CHICAGO, IL – As fast as they turned religious, liberal Muslims all over the world headed back to their mischievous routines as another Ramadan came to a close. The holy month is one of spirituality and cleansing, and Muslims often use this time to abstain from ill habits and worldly indulgences.
“It’s a time where I can’t blast Fifty Cent in my ride, fo shnizzles,” said Notre Dame Freshman, Ibrahim Sulaiman.
Black Sheep Muslims, or ‘Haramees’ as they’re often called by their holier peers, usually face a re-adjustment period up to two weeks after Ramadan.
“The week after Ramadan is strange,” noted 22 Year Old Musa Hathout. “It’s like ‘Oh man, I’m eating. Then it’s like, ‘Oh [crap], I’m cursing… and then it’s like ‘HOLY [expletive]! I’m sippin on whiskey all up in da club and not payin my taxes.’ But not necessarily in that order.”
Many Black Sheep Muslims follow non-orthodox logic during Ramadan, abstaining from actions ordinarily considered forbidden year-round.
“There’s like this science to preparing for Ramadan,” explained Hathout. “40 days before Ramadan, you can’t drink alcohol. That stuff’s gotta be out of your system if you want your fast to count.”
Many Muslims disagree with Hathout, however, and clarify alcohol is forbidden regardless of the time of year.
16 Year Old Aisha Siddiqui feels guilty not being as disciplined now that Ramadan is over.
“The other day I was thinking, man, that Christina Aguilera is so messed up. But then I realized I’m not the most perfect person in the world either. I mean last month I overslept a tahajood prayer. Cast me away with the rest of the crackheads.”
Shortly thereafter, Siddiqui was given a wedgie by her own mother.
As the haramees flock back to nightclubs and their music, the aura of yet another Ramadan fades away.
Expressing his sentiments at the end of the holy month, Hathout remarked, “All that fasting made me hungry, ya know what I’m sayin?”