FOREST PARK, IL – Seemingly living under a rock for his entire life, Yasir Iman, a Forest Park native, still believes marshmallows are halal.
“They are!” exclaimed the visibly infuriated 25-year old while eating a bag of Jet-Puff marsmallows.
A slave to the gooey substance, Yasir has lived almost exclusively off marshmallows, in various forms, for the past three years according to close relatives.
“I’ve been trying to explain this whole thing to him for a few months now, but he just won’t listen,” stated Ali Qureshi, a friend of the Iman family. “Whenever anyone says anything, he just starts throwing chairs and pretending he’s possessed.”
Many area residents have also had sour encounters with the troubled youth.
“He starts throwing things around and yelling and screaming like a woman,” said 49-year old Nancy Kinders, who lives down the block from the Iman family, “What’s the big deal? They’re only marshmallows.”
Apparently unknown to Mrs. Kinders and Yasir, most marshmallows made in the US, with the exception of those marked with a ‘K’ for ‘Kosher’, contain a compound called gelatin – which is a popular euphemism for “phlegm and puss that rises to the top when you boil the bones of animals (commonly pigs) in a huge vat of water”.
When informed of possible dangers involved the consumption of gelatin, Yasir was truly baffled and still in apparent denial.
“What’s ‘consumption’ supposed to mean?” he asked, “They can’t be haram!!! Does this mean that I can’t eat Lucky Charms anymore?”