Saturday, December 10, 2016

In Other News

Voting Is Haram, Warns Man Nobody Wants to Hang Out With

Local mosque-goers are complaining about an increasingly irritable man hovering around their mosque. The man, identified as 27-year-old Haroun Khaleel, has been handing out anti-voting flyers for the past month and the situation appears...

Muslim Cubs Fan Looks Forward to Being Only Sober Person in the Room

Chicago, IL - The atmosphere is electric on the eve of game seven of the World Series. Legions of long-suffering Cubs fans are busy getting hammered at local bars in preparation for the first...

Tableeghi Jamaat Picks Terrible Day for Halloween Dawa’ah

In a developing story, members of a local Tableeghi Jamaat are currently horrified their anti-Halloween dawah event is backfiring. The event was originally scheduled for last week but experienced numerous delays as jama'at members...

Muslim Man Can’t Discuss Playboy Controversy Without Getting Aroused

Nervous Perspective - The following is a perspective piece written by Saleem Ali whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. Hey guys, it's me Saleem Ali...

Presidential Candidates Get Swirly Thingies in Eyes When Asked About Israel

Hempstead, NY – A strange, paranormal-like moment transpired during the Presidential debate Monday evening when both candidates were questioned about their policies toward Israel. “All of a sudden, both candidates seemed like they were in...

Hijabi Playboy Interview Sparks #PornDawah Movement

On the high heels of a hijabi's recent Playboy interview, Muslim teenage boys are clamoring for greater access to softcore pornography in efforts to "change that narrative or something." "We want to be inspired and...

Friend Refuses to Forgive Man Departing For Hajj

Houston, TX – "If there's anything I've done to offend you, please forgive me before I embark on the spiritual journey of my lifetime," read an email sent by 38-year-old Abdul Khan one day...

After Brexit, Trump Demands US Leave EU

Little Rock, AR - Speaking to supporters at a rally on Friday morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump congratulated Britain on its successful vote to leave the European Union, and said its time the US...

Shaikh Mabuti’s 7 Tips To Ease Into Ramadan

For many Muslims, Ramadan serves as a time for reflection and spiritual calibration. The first few days of fasting, however, can prove to be a challenge. Don’t fret. Shaikh Mabuti presents these tips to...

Report: Enough White People Died to Activate Facebook Flag Overlay

PALO ALTO, CA - In the aftermath of the terrorist attacks in Brussels, Facebook headquarters confirmed the minimum threshold for dead white people was met and activated their popular "flag overlay" filter. The filter...

Obama Effortlessly Leads Prayers During Mosque Visit

Baltimore, MD – On a brisk February day, President Barack Obama walks into a Baltimore area mosque, swiftly removes his shoes and heads for the ablution stations in a suspiciously routine fashion. This is...

Brown Man Accidentally Wins Stare Contest

Chicago, IL – A brown man accidentally won a stare contest Sunday afternoon, as he markedly outperformed all participants at the annual ‘Stare if You Care’ charity event. 28-year-old Sachan Damaraju, originally from Calcutta, India, glared...

MSNBC News Crew Still Smells Like Spices Three Days After Storming Into Pakistani Apartment

San Bernardino, CA – As MSNBC cameraman Steve Jarrett put on his work vest Sunday morning, he closed his eyes to avoid the pungent fumes of chicken tikka masala hitting his face. It has...

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