WASHINGTON, DC – Speaking before a crowd of paranoid reporters last week, the FBI announced it’s foiled yet another insidious domestic plot.
“Over the past several months, we’ve been spying…err, closely monitoring the activities of Islamics and Islam and Muslimites,” stated disheveled FBI Spokesman Mike Jacobs, while shuffling stacks of papers. “Anyway long story short, we observed a lot of these Muslims are chronically late to everything. We believe this to be a mass-coordinated tardiness effort that’s caused billions in lost productivity each year.”
“We had to strike quickly,” added Jacobs. “They’re all awake now. Otherwise, they would’ve been even later to work or wherever they’re supposed to be.”
The announcement sent shockwaves through the Muslim community.
“This is quite a wake up call,” stated CAIR Spokesman Ali Ibrahim with an apparently unintended, though highly appropriate pun. “The Muslim community denounces all forms of laterrorism.”
Social media reactions have also started to trickle in, with one Islamophobic commenter noting, “I didn’t think ragheads could have bedhead too, but I guess I was wrong.”