NEW YORK, NY – Fox News is reporting that following his decision to leave the boy band One Direction, Zayn Malik has intentions to join man band ISIS.
“He was contacted by an ISIS recruiter on Instagram about three years ago,” reported Fox News foreign correspondent Jack Asturd. “We hear [Malik] rejected their initial offer of 72 virgins, a Russian SVT-40 semi-automatic rifle and $500 in cash.”
Asturd detailed that ISIS made a counter offer last month, upping the ante to 685 virgins, an AK-47 rifle, $525 cash and an honorary MD degree from the University of Mosul.
“We believe the MD degree sealed the deal as it’s virtually the sixth pillar of Islam for many Muslims,” stated Asturd. “We’re also hearing unconfirmed reports they’re throwing in a law and engineering degree.”
Upon hearing this, One Direction fans made numerous incoherent statements while openly weeping, snorting, and smearing mucus over their pimple-covered faces.
However one fan noted the music industry was a “great primer from Malik” citing similarities with ISIS including warring factions, weapons, and heavy involvement with the drug trade.