EL PASO, TX – The wave of anti-Muslim sentiment continued earlier today as the “Freedom of Speech Rally III” moved ahead with their “Sculpt Mohammed” contest, despite a slew of backlash and difficulties. Event organizer Robert “Billy Bob” Williams devised the concept while heavily intoxicated and watching televised coverage “Freedom of Speech Rally II.”
“There was this CAIR guy hollering how Muslims don’t want no artwork of Mohammed on account of idol worship or some idealization crap,” explained Williams. “I said to myself, Billy Bob, you can’t draw worth a damn but you can carve up some rocks. Let’s teach these Arabs some good old-fashioned American freedom!”
“Then I crapped myself and passed out,” added Williams.
Williams somehow managed to have Amazon.com ship an estimated 30 tons of granite, marble and limestone to an open field yesterday and that’s when his plans began to unravel.
“Carving stone of this size is a painstaking process that can take anywhere from 3 to 6 months,” explained one participant. “They booked this venue for eight hours.”
Dozens were injured as amateur sculptors feverishly fumbled with chisels, hammers and an assortment of power tools. One reporter was seriously injured by flying shrapnel when a participant attempted to sculpt with his Gloc-9 firearm.
“I’m willing to die protecting the first amendment with the second amendment!” noted the participant. When asked to name other amendments or the basic premise of the constitution, the man declined to comment and shouted, “Liberals!”
Despite being a largely nonviolent event, some Muslim counter-protestors pelted statues with stones however contestants were happy to have additional material to work with.
In an ironic twist, one participant carved a figure resembling the Virgin Mary and others flocked to a makeshift altar surrounding the statue.
The winning entry, a Play-Doh sculpture entitled “Ball with Stick on Top,” was from three-year-old Mark Davidson from Dallas, Texas.
Williams believes the event was sabotaged by unspecified “terrorists” and vowed to continue efforts of hatred, paranoia, self-promotion and vanity in the name of freedom.
