Schaumburg, IL – In response to mounting pressure from the community, mosque officials issued a press release about their socially awkward Imam, assuring members that he is scandal-free.
“After an exhaustive assessment of Imam Khalid Azeem’s activities, the board has found no improper behavior, and ZERO opportunities for any allegations at this time,” said ISGS President Ibrahim Latif.
“With his inability to connect to the youth, his irrelevant sermons, and his inapproachable demeanor, Brother Khalid remains harmless to even the most vulnerable members of our community.”
Latif went on to note that Azeem’s online personality is just as trivial, with only 8 followers on Twitter (mostly family members) and a Facebook page that’s rarely updated. He once accidentally streamed a sermon live on Facebook while his phone was in his pocket.
Latif also mentioned that the mosque tracked the Imam’s free-time activities, saying that Azeem spends an exorbitant amount of time miswak-ing his teeth.
“He really goes to town on that upper left cuspid.”
One member of the community remarked that Azeem’s last sermon, ‘Don’t Do Bad Things and Stuff,’ mostly implored worshippers to use only one paper towel after performing wudu.
Azeem, who has been Imam at the mosque for over five years, fulfills his role in a bare minimum fashion. Aside from sermons and prayers, Azeem occasionally attends community outreach activities with very limited participation.
Senior Pastor John Denna, whose Lutheran Church is adjacent to the ISGC, describes his interactions with Azeem as “challenging.”
“At last week’s interfaith dialogue, he walked in, shook our hand, mumbled something about Jesus also being a Prophet in Islam, and then hid behind a curtain for the rest of the night,” said a perplexed Denna.
“We knew he was hiding there. You could see his bathroom slippers poking out from the bottom of the curtains.”
The ISGS will continue to monitor Azeem, and anticipates it will be “business as usual” with their less than engaging Imam.