Distressed Hairorist


Dear Islamica,

I know it’s Sunnah to grow a beard, but I can only seem to grow a mustache. What’s a girl to do?

– Hairy Huma

Although we applaud your efforts at achieving follicular Sunnah, we’re pretty sure that growing a beard applies only to males.

If you’re intent on sporting a beard, however, you can always ingest hormones to catalyze hair growth. Of course, there is a strong propensity for unwanted hair growth and violent mood swings, accompanied by irritability and random nausea.

You might want to consider another option, which is to shave the barren facial area several times a day to spur rapid hair growth.

We’re reminded of the story of a man we’ll anonymously call “Mirza Baig”.

He desperately wanted to grow a goatee at the young age of 13. Consequently, he shaved his chin and surrounding areas incessantly, anywhere from 3-10 times daily. In a matter of two weeks, Mirza had a flourishing, Brillo-Pad of a goatee and was the very reason his Jr. High had to implement a “Facial Hair” clause in the Code of Conduct booklet.

So shave on sister, there is hope for you yet!

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