CHICAGO, IL – Authorities are regaining control of the Kedzie Avenue region after another weekend of violence in Chicago. Hostilities erupted Sunday afternoon when the Zabiha-only “Devon Boyz” gang made a lunch visit to Habib’s Halal Meat & Cash Advance, a prominent middle eastern deli/financial institution.
“He said something like ‘slalekum’ and he ask me if the food is Halal. I say yes, brother, of course,” stated shop owner Hussain Malik. “Then he asks about my subblier and wants their numbers and I say ‘Brother it’s busy lunchtime, lemme get next guy’ and he sbits the baan and calls me the liar!”
Witnesses of the incident included several members of the rival “Halalala” gang, who immediately rushed to the aid of the shop owner.
“At first I thought they was haggling over the prices and was all ‘Yo akhi, you gotta pay what we paid, ain’t no discounts!’ and he’s all ‘You’re eating haram meat!’, and I’m all ‘Just cuz it ain’t zabiha don’t mean it’s haram, respect my choices you oily mother#@$#!’,” stated Halalala member Anwar Owaisi. “They obviously don’t have any f*@^ing respect for the variances of opinion of what constitutes permissible meat consumption, dawg.”
A scuffle ensued and witnesses noted numerous chests thumped, mobile phones slapped to the ground, and verbal insults of mothers and other family members. Thankfully, there were no reports of major injury outside of one case of explosive diarrhea from Shakeel “Sprinkles” Ahmed, a Devon Boy who earned the nickname due to his frequent digestive issues.
“Shakeel always has the leaky butts, but at least he knows halal is halal!” shouted a Devon Boy. “Arab halal is fake halal. Zabiha Life! Calculations are haram!”
Further incident was avoided as both gangs realized they were late returning to work at various cell phone kiosks across the area.
