DEARBORN, MI – Last night Crossroads, the popular Muslim television network, debuted the second season of its much-maligned “Fast vs. Food” television series. The premise of the show consists of the host, Azam Raqman, being presented a mouth-watering assortment of foods while fasting. The challenge is to simply not consume the food presented. However in the 8-episode pilot run last year Raqman undertook 16 challenges, failing 15 times.
“The only time he didn’t eat everything in front of his face was that episode at Habib’s Crab Shack,” noted one viewer. “And that’s only because they illegally reopened for the show. They’ve been shut down repeatedly for health code violations.”
Despite dismal viewership last season, Crossroads denied the show has “jumped the shark” as doing so would imply some gain in viewership through the season. Regardless, Crossroads demanded some changes for the second season and introduced an electrocution device triggered every time Raqman salivates.
“They were teasing it during commercials for the show,” stated one of the few fans of the show. “That has to be some kind of ethics violation, no?”
In the Season 2 debut, Raqman was zapped eight times while lustfully gazing at his attractive co-host, Sabrina Akhtar. A tearful, shaken Raqman was then presented his challenge and proceeded to wait approximately two minutes before failing – devouring three hamburgers, a side of chili cheese fries and washing it down with a jug of sweet tea.
Scientists estimate he was electrocuted “in the neighborhood of 75-100 times” during the challenge, burning most of his body hair and forcing Raqman to lose consciousness while drinking his beverage.
“Judging by the smell we’re fairly certain he defecated, as well,” stated paramedics on the scene.
Raqman was rushed to the hospital and is currently in serious condition, being treated for electrical burns on his neck, back, thighs and buttocks.