New York, NY – A grand jury comprised of Muftis, Imams, and other variants of Muslim successfully indicted a ham sandwich late Thursday, as there was “compelling” evidence towards the dubious composition of the popular food item.
The 13 member jury gathered in the afternoon and sat through videos, photos and testimonies surrounding the sandwich and the events leading into making it.
“This is going to be an open-and-shut case,” said Abdul Wallace, District Attorney of the Queens Borough. “Even if there is no evidence, you can always indict a ham sandwich.”
They can and they did.
Muslim Juror #3, who asked to remain anonymous, said the process was fairly easy, saying, “I’ve been indicting ham sandwiches my WHOLE life!”
Over the past 10 years, Abdul Wallace has successfully indicted food items such as pepperoni pizza, strips of bacon, bacon bits, smoked sausage, marshmallows, gummy bears, and Skittles. In addition to food, Wallace has also indicted cheap leather goods of the spotted variety, and many bath soaps.
Wallace, who has been working as a DA for twenty years, admits he does not have a perfect record in indictments. Back in the early-nineties, Wallace was trying to get a grand jury to indict a bag of Doritos, focusing on the enzymes in its cheese. Most of the evidence was flaky and witness accounts were hearsay.
His frustration grew a few years later when a grand jury of Muslims refused to indict a bag of McDonald’s French fries.
“I guess you have a grand jury and you have the court of public opinion,” says Wallace. “They often don’t interpret the evidence in the same way.”
Overall, however, Wallace has been successful with his grand juries, and continues to search for other delectable, yet indictable dishes.