BALOCHISTAN, PAKISTAN – Speaking before a small crowd in the village square, Rubina Akhtar expressed her gratitude over multiple recent attempts at murdering her to preserve the dignity and honor of her family and community.
The 25-year-old rape victim was viciously attacked three weeks ago and her assailants remain at large. Rather than focusing on apprehending the perpetrators, tribal elders elected to stone two witnesses to death and are currently focusing their efforts on honor killing Akhtar.
“Words can’t express my profound gratitude over the numerous attempts at ending my life,” stated Akhtar. “I agree we shouldn’t inconvenience the teenagers who brutally raped me. I obviously did something wrong to bring out their natural urges to rape women, children and occasionally other men.”
Despite four attempts at honor killing Akhtar, villagers have thus far been unsuccessful.
Village leader Wali Kayoti, known for his dramatic flair, insisted on making an example of Akhtar and many have criticized his elaborate attempts for being too “over the top” and ineffective.
Kayoti initially instructed a band of toddlers to bludgeon her with broken glass bottles, but that only resulted in minor injures. An attempt to tie Akhtar to a pole and blow her up with dynamite resulted in the death of the village explosives expert due to premature detonation.
“I feel bad for him,” commented Akhtar. “He will hopefully be a shaheed for his efforts.”
An attempted acid attack was abandoned as villagers lacked a basic understanding of chemistry. The most recent attempt, launching Akhtar into outer space on a rocket, was also abandoned due to similar lack of scientific knowledge.
“My village is unfortunately full of many idiots,” explained Akhtar. “Thankfully, they’re very persistent so someone will hopefully put me out of my misery soon. A girl can only endure so much honor.”
At press time, Kayoti was instructing villagers to build a 7-foot tall lota to attempt drowning Akhtar.