In Other News

Haram Researchers Invent New Way of Sneaking Pork Into Food

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Speaking via webcast yesterday, scientists at the Haram and Very Makruh (HVM) Institute announced a breakthrough, allowing them to stealthily infuse pork-based molecules into virtually all forms of food. "This is the...

Lone Wolf Condemns Latest Terror Attack

Whitehorse, Yukon – Fearing predictable repercussions after yesterday's mass shooting, lone wolf Randy Wolfowitz held a press conference on Thursday sharply condemning terrorism in all its forms. A visibly frustrated Wolfowitz clearly expressed...

Uncle Mercilessly Overusing “Good Friday” Joke

Area Uncle Faisal Naseeruddin was greeted by an assortment of groans, hisses and occasional boos while continuing his annual tradition of mercilessly overusing his one "Good Friday" joke. "It's funny because every day is Good...

Opinion: This Thanksgiving Muslim-Americans Will Practice ‘Turkeyya’

The following is an editorial written by Margaret Smith whose views and opinions are her own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. Smith is widely known for her coining of the...

Muslim Satirical Publication Struggles To Get Through This Shit

Expressing disappointment they couldn't publish a slue of articles on the night of Trump's presumptive loss, writers at the popular Islamica News publication expressed anger and frustration on the election of their new orange...

Moderate Trump Supporters Discovered

In a heartfelt moment after all major networks declared Donald Trump's victory, the nation's three moderate Trump supporters offered words of encouragement after the election of our nation's 45th president. "It was a hard-fought battle...

CNN Electoral Touch-Screen Spattered With John King’s Fecal Matter

Atlanta, GA - As a result of continuous interactive map coverage, full of John King's finger swipes and toggles, CNN's infamous touch-screen monitor became spattered with what appears to be food smears and fecal...

Voting Is Haram, Warns Man Nobody Wants to Hang Out With

Local mosque-goers are complaining about an increasingly irritable man hovering around their mosque. The man, identified as 27-year-old Haroun Khaleel, has been handing out anti-voting flyers for the past month and the situation appears...

Muslim Cubs Fan Looks Forward to Being Only Sober Person in the Room

Chicago, IL - The atmosphere is electric on the eve of game seven of the World Series. Legions of long-suffering Cubs fans are busy getting hammered at local bars in preparation for the first...

Tableeghi Jamaat Picks Terrible Day for Halloween Dawa’ah

In a developing story, members of a local Tableeghi Jamaat are currently horrified their anti-Halloween dawah event is backfiring. The event was originally scheduled for last week but experienced numerous delays as jama'at members...

Muslim Man Can’t Discuss Playboy Controversy Without Getting Aroused

Nervous Perspective - The following is a perspective piece written by Saleem Ali whose views and opinions are his own and do not reflect the viewpoints of Islamica News. Hey guys, it's me Saleem Ali...

Presidential Candidates Get Swirly Thingies in Eyes When Asked About Israel

Hempstead, NY – A strange, paranormal-like moment transpired during the Presidential debate Monday evening when both candidates were questioned about their policies toward Israel. “All of a sudden, both candidates seemed like they were in...

Hijabi Playboy Interview Sparks #PornDawah Movement

On the high heels of a hijabi's recent Playboy interview, Muslim teenage boys are clamoring for greater access to softcore pornography in efforts to "change that narrative or something." "We want to be inspired and...

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