MOBILE, AL – “This is no normal Sunday,” says a proud Naveed Abu Jalil from the Mobile chapter of the Jammat-e-Modawa. No normal Sunday indeed. No worrying how all 12 members will fit into their ’83 primer gray Ford Econoline van. No fear of having to pull off the big interstate only to be peering blankly into an overheated radiator. No drudgery of carrying 12 bags of pita from the van to the nearest rest area.
“Like I said, no normal Sunday!”
Plagued by a number of hapless instances, the jamaat decided it was time to address their lack of a reliable means of transportation. Last week, Abu Jalil deviated from his routine of showing up to various residences unexpectedly and took his posse of middle-aged Muslim males to a celebrity auction held in the outskirts of Mobile.
Rashad Tilawi, a new member of the Jamaat reflected on the planning of this large endeavor.
“Boss [referring to Abu Jalil] said the best way we could address the need was to go to this celebrittney spears auction, so then I thought… okay boss!” Tilawi then cleared his throat and spit out a huge wad of phlegm.
The Jamaat returned from the auction quite pleased, sporting two vans used in past television sitcoms.
“We held an unveiling of the vans ceremony yesterday after the local community potluck,” Abu Jalil said. “It was quite a spectacle, you should have been there.”
The ceremony included undraping the vans, one of which was “The Mystery Machine” from the show Scooby Doo, and the other being from “The A-Team.”
“You can’t find deals like this on eBay, baby!” exclaimed Tilawi.
Youngest Member Waheed Muzzamil reflected on his partaking of yesterday’s events.
“When Rashad pulled the bed sheet off the van, I opened up the sliding door yelling ‘scooby dooby dooooo!'”
The energetic young Muzzamil dazzled everyone with his less than accurate impressions of the cartoon dog. “Then I downed a bag of those tasty Scooby Snacks, which between you and me, were really burned pakoras.”
Muzzamil concluded his performance by inadvertently slipping on his broken bathroom slipper.
The Jamaat has future plans to mold its member’s personalities to that of the characters from the television shows.
“But let me say this, we have to establish the ground rules!” Abu Jalil sternly pointed out. “My men can be anyone they want, but whoever plays the Velma or Daphne must wear hijab, and can’t go sneaking off with Fred in the middle of the show!”
Abu Jalil provided his discourse of a Muslim Mr. T as well. “He must call himself Brother T, wear silver chains, and put on a mohawk kufee.”
Abu Jalil is also optimistic about local Muslims actually opening the door when the Jamaat pulls up in their driveways.
“If you see The A-Team in your driveway, you just have to open the door because, hey, A-Team, you know?”