COLUMBUS, OH – Expressing frustrations with his repeated ‘Ghandi’ references last year, Southwood Elementary Fourth Grader Mike “Mikey” Washington is making efforts to expand his insult repertoire in the new year.
“You need your go-to’s and ‘Ghandi’ has been good to me,” noted Washington. “But I can’t become complacent. I admit I’m lacking in worldliness but I need to expand my merciless horizons.”
During a press conference, Washington read new insults from a crumpled sheet of paper he removed from his back pocket. The nine-year old grew increasingly frustrated as he struggled to read his own handwriting due to poor penmanship and a lack of adequate school supplies.
“Turban…turb…turdban? I can’t read this one. Wacky Iraqi? Hah I like that one,” proclaimed Washington. “Oh wait, here’s a good one! Camel! And Osama…maybe that’s still culturally offensive?”
Classmate Feroz Habeeb stated he’s disappointed Washington didn’t transfer, but hopes “Mikey” mixes it up and distributes the bullying to other kids. One of Washington’s favorite targets, Habeeb suffered repeated bullying last year and three “monster” wedgies, one requiring minor hospitalization.
“Mikey’s is a real jerk,” noted Habeeb, while unpacking his lunch. “It’s bad enough the teachers can’t pronounce my name and we don’t have lotas in the bathroom.”
At press time Washington demonstrated his new move, the “Curry Wedgie,” by pouring Habeeb’s rice and lentil lunch down his pants, lifting him one foot off the ground by his underwear, and referring to him as “Ghandi” numerous times.