Will Someone Please Marry My Ugly Sister?

"Marry Her!"

Written By Riaz “Unibrow” Sayeed

Seriously. I’m getting sick of this. My dad is freaking out. My mom can’t sleep and walks around all day crying. Nobody’s interested in my hooking up with my sister.

She’s been single her whole life. That’s 30 years of solitary misery for the poor girl.

The last time we had a guy come to our house for a marriage scenario, he asked her, “Excuse me brother, but where is your sister?”

I don’t think she’s that bad looking. They say that the truest form of beauty is on the inside, right?

Well, it must be buried pretty deep.

Don’t get me wrong. She’s not that bad looking. People say she bears a strong resemblance to Barry White so it can’t hurt to resemble a celebrity. I think she resembles Barry in her voice more than looks, but who am I to judge.

My folks got really desperate last summer and rented out a booth at ISNA for her. It was way in the back of the bazaar with a sign that read, “For The Sake of Allah, Please Marry Me”. One guy stopped by but he was just asking where the bathroom was.

My sister thinks that guys aren’t interested in her because she doesn’t wear hijab. I tell her to flat out go for the niqab. She needs all the help she can get. Shoot, wear sunglasses with that niqab while you’re at it.

We registered her on one of those matrimonial sites but they keep turning down her membership because they think that the pictures are fake or it’s a joke of some kind.

I guess that in the end, we’re all destined to end up with someone, right?

Let’s just hope that guy comes along before my mother starts interviewing the blind.

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