NEWARK, NJ – Muslims believe Shaitan – also known as the Devil – is chained up during the month of Ramadan, but few understand details of how this annual ceremony unfolds. Speaking candidly for the first time, Shaitan shared details of his annual break including the fact it isn’t something he looks forward to.
“I was commanded to be in chains, so I visit distant relatives here in [New] Jersey for a couple of weeks,” stated the visibly-distraught Ruler of the Underworld. “They’re a bunch of pricks, but the rules are the rules.”
He elaborated his extended family, many of whom appeared in past episodes of MTV’s “Jersey Shore,” are a miserable, orange-skinned bunch and singled out his brother-in-law as a “know-it-all who talks [crap] all the time.”
Shaitan noted how unsafe he felt about the neighborhood and stated he’d be “scared for his life” if he was capable of dying.
“I’m pretty sure the neighbors are running a meth lab out of their kitchen,” he explained. “And the lady across the street has more cats than brain cells.”
The Dark Lord, who some speculate may actually be a jinn, added he’s “fed up” with his cousins constant social checkins stating he’s “gonna lift” and noted their Instagram feeds are “full of the most banal, narcissistic [stuff] you can imagine.”
“Being here makes me feel like I’m in chains. I hate everyone. I just sit there in the basement, zoning out and playing video games all day.”
The Devil noted he’s occasionally tempted to whisper and try his mystical powers of suggestion on relatives, but ultimately always fails as they “are a bunch of stubborn jerks won’t listen to a damn thing [he], or anyone else for that matter, says.”
As a consequence, Shaitan explained the trip lunges him deeply into depression and claimed he’s gained an average of 75 pounds every year during his visit.
“I have to try like hell to lose all that extra weight afterwards,” stated Shaitan, chuckling after noticing the unintended pun in his “try like hell” metaphor.
“Seriously, though, Jersey is worse than hell,” remarked the Shaitan. “I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. Oh wait, now I remember. But this is excessive.”