MILWAUKEE, WI – Overweight Muslims everywhere are collectively dreading the start of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month that includes obligatory fasting from sunrise to sunset. Many lament giving up their habits of constant snacking and excessive consumption of sugary beverages.
“Why can’t we be more like Catholics? They give up sitcoms for lent,” questioned one large, bearded man. “I need my food. And drink. And seconds. And maybe another refill.”
Since the weak and ill are excused from fasting, many rotund Muslims have resorted to arbitrarily self-diagnosing themselves with “low blood sugar.”
“It’s the ideal loophole,” noted a longtime user of this excuse. “I don’t even know what blood sugar is, but it sounds delicious.”
Advances in technology, however, have enabled many to use Google search and realize a diagnosis of “low glucose” requires evaluation by qualified medical professionals.
This has forced many fat Muslims to get more creative with their excuses.
“I need to eat. I think I might be pregnant,” mentioned a visibly strained Muslim woman. Despite having the appearance of being eight months pregnant, her husband claimed she uses this excuse every year.
And there’s Sufwan Elahi who claims he’s “still too young” to fast, despite being 24 years old.
“Xbox, pause. I need my [Mountain] Dew and jerky,” explained Elahi while gaming furiously in his basement. “Titanfall isn’t the same without it. Xbox, help!”
Perhaps the most creative excuse, however, belongs 49-Year old Milwaukee native Mudassir Ben Aissa. He regularly converts to Buddhism one week prior to the start of Ramadan and reconverts back to Islam upon the moon sighting declaring the end of Ramadan.
“I’m rolling the dice, so I’m hoping I don’t get hit by a bus during that window of time,” stated Ben Aissa. “But it’s an acceptable risk knowing that I can keep eating Big Macs.”
