WESTERVILLE, OH – Earlier today, an upper-middle class suburban family came forward with allegations of harassment based on their religion and culture. In a 20-page memorandum released to local press, the Hamid family outlined incidents of patterned, coordinated harassment from local businesses, government, friends and neighbors.
“We’re surrounded by Islamophobes,” claimed family patriarch Dr. Farouk Hamid. “My son endures the pain of not being allowed to use his iPad in private school. He loves his iPad. Why they gotta do that?”
He added his older son was picked last for the soccer team “at least twice, maybe three times” and is frequently bullied at lunchtime due to his mother lovingly packing “biryani sandwiches” for his meal.
Their male offspring aren’t alone. Dr. Hamid noted that after getting braces, his daughter once received “a funny look by the girl at Yogen Fruz.” Many of the seven Hamid children are mentioned in other similar claims.
Mrs. Hamid criticized the lack of local halal restaurants serving anything “beyond Arab or South Asian cuisine,” and noted the lack of “suitable marriage prospects” for their oldest son, a failed medical school experiment.
She also claims the Amazon.com delivery man often doesn’t ring the doorbell more than once, citing difficulty hearing the bell in parts of their 5000 square foot home.
Dr. Hamid added they’ve dealt with lengthy delays “in excess of two weeks” to obtaining permits for a planned home addition. “I’m confident the construction process goes more smoothly for non-Muslims,” he commented.
“Ever since 9/11, we’ve been persecuted everywhere we go,” stated Dr. Hamid in reference to their recent vacation in the Bahamas. He explained that resort staff were often times “rude and uncourteous, staring like they’re waiting for a tip or something.” He added hotel management ignored their repeated requests “private beach sunbathing time” due to Mrs. Hamid’s modesty requirements.
“I don’t understand,” said Dr. Hamid. “Why are our names constantly, deliberately mispronounced everywhere we go? We have a flag in front of our house just like all the other neighbors. Why did those same neighbors have to password-protect their wi-fi? We all know why. It starts with I, ends in A and rhymes with…umm, Islamaphobia.”
The Hamid’s Muslim neighbor was witnessed shaking his head in apparent disbelief.