CHICAGO, IL – A quick-thinking United Airlines flight attendant is being hailed as a hero for resolving a beverage terror incident yesterday. According to authorities, the would-be assailant was an “overtly Muslim” woman traveling for reasons unknown.
“I started to get suspicious when she wasn’t giving her full, undivided attention to the pre-flight safety instructions,” stated the air hostess. “She was also wearing some form of protective headgear [Ed: hijab] which made her agenda very clear.”
The stewardess went on to explain that if one of “those people” somehow glued multiple aluminum cans together, it could form a “soda sword” or “cola bat” that could be used to subdue the crew.
“Who knows? If our pilot’s diabetic, an attacker could use a bunch of non-diet sodas to induce a coma,” she added. “Don’t get me started on what they could do with pretzels!”
The flight crew was helped by a courageous passenger who valiantly shouted insults and obscenities at the Muslim woman to “keep her in her place.”
Not everyone, however, believes this is a heroic act. Some believe this is a precursor to major airlines removing complimentary snacks from flights. Others insist that “hazardous beverage fees” are on the horizon from most major airlines.
This was the first snack-related terror incident since the foiled 1972 “Peanut Hijacking” aboard a Delta Airlines flight.