Saudi Ariba, Mexico – In a fast-paced outcome, Masjid-ul-Speedy Gonzales announced its congregation will complete taraweeh tonight, twenty-three days earlier than scheduled. Taraweeh is an evening supplication typically performed during Ramadan and consists of a recitation of the entire Holy Quran. Because the prayer includes all verses from the holy book, Muslims will spread taraweeh over 30 days. However, due to the Imam’s rapid pace, the Mexican mosque is expected to complete Taraweeh much, much earlier.
“Señor Imam Speedy is incredibly fast in his recitation,” says long time mosque attendant Sylvester the cat, as he wiped the drool from his rodent-fasting mouth. “Suffering succotash, it’s hard to keep up with him.”
Other members have expressed similar concerns, saying that followers find it difficult to identify which chapter of the Quran the Imam is reciting.
“The Imam was going so fast last night, I didn’t even know which surah we were on,” said whiplash victim Ibrahim Lopez.
“I’m pretty sure it was the verse that goes ‘¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! ¡Epa! Yeehaw!'”
Lopez was so disturbed he looked up at the Imam during the prayer, only to find a small dust cloud preceded by a cartoon sound effect of something running away fast.
Mosque officials are expecting full attendance of tonight’s final prayer, although some are concerned that the Imam will be finished by the time congregants arrive.