ABUJA, NIGERIA – As the uproar continues over the kidnapping of hundreds of young girls in Nigeria, leaders from Boko Haram, a group of maniacs with guns, has expressed astonishment at the backlash.
“It’s kind of amazing, we didn’t expect this kind of reaction,” stated First Lieutenant Shaka Zulu. “I thought nobody cared what’s going on here. More than 150k dead in Syria, 2 million in Palestine … and then one day, our social media manager shows up with all this chatter.”
Upon reading numerous open letters, Facebook statuses and tweets, Boko Haram leaders are dumbfounded.
“Look, we’re crazy but we still have feelings,” shouted Colonel Shakeel Oneel while firing his AK-47 randomly into a crowd, killing four subordinates. “Some of those mean tweets really hurt.”
Many on social media have also resorted to changing their avatars or icons or whatever you call them. Florida Teen Jessica Alvarez, who last changed her avatar thingy when Gap rebranded their logo, joined the chorus earlier this week.
“Look at the good we did when Gap pulled that crap,” mentioned Alvarez. “I’m sure we can make lightning strike twice.”
The social efforts seem to be working as Boko Haram stated they intend to return the girls once this article reaches 50,000 Facebook likes. For real. Not really. They’re crazy, remember?
“By Allah, I am a madman,” exclaimed leader Abubakar Shekau as he slit the throat of his first lieutenant upon suspecting dissent. “But if it’s the will of the people, we’ll return the girls once we trend on Twitter.”
Shekau underscored his insanity by also demanding an unprecedented 20 “+1’s on Google Plus.”
Sadly as with many past crises, Muslim countries remain largely silent on the matter. The lone exception was Turkey, who released a statement that popular Turkish clown ‘Bozo Halal’ is not affiliated with the conflict in any manner.