CAMBRIDGE, MA – Speaking via webcast yesterday, scientists at the Haram and Very Makruh (HVM) Institute announced a breakthrough, allowing them to stealthily infuse pork-based molecules into virtually all forms of food.
“This is the kind of edible innovation we’ve worked tirelessly to achieve,” stated Lead Research Dr. Taem Marah. “Game over.”
Marah explained the revolutionary, patent-pending process begins with vaporizing an entire swine, which is subsequently condensed through a 12-step process into its ultimate, super haram liquid form.
“The Haram Activity Mass, or HAM as we refer to it, within this new compound is off the charts,” noted Dr. Marah, laughing sheepishly. “This is quantifiably 100 times more haram than any other compound on the planet, including [previous record holder] Porkohol.”
“From baked goods to soft drinks…even bottled water, this new colorless, flavorless, odorless haramity creates new and exciting opportunities to trick unsuspecting Muslims everywhere.”
Upon hearing news of this new compound, Area Aunty Mehmooda Shakeel suffered a massive coronary.
“First the rennet in the cheese and now the this?!” she remarked, while being loaded into the back of an ambulance.
At press time, your paranoid uncle is suffering convulsions at the very thought of this.
