Whitehorse, Yukon – Fearing predictable repercussions after yesterday’s mass shooting, lone wolf Randy Wolfowitz held a press conference on Thursday sharply condemning terrorism in all its forms. A visibly frustrated Wolfowitz clearly expressed his contempt for the senseless violence conducted in his name.
“Let there be no doubt… I unequivocally condemn any acts of violence by other so-called lone wolves,” said the self-proclaimed alpha wolf. “This goes against a commitment to the wolf code of conduct that I’ve mutually agreed to amongst myself.”
When asked if he spoke on behalf the rest of his pack, the gray wolf said he only represented himself.
“I’m a lone wolf, remember?”
Wolfowitz also said he will begin public relations campaigns and outreach programs to combat any negative stereotypes against his marginalized persona.
“The irony of it all is that lone wolves are incredibly timid and complacent creatures. I’m actually a really fun guy to be around. I like comedy, fitness, philanthropic stuff, and of course paw licking… Oh my god I LOVE to lick my paws!”
“It’s not until I get with the pack that things get crazy… that’s when things go ape shit. But technically I’m not a lone wolf at that point.”
Wolfowitz then abruptly ended the press conference to howl at the moon.