a systematic crackdown of a chain of Arab-owned lemonade stands.
The lemonade stands, operated under the name “Lemonarabade” and owned predominantly by Arab youth ranging in ages between 5 and 7, are suspected of collectively generating enough revenue to fund the global operations of “Hizbul-Squeeze”, a radical organization known for its random violent attacks and a recent background vocal performance with pop-artist Sting.
In a news conference Wednesday, FBI Spokesperson for the Special Division on Arab People and Their Kids Paul Stevenson told reporters, “We believe these refreshment stands, though cute and innocent at first glance, are in fact havens for lemony madness.”
“A nickel here and a nickel there and all of a sudden, you have a nuclear warhead aimed at a Tel-Aviv street market.”
The Bureau was tipped off when they noticed similar characteristics across the network of lemon-based businesses.
“When our special team discovered that all the lemons being used at these stands were Sunkist brand…and all the kids were Arab, we knew it smelled like terrorism,” stated FBI Chief Investigator Ralph Wiggum.
Wiggum went on to say that the children at these stores would high five each other and yell “Allah-Hu-Akbar (God is great)” after every sale.
The Arab community expressed outrage regarding the raid, labeling the action “another act of aggression by Billy Clinton.”
“It’s just like ‘The Siege’, only with lemonade,” commented Sami Dumee, father of Dami Dumee, manager of the Spring Valley Dr. Lemonarabade stand. “How will I explain to my kid that he doesn’t have any lemons?”
The younger Dumee reflected on the raid at his stand last Tuesday. “They came in with big bistols and started to squish the lemons. I was scared. I did not know what to do. I felt like an Elian Gonzales.”
Arab-Americans are expected to respond to these latest actions by boycotting the FBI, distributing informational pamphlets entitled “Lemon-Taking Infidels,” as well as random ululations into the night.
FBI Spokesman Stevenson defended the Bureau’s position and pointed out, “When life hands you lemons, you make Gatorade, not bombs.”