Paducah, KY – John McAllister isn’t leaving anything to chance. The 28 year old bald-shaven, blue-eyed Kentucky native with a troubled past, is determined to follow through on a premeditated scheme of carnage; one that he says will have to be reported on as an act of terrorism.
“I gotta get this right,” says McAllister as he taps his shiny black Dr. Martens boots against the desk. He carefully reviews his plan of attack, along with floor plans of an undisclosed office building. To date, he’s run through several simulation drills and compiled an inventory of evidence for a probable investigation.
“Did you know of the last 22 mass shootings in this country, only one was labeled a terrorist act? And do you know why that one was? Because the dude was brown… Immigrants are messin’ up EVERYTHING. Not anymore!”
A nervous McAllister then paces around his office, one that is adorned with nazi symbols and white supremacist rhetoric.
“They’re going to try to peg the ‘shooter’ label on me. Don’t let them… DO NOT LET THEM… It’s so condescending.”
McAllister pulls out a short stack of items he hopes the authorities will find during an inevitable raid of his two-bedroom apartment.
“Here’s a binder that should serve as a manifesto, leaving no doubt that my plan is to inflict maximum damage on civilians and my motive is driven by my vision of an immigrant-free USA. I’ve also included a manila folder with my medical records — full analysis of my mental health, demonstrating my impeccable sanity, just in case they attempt the whole ‘mentally-ill’ angle on me.”
Shortly following, McAllister holds up a homemade DVD with the words ‘Terrorism Evidence’ scribbled across the top surface with a permanent marker.
“Now this is the crowning achievement, the catch-all if you will. This has videos of me training on a jungle gym and stumbling across an obstacle course. In case, you know, they need background stock footage for all that endless coverage they like to do.”
The soon to be shooter – ehem – terrorist, also calls out one video in which he repeats the phrase ‘This is terrorism” non-stop for 10 minutes.
“Unfortunately I won’t be around to hear what they end up calling it, since I plan to shoot myself afterwards. We typically do that, you know? That’s why the folks on the news nearly always get it wrong. Brown people equal terrorism, white people equal mentally ill shooters. I wish the world would just see us for the extremist we really are. I guess that’s affirmative action for ya.”
As the clock struck noon, John McAllister polished his assault rifle, packed in it a carrying case, and then eagerly headed out the door.
Disclaimer: Islamica News is a comedic, satirical publication. Content, characters and events depicted on this site are fictitious and any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
