Chicago, IL – A brown man accidentally won a stare contest Sunday afternoon, as he markedly outperformed all participants at the annual ‘Stare if You Care’ charity event.
28-year-old Sachan Damaraju, originally from Calcutta, India, glared at contestants from the corner of the tournament hall as they walked around. Judges unanimously declared him the clear winner after Damaraju maintained 18 ‘stare hours,’ shattering the previous record of only 3 hours.
Damaraju went on to stare at everything else that moved.
“In all my years, I’ve never seen such an intense display of concentration,” said impressed competition chairperson David Williams. “His focus… impervious to any distraction the audience threw at him.”
Williams then leaned in and whispered, “Don’t look, but he’s staring at us right now.”
Williams also observed that Damaraju’s beaming eyes especially intensified when the other contestants were brown.
“It’s almost like there was this unspoken symbiotic connection.”
Apparently Damaraju is completely unaware he actively participated in the stare contest. When asked about his creepy yet overwhelmingly successful methods, he seemed perplexed.
“Stare competition?” said the Computer Science PhD student. “I know not what you talks buddy.”
Damaraju’s future plans include staring at a girl in his class he suspects is Indian, and registering for blinking lessons.