WASHINGTON, DC – In response to escalating hostilities from the terrorist group known as ISIS, US President Barack Obama is finalizing preps for a live, televised execution of a random prisoner from the US Guantanamo Bay torture chamber.
“There needs to be a clear, decisive response to these barbaric ISIS executions and we must respond in kind,” stated the Command in Chief. “I’m the head of the executive branch and by God, I will execute this man.”
Since the beheading of two US journalists the US has been under constant pressure to react, particularly from the right wing conservatives. Obama finally caved in to pressure to retaliate.
“Look, I tried to shut down Gitmo and that didn’t happen. For many of those prisoners, death is probably a far better outcome than continuing to live in that hell hole,” stated the President. “Truth be told, the man I kill tonight could very well be innocent, but it’s no different than those ISIS animals killing innocent journalists. An eye for an eye!”
In a rare moment of bipartisan unison, the house vote for execution had nearly unanimous support from conservatives and liberals alike.
The only dissenters, congressman Keith Ellison (D-MN) and Andre Carson (D-IN) were strangely absent from the voting session.