SCHAUMBURG, IL – According to friends and relatives, 34-year-old Adam Noah is the model “moderate Muslim” by all accounts. For most of his life, Noah has managed to avoid anti-Muslim criticism by blending seamlessly with his suburban surroundings.
“It helps having a name like Adam Noah,” he explained. “People don’t freak out wondering if I’m plotting to kill them based purely on their inability to pronounce my name.”
Noah also takes great measures maintaining a physical appearance that’s virtually indistinguishable from those around him. While he occasionally grows facial hair, Noah’s never attempted growing a longer, full beard commonly associated with angry Muslims trying to destroy their surroundings.
When asked about Noah’s facial hair, longtime coworker Jenny Patowski responded, “Who?”
“Oh yeah, that guy,” she recalled. “I never really noticed him but I guess he likes the lumbersexual look? I see him in the elevator sometimes but honestly, he’s so boring.”
“Adam’s the kind of guy you could have a beer with…if he drank, you know…beer,” commented another co-worker. “I saw him praying once, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t wish for the death and destruction of society.”
Noah’s Muslim friends also appreciate his ability to fade into the background.
“If we’re hanging out, he doesn’t get in your face if the game’s headed into overtime during Maghrib. He slides out to pray by himself so you don’t feel guilty,” stated Jaleel Akbar, a friend from Noah’s soccer league. “Salman, on the other hand, shouted the call to prayer at Buffalo Wild Wings last week.”
Many of his neighbors are willing to tolerate Noah’s general presence in their community.
“I feel moderately comfortable living next door to him,” stated one neighbor. “He hasn’t yet demonstrated any of the violent behaviors the media has patterned me to believe he’s inclined towards.”
“I’m packing heat, just in case,” added the neighbor, firing two rounds into the air.
At press time, an undercover FBI operative was attempting to radicalize Noah at the local grocery store.